My Slice of Paradise

If I could write a letter to God

2010-03-05T02:58:00.002+01:00

If I could write a letter to God, what would I say. I'm no great human being, that's for sure. But then again, if I was, I wouldn't need God.

But what to write. The articulation of a myriad thoughts, put into words. Given form and hope that they breathe. I'm worried, I'm confused. I don't know where to go, what to do, how to turn, how to proceed. My paths are blackened before me, my eyes see nothing more than the next step, and not the end. I don't know where the next step leads, whether to salvation or another endless circle.

People chronicle many things in blogs. Sex lives, real lives, made believe lives, and everything else in between. Prayer is articulating everything vocally. Perhaps inwardly. So let me articulate myself in words. Words I can turn back to and serve as a record and progress meter of my life.

I'm scared. I take too long to start and don't know how to start up a story. Yet I need a story to write, in order that the script is started. I'm scared. I need more work, more paid work, so I can pay off my bills and earn money rather than just depending on others. I'm not in debt but I need a steady flow of work, of income. How much more must I go before I hit rock bottom? I am in a land where I do not understand the way it works. I'm walking into doors which are shut and I have no way of opening them. I'm in an industry where people are prejudiced against me from the beginning whenever I try to apply for something. So what can I do?

How can I improve myself and get that chance that's been eluding me? How can I be at the right place at the right time unless God sets it up for me? Will I even be able to see it and know it?

So God, what should I do? How can prayer help me if I do not take the step of faith and ask for a job. A proper job, or work to come in so the bills can be paid? So I'm asking for a job in the industry. Barring that, a place in the school I applied to where I can learn more and continue to improve myself. Event films are not my thing and people don't even want to pay the money anyhow, despite the amount of work put in.

A lot of it sounds like whining. Probably it might be. But at this stage of life, if the door doesn't open by a miracle. It probably never will. Alien in a foreign land.

And yet, maybe that's why people cling onto God, because of the hope, real or perceived, that is given. Read a verse in the bible and the truth hits you back in the chest, daring you to dispute it. Because it's truth, not fiction. Maybe because that's all people have to cling to, for hope and for a better tomorrow.

Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Identity

2009-08-18T05:04:00.002+02:00

I liked the film "Identity" starring John Cusack. It's interesting in its plot and execution. The latter word holding quite a particularly grim meaning for many of the show's characters. In a sense, I'm trying to find my own identity.

It's easy to say, I'm this, or I'm that, when you have a clear picture of who you are. But when all you've got are other people's perceptions of how you should be, according to their value system, then it isn't as easy as it is once you decide to find out for yourself.

Probably that's why teenagers are so hard to cope with, as they seek out and try and "discover" themselves. Deprived of this chance, it might set them back years in terms of human development. While I'd love to join the "pity me" group, I'd rather move on and get ahead with my life - once I've charted out a course and direction.

Without the right bearings, it's probably a worse minefield I'm getting myself into.

And I guess talking about myself in the 3rd person isn't going to help either. To face the problem, it's got to be head on, cold turkey. I can't just skirt around the issue with niceties and diplomacy. Especially not when it's myself I'm dealing with.

Who am I?

Heart

2009-08-17T03:28:00.002+02:00

Every heart sings a song or tells a story, or both. Whether it be sorrow or laughter, tears or joy, every heart is created with a song to sing and a story to tell. Stories, lore and even urban legends are carried over throughout generations by word of mouth. And even though today we live in a world proliferated with mass media, nothing is more precious than the news brought via word of mouth, especially when the bearer of the news is sincere.

As tales get passed on, extra details are added, little embellishments, perhaps the evil monster / villain gets more evil in every passing telling. Maybe the big bad wolf was actually just a puppy dog. Or the seven dwarves, seven dudes with rickets and deformed legs. Who really knows? Or someone who charged through the hordes of the enemy to look for a fallen comrade. Mayhaps the missing detail was that the so-called hordes were actually in retreat.

I believe that everyone has something to say - but as time passes and we age - that urge or longing gets fainter and fainter the longer we ignore it. I guess it comes down to the test of - would I regret it later on if I look back and wished I did something?

The funny thing about a heart is that it's amazing. I don't profess to say God is non existent because creation itself says he is. As much as I have struggles with my own faith, or lack of, I cannot doubt that God exists and is real. Yet many things which I've been taught when I was younger, just makes me wonder how people can easily turn young willing minds to their own ends. The intention was good, yes, but the method, definitely no. It is amazing what somethings can do to a child in childhood if their parents do not teach them correctly.

I guess to solve some of my problems, I need to travel back into my memories and try to piece together the fragments. Every heart has its own story to tell, and this is mine.

Truth

2009-08-14T07:41:00.003+02:00

Truth is a strange word. It's an absolute. It's not a maybe, perhaps, or will it, will it not. It just is. Truth that is bent is no longer truth. Sometimes, I let the problem cloud my mind more than it should. The truth is that I should proceed with my work, despite any fears I have of it.

The fear speaks, and says, maybe you can't do it. Maybe you should think about it some more. Perhaps a little more consideration time. But will all this thinking, I lack the important element, which is movement and action. Thus inaction is borne out of fear. I guess that's a new meaning to the term "paralyzed by fear". I'm afraid to move for making a mistake.

But in the end, when I look at the situation, I have to do something. Because doing nothing is akin to dying. Only dead people don't move. Sleeping people still dream, and engage in REM, and when they wake up, they move. Maybe I'm in a dream right now, where everything should be moving, but is only going in persistent slow-motion.

Movement without thought is hasty and often leads to more problems. However, I tend to think too much. To double think, triple think even. And that's where the problem is. I know I think too much, and hate that part of myself. I need to learn that once I've thought about the situation, I have to act. After all, if I do nothing, nothing happens. If I do something, according to Newton's law, there has to be some reaction. If I eat, I'm no longer hungry. I need to take thinking and then acting as a base instinct, and not something that's more metaphysical or "higher" than just what needs to be done.

And I've just done this post instead of just thinking of doing a post and wondering what to write, I've actually gone ahead and written something.

Delirium

2009-08-12T09:03:00.003+02:00

I'm delirious. Not in a good kind of way but in the I'm so tired but I've still got these things to do" sort of delirious. I should really get my body clock sorted. I read this in a magazine about Landscape photography that it's not to get the right moment by fortuitous luck in most occasions and then rush to prepare everything, but to plan and wait for it, so when it comes, I'll be ready to take that perfect picture.

I guess this could apply to everything in life. Sure, luck plays a part in everything, but I guess good old-fashioned planning, practice and grinding works too. If I was perpetually lucky, I'd never need to do anything and it would be there for me.

So I guess this means I have to keep doing the jobs I do, slowly preparing myself and working until that big break comes. Preparation is key. If I'm not even properly prepared, there's no way I'm going to be working at peak performance. So I'll have to write even if I don't feel like writing. Edit when I don't feel like editing.

Sure, art is about creativity and feeling and freedom, but I have to nail it in my head that art is also about discipline. Perhaps it's the hardest form of discipline that there is, because you don't get to see the rewards for a substantial time. Perhaps not even in your lifetime at all. But yet we persist, we keep at it, because deep down, we choose to believe that if we keep trying, surely one day, surely that door will open, that opportunity will come. But if we aren't prepared, then we'll surely implode as many others have done so.

No, even though I'm not anywhere I want to be yet, I'm not giving up, because this is preparation. My work might not be the best, but it's slowly and steadily improving. And that, in itself, is encouragement to me, that the road and dream hasn't exactly ended yet.

So I may be delirious, but let it be a good delirium.

Conflict

2009-08-10T10:32:00.003+02:00

Humanity has been perpetually beset by conflict. Peace is a rarity, and should be appreciated. However, it is also conflict that is intereting, at least in the arenas of film, drama, and the arts. Passivity and placidness often leads to boredom. Think of plain white colours. Boring.

I'm normally a peace loving person, and abhor conflict, but sometimes, there is no choice but to engage in it, if it is for the good of my soul. If someone slanders me, I have to fight the lies. To simply lie down and accept it would be construed as saying the lies about me are true. Not everyone loves conflict, and some even choose to turtle up and avoid it altogether.

In the process of growing up, there is already the conflict of identity, of discovery, of self. To suppress this desire and live a life for someone else, would only serve to deman and hunder yourself, and your own aspirations. I do not see it as selfish to push for what I desire to do, and to improve myself in that area, so long as it benefits my fellow man.

My parents would often try their best to shelter me, and not allow me to fight my own fights. I fully understand that not every fight will be a victory, but in defeat, one can learn. Sometimes, one fights purely for moral grounds, for the right, not for the sake of fighting. One has to know what one is fighting for.

I believe that conflict is healthy in the development of each person. It could be an internal conflict, or an external one. But sometimes, we have to face our own fears and demons. Confrontation is often more scary than it really is. Face your giants and don't let them rule over you.

It is in the furnace of conflict that we are shaped and moulded, to better face the world. If I were only in a sheltered situation, I would be pitiful of myself, to never experience some measure of conflict, in which I can further develop myself. Perhaps, in a small measure, conflict teaches one about courage. Standing up for what I believe in, and not giving in.

Emotion

2009-08-09T05:28:00.002+02:00

I feel. I see. I experience. Emotion is a part of being human, akin to humanity. To be without emotion, is to be without life. A machine does not feel, does not respond to feelings, does not make decisions based on gut instinct. It follows a preprogrammed code. Cause and effect, perhaps, in its rawest form.

But to feel, is a gift we've been given. How would I use it? I don't know. Sometimes, I want to laugh, but I suppress the urge. After all, why would I want people looking at me and judging me for laughing at what I perceive as a funny joke? Yet in the controlled childhood that I had, laughter, or anything out of the norm, wasn't much accepted.

To ask questions about what one did not understand, only served to reinforce the belief (erroneously) that one was stupid. Of course that's why we ask questions - so we might further our understanding of the subject matter. If we didn't have to ask any question, then we'd all be God.

But sometimes, I feel a dearth of emotion. When I should cry, or weep, I can't. It's like something is missing within me. A black hole of unfeeling coldness. Too often there's no despair, just depression and resignation. Why do I not feel frustrated? Is it worth being frustrated? Who knows how everything will turn out? Certainly not me, that much I'm sure of.

Some people speak of divinity being a guiding light. Others speak of self. I just know that sometimes I wish I had a direction to follow, a path to walk. Aimlessness is not a beautiful experience. Too many times, I guess and believe that I've tried to be someone's idea of perfect and failed at it. I can only be me, not what you want me to be.

A child's laughter is what I'd try to recapture. My childhood, if I could relive it. Certain decisions, if I could reverse them, and words, if I could take them back. The clock doesn't stop for me, but in each of us, there lies a seed, a desire to do something good. To create, to invent, to make, for the benefit of others out there in the world. I seek to find my place in the midst of the storm outside. And as time passes, hope fades inside me that I'll ever find that promised land.

One can only do one's best. More than that I cannot do.

Writing is therapeutic, and releases pent-up frustration for me. Though it needs a certain amount of discipline to even click the webpage and enter my posts, this I must do. Discipline is important in life, as boring as it may be. Perhaps this is how I can slowly gain it back. To write, to chronicle some parts of me. To collate and then focus it into a passage.

The subject matter does not matter, just the process of writing. And perhaps one day, I'll uncover the puzzle of who I am and why I'm here and what I should be doing.

Resilience

2009-08-08T08:36:00.002+02:00

To not give in, to continue despite setbacks. I don't know why I write, or the purpose thereof but I'm going to keep on going if only to hopefully find the goal at the end.

Sometimes I think we do somethings without knowing why we do them. That in each of our minds, there lies a psyche that cannot be untangled except by small steps forward and then backwards, like a dance.

Of course the steps are unordered, and perhaps the steps without rhythm, but the important thing is that there is movement. Where there is movement, there is life. There might not be harmony, but there is life. There is the intention of being better, of hoping that everything will turn out better.

I threw some water onto a pack of beans I kept in my can for a year or so. And the next day, they began sprouting shoots. If a seed has the potential to grow when the conditions are right for it, when will I find the conditions that are right for me? What do I need in order for me to get past the initial beginning phase?

I don't know, and sometimes, I wonder if it all has to do with the right timing and situation? Practice is the key, but there must also be the opportunity to practice. And for this, the price must be right. It doesn't have to be commensurate with the work involved yet, but the key is to gain practice, and indirectly, exposure to the work required.

And to stay the course, I need to be resilient, no matter the situation, no matter how down I might be feeling. There will always be a way, as long as I don't give up.

Restlessness

2009-08-03T00:40:00.002+02:00

I've been feeling restless the last 2 days. I need to do something otherwise all this pent-up energy is just going to drive me mad. My teacher said that to learn how to write, one had to just write everyday. It didn't matter what. Just write.

Hopefully in all this writing some sense will come out of my ramblings. If some shred of reason persists at the end of this exercise, then I would consider it a useful one.

I read an article whereby it stated that although all babies are born unequal, with hard work and graft, they can still succeed. Talent only gives you the first step, if you're lucky to possess it. Other people, like myself, have to learn things the hard way.

This means writing. Writing. And yet more writing. Or perhaps working on the camera, or editing. To keep on doing it until it becomes something beautiful, because I've realized talent can only take someone so far before the ethos of work come into the equation.

Perseverance in the face of adversity to build oneself up.

I'm feeling restless tonight, and I don't want to forget it.

Black

2009-07-31T02:16:00.003+02:00

Black is depressing according to conventional philosophy. They call depression the black dog. I guess it wouldn't have sounded bleak if it was the blue dog of depression or the yellow dog of depression. God forbid the red dog of depression. Anyhow, black seems to associate itself with all things morbid, death, decay, the unending cycle of chaos, etc.

Most evil alignments, if you're into RPGs - role playing games for people not in the know - are coloured with black. Does it really matter though?

Is white really that pure that I can't call black beautiful? White speaks of brightness, of clarity, while black is just a haze of nothingness. But what if one was stuck in a room with nothing but white walls in isolation? Would not white be the colour of depression then? Perhaps madness?

Maybe in such a case the colour wouldn't really matter anymore.

But in black, one feels isolated, trapped, alone.

I'm just waiting for the fashion campaign where they one day go, Black, the new white.

Failure

2009-07-30T03:25:00.002+02:00

Failure is not an option. That's a common line doled out in action movies where the hero or heroine or group of said heroes must overcome the odds to reach their goal. Maybe they'll die gory deaths. Maybe they'll lose whatever they hold dear. But along the way they have to sacrifice something precious and make hard decisions to reach their goal.

But what if failure is an option? That would be an interesting point to take.

Growing up, the only thing coined was, "You can't fail". If you fail, even once, you're labelled a failure for life, which probably led me to be totally disillusioned by the government's meritocratic picture of perfection. Of course, they could fail. After all, it's all covered up with alabaster and spin put on to cover the failure as nothing significant. It's easy to fail and then, hypocritically point the finger at others when they themselves could not reach their own high, nigh impossible standards.

But is failure really so bad? The critical parent would say yes. But frankly, failure is good only if one learns from it. I liked how Edison turned his 1000 or more attempts to making the lightbulb as 1000 steps to making a lightbulb. Tenacity and perseverance will win out eventually if we can tough it, and in the process build our own character and values up.

The world outside is harsh and being overprotected is not really the best way to go about many things. I wish I were more exposed when I was 15. I wished I had a year of choosing and wandering to decide what life was worth and what was worth doing. Too bad an insanely long conscription time and hopeless government family values put paid to that. So for that one year, I'm paying it back in 10 years of wandering.

Will I find my eventual destination? I don't know. But I do know it's not where I'm from and frankly that's now place I would want to return to.

But failure, is probably, in the course of life, a viable option. One that teaches people not to give up, to pick themselves up, start over and hope for the best again. I hope I just don't stay there permanently.

Black, Naturally

2009-07-27T15:39:00.002+02:00

Been away from posting. Don't see a point in it, yet I've been teasing myself with starting a new blog.

But why? I've got a perfectly good one here at the moment, that's already been set up. Maybe I've gotten bored of it. I do tend to be flighty in my thoughts. Perhaps it needs a new template, a new "do" if you will.

But black is so nice. So calming, so serene. It envelops you, as it should. For those of you "Twilight" fans, there probably is nothing better than the night. Darkness breeds mystery. And nothing attracts someone else more than the lure of they mysterious.

Things I Miss

2008-11-08T05:16:00.003+01:00

The world where I am at is asleep. But I can't sleep. Not a blink. My mind is too full of worries and concerns. I can't seem to quieten them. I wonder if I've made the right decisions. Probably not. Still, I don't know if it's too late to change it.

Things you miss out on when growing up, stays hidden, and develops into a yearning as you get older in life. True? I'm not sure. But it feels like that to me. I've mostly been a loner through life - not by choice. I guess coming from a country where material wealth is the yardstick whereby one is judged, it's not easy when people switch friends just for the "connections" and networks. It isn't friendship anymore, just something formed out "of convenience".

I always wanted to go to Japan, spend some time there, soak in the culture. In asia, japanese culture was prevalent during the time I was growing up. Now that I've been in Europe for 10 years, I want to see the places I've never seen, and experience things I always dreamt of.

But it seems so far to me. Still so far away. And I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to reach out and grab it. What is life about anyway? We live and we die. Our lifespan isn't even long enough to do anything of worth when you look at the scope when earth existed, or even the evolutionary timeframe, if you're into evolution.

Does God exist? I guess so. Is he real? It's probably easier to say yes than no. Does he really care? Frankly, I don't think so. Because I've been stuck in this pit for the last 10 years or more.

Parents who make decisions for their children without any discussion, or by just ordering them to do it, makes a crap life for their children. I should know. I've been through it, all the false expectations and hopes, the "do this do that" because it's good for you. And where has that left me?

Imprisoned in a tiny room in Europe. The paradox of it is that I might be free to do anything I want, yet I'm not really free. Because I've still yet to find a direction to move to. No chance to even "find myself" or what I want in life. Just reacting to what people want me to do.

Either you mentally decide to avoid conflict and coast through it, or go against it. It's not easy either way. Coming from an autocratic country - which is a major pain in the ass - and everything in it is organized autocratically and micromanaged, dissent isn't really given much of a chance, even if it is constructive criticism.

But I guess deep down, I want to live in an urban city, where it never sleeps. Where I can walk along the darkened walkways, hear the hum of traffic, the raucous voices of people walking by, and be at ease. I miss that. Living in this shithole of a village is pure HELL.

Can't swear because you're brought up to be nice? I really think there's nothing wrong with cussing anymore. There's no point in being nice, because only nice guys finish last. The painful truth. Why should I help others when the only one that should be helped is myself? Being mean never hurt anyone, least of all the mean person.

I just want to go to Japan and stay there for a couple of years. I hate this place and I hate life.

And where does God fit into all this? I don't really know. He doesn't really show up much to say anything. He's just plain silent. Like he doesn't exist no more.

My Loft

2008-11-07T06:38:00.003+01:00

I'm staring out the skylight window of the loft my room is in right out into the open night sky. Nothing much else but darkness and a smattering of stars across the night sky stare back at me. I've always wanted to sleep and be in a loft-apartment ever since I experienced being in one during my university days in the UK.

It's got a strange feel to it. I dare say, maybe even a strange freedom to open the window up top, and gaze out not just at the surroundings, but the sky as well. I feel like I don't have a ceiling that constrains me, my dreams and goals, but that given the right time, right place and right situation, could go all the way up to outer space.

I guess loft apartments are for dreamers. And I love them.

Now that I'm house-hunting, I guess I'll make sure that the place definitely has on the top list - a great loft - so that I can just park myself and decorate my little cave with all the techno-gadgets till it's just right.

A flat-screen TV there, an Xbox 360 here, wifi hub around the corner, and various other doodads which fill up my life. But best of all, lying on my mattress at night, looking up at the starlit sky before falling off to blissful sleep.

The Voice

2008-11-05T23:49:00.003+01:00

Sometimes we all struggle. Each with their own personal battles. For me, most times, it's the struggle to let the voice within out. For years, since my childhood it's been buried under social conformities, political correctness, and the fear of what others might think. There's also a smidgen of rejection, and total looks of horror of others when they hear what I would like to do.

We are all born to do something and each of us has a different road to walk. I can't walk your road, like you can't walk mine. We just have to let go and let each of us get on with it, and with life.

How to let the voice within out? I don't really know, except to honestly say that, just do what your gut leads you to. I've been really struggling what to actually write on this blog. Typical questions that run through my head are - how do I write? What do I write? Is this going to work? And who really cares or reads this blog anyway? Other than myself to rant away.

I guess that if I'm going to use it to rant and let off some steam then I should do it to benefit the person that's most affected - ie. me. So sometimes is the struggle to be an individual after being consigned to the populist-and-not-by-choice decision that going for practical jobs means giving up what you really wanted to do.

That you can't spend some quality time looking for that something that energizes you when you open your eyes from sleep. Other than the usual drag-the-body routine to work. And hating every minute of it.

No, I think it's best to let the voice speak. It's the only way I can get peace of mind.

Anyh

Existent

2008-10-17T04:00:00.002+02:00

Let it go. Let it go. The burdens must pass and fall away.
Let it go. Let it go. For we all must let go someday.
And when the leaves fall, shadows fade away
Only to be replaced by something new
Decomposing heap
On the ground.
Reminder of our mortality, that we can never truly
Escape.

Rest for the weary mind. Rest for the weary soul.
I can't explain coincidence. I can't explain occurences.
I can't explain.

Walk in the dark

2008-09-01T15:16:00.002+02:00

Sometimes you walk, and you see a light ahead, to the next destination. That'll probably be good. If that light is illuminating beckoning relatives long gone, then that's probably not a good sign of anything to come in the extremely short term. We all walk through the carpal tunnel of uncertainty.

I wake up in the morning, uncertain, and I go to bed, uncertain. In this world, what is there to be certain of? Pretty much nothing. Nothing is certain, nothing is sure. It's pretty cryptic, but it's probably the only certainty out there.

Enjoy the euphoria of the music. No one needs drugs to forget the present, just close your eyes to it, and concentrate on looking down the tunnel. Down that tunnel we go. Sometimes, maybe we get flashes of light. Sometimes, not. Illumination is sometimes a very broad word to use.

Sometimes, we just flail away in the darkness until we are accustomed to it, before seeing where are.

Time

2008-08-15T02:42:00.003+02:00

I'm excited. Finally some work comes my way - and I guess it is true - when it rain, it pours. But this is pouring in a good way, and frankly I don't want it to stop. Even though I know I'm going to have tons of work, it's all good, especially since I was always asking for it, and now it's here.

Sometimes it really is true, that heaven is just waiting until you're ready.

I guess I'll never know until I go for it.

Denmark here I come!!! :D

Sidenote - wish I wasn't so bad with the pictures though. ^^

Today

2008-07-30T02:43:00.003+02:00

Today...........

3 flies died.

I cycled almost 2 laps round the fields. Would have been a complete 2 laps but decided that lightning and me do not mix well together.

I made a bowl of half-asian vegetable fishball tofu soup.

And I decided that in order to find my own voice I had to let go of the fear of people. What do people think of me? Screw it. If I'm too busy caught up in fear, I'll never get anything done being trapped in people's expectations. One's expectations should only come from oneself - ie. myself and no one else.

If you dream, then it's just thin air.

The journy of making the dream a reality is a never-ending process of practice, trial and error, disappointment, heartbreak, and whatever painful thing you can put here. Sure there'll be joyful times along the way but be certain it won't be easy.

After all, if it would be easy it wouldn't be a dream now would it?

And that's pretty much it.

Timely Words

2008-07-25T05:43:00.002+02:00

Psalm 27 is a good psalm. I guess one can say all psalms are good. However for encouragement, psalm 27 is good. I might be repeating myself, but sometimes it is hard to wait and while waiting, expect something to happen. If you're doing nothing and expecting something to happen, then that's just plain laziness. If you're doing all you can and just are focused without listening, then I guess that's trying to be self-made.

The hard part, the toughest part, I'm learning the hard way - and trying not to overdramatize it as I sometimes do - is doing all I can, and then learning when to stop and listen. I get caught up doing all I can and then I don't listen to the small voice inside. I get so focused on getting the thing right, to do all I can. Sometimes listening and reflecting will save me the hours of workaround time. Sometimes I should go and chill out more.

Something I learnt is - if I want to improve something or have a nagging thought to improve it, then I should just do the improvement, and get the thought out of my head. Yups, procastination sucks. I'm a master procrastinator sometimes, but trying hard to deal with it and kill it off once and for all. Sometimes it's just so easy to lie back, relax and say - oh let's just do it later. But then later always comes along with a stack of other things. Then more stuff just gets piled up for much later, probably never to be done at all.

Psalms 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Nothing like a proper word to come in at the right time to encourage.

Now off to bed and rest before another day's work.

Absence

2008-07-22T17:31:00.002+02:00

Here's a thought I was thinking about.

When God is absent, God's absent.

Period.

Because if he wasn't absent, he'd be present. And if he was present but chose to be silent so that we'd think that he's absent, then that's quite a sick joke.

Lazy me

2008-07-16T04:04:00.002+02:00

I'm kind of getting lazy blogging. There's so much to do, that blogging just takes a back seat to it all. Since starting my latest project - the film company, I've just spent some time thinking and doing - trying to find ways and means to sell, reach out to my target market(s), and assorted other activities that come along with running one's own business. Read - accounting.

I hate accounting. I was never fond of numbers - and still am not fond of numbers. Of course rattling off numbers from the top of my head isn't hard, since we were drilled the multiplication and division tables as kids when we were in school. Robots we were taught to be, and maybe robots, we've become. It's sad when the world forces us to change, rather than the other way round. As far as I'm concerned, when I have kids, they are probably in all certainty not going to study in Singapore. The education system is too rigid, and frankly, there's much better quality of life in terms of childhood over here in Europe.

Here, kids can play, and be themselves and find out what it is they are good at and what not. Instead of being pigeonholed into certain "key" professions. Sure, as society progresses, it goes up the pyramid of important professions. I'm not kicking standard stuff like being a doctor, engineer, business person, etc. We need people like that, otherwise how will society function? But I would really like to see more acceptance of people who've chosen to go into a more "alternative" career choice, like myself. We were all made differently, with different sets of skills, and only when we come together are we all able to appreciate the fullness and richness that comes from diversity.

Why am I talking about this? Frankly, I really don't know. Call it a simple literary flow. I write, nay, type - writing has now been superseded by typing since the advent of the computer. And I just try to let what's inside out.

A paragraph a day, might keep the doctor away. :D

Biting the Bullet

2008-06-18T04:21:00.003+02:00

It's finally here. I've finally decided to do it. One little step for me, maybe a larger step when viewed from another perspective. I've always wanted to do my own thing, run my own show. Somehow ever since I was born, I knew this was what I've always wanted to do.

And now I've the chance to do it. Either do it now, or never. Time isn't going to wait for me, and I shouldn't wait for myself either to grow old and regret missed opportunities. I finally start up my own little film production company. I've decided not to fully focus just on films, but on anything that requires a camera, I can definitely apply myself to. And if I don't know how to do it, then I'll get myself down into the trenches and learn it. It can't be all that hard since many other people are doing it as well.

Exciting times. Every day is a battle between myself. Sometimes you're afraid that it won't work out. Sometimes you're afraid of failure, but there's no other way but to stand up and go on ahead and face that fear. I read an article on the internet about how guys manage to talk to pretty girls. Strange subject matter, but the underlying concept is the same. They just decide on an action in 3 seconds rather than letting their head get in the way of being knocked back.

So I've linked my film website here. It's in english and german. It was a little hard with the web coding, but I'm happy everything turned out fine.

Now for the next step!

Boll-Shit

2008-06-05T04:38:00.002+02:00

I just did something stupid. I watched 2 Uwe Boll movies back to back, one after another. First was Dungeon Siege, the second was Blood Rayne 2. Both were painful experiences I'd rather not dwell on.

First off, if you're a fan of the colour brown and 10th rate Lord of the Ring knockoffs, then Dungeon Siege might be right up your alley. You'd think with a budget of 60 million dollars Boll could do something better. Think again. It's pure crap, pure trash and pure drivel. The action scenes are way too long, and he's tried to cram as much stuff from Lord of the Rings into one movie. Bleah. Double bleah. Lord of the Rings was a masterpiece. This is just shit. Pure Boll-shit. After this film, you'll never want to see the colour brown ever again.

Blood Rayne 2 was barely ok, for a direct to video release. But considering the budget of 20 million dollars, and the shitty photography, script and everything else...... I think a bunch of untrained paralytic pensioneers could do much better with nothing more than a handheld handycam. It's that bad. Shaky, uncertain, and hopeless scripting leaves this film with a lot to be desired. Malthe might be sexy as Rayne, but I was kinda expecting more.... action. There is action, yes, but not the sort I expected or even wanted. It was too scripted, too...... plain, too boring. It needed something more which wasn't present.

Both films are sorely lacking in the cinematography and post production department to say the least. I was bored after the first 10-15 minutes, and the scripts ... were too predictable. Way too predictable. Nothing new, nothing interesting. Mediocre at best.

In the end, good examples of how *NOT* to shoot a film. Not recommended to anyone at all. It'll just be a waste of a good 40 euros. I'm looking forward to Michael Clayton next.

Overthinking and Doing

2008-06-01T03:24:00.003+02:00

I think too much. I think that I should do more and think less about what may happen or what may be. It's all in the future, so it is not here in the present yet. The only thing that is 100% sure is the present. If I do not do now, then the after effects will not be in the future. But I will be thinking in the future then, if I had not done, about why I did not do it then in the past.

Confusing? A little maybe. Newton stated cause and effect. It's the same. I'll be chained to an eventual stream of why didn't I, fearing of the unknown, rather than facing it, and having a definite answer. Maybe it might not turn out well. But how will I know for sure until I've done it?

I sometimes sit at my desk, thinking, maybe daydreaming about what might be or what could have been. I sit staring at my edit tables wondering how the finished product will turn out rather than putting more effort into the finished product. I sit staring, thinking of whether to go to bed now or later. But then I figure out every morning, that I still need 8 hours of sleep irrespective of whether I've gone to bed at midnight or 8am the next morning. My body tells me, "I need 8 hours whether you like it or not". So in such cases, instead of thinking and dreaming my life away, I'll just get up and do it. Because once it's done, it's done. And then it's time to move on to the next step, whatever it may be.

So until the future comes about, the only time for certain is the here and now. And now is the time for doing.

Rush Hour 3

2008-05-08T03:02:00.004+02:00

I saw Rush Hour 3 on sale in my local electronics store here at 10 euros. Not too bad a price, so I bought it. Watching my latest movie acquisition - I think it was ok for the price, however, it definitely falls short of Rush Hour 1 and 2. Same tricks, same stuff, same acts. Just only in a different location. Amazing coincidences that they - the cops - find out where the criminal's address is. I mean - talk about lucky to the point it's unrealistic. Yes, it's a movie and movies are meant to be unrealistic, but then there's unrealistic and then there's unrealistic. And this falls into the latter category.

Characters are so one-dimensional that it was so easy to pick out the baddie from the start. This happens when the movie just gets plain tired. To think they paid Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker a combined gross wage of 35 million US dollars to act in this. I'd have canned it a long time ago but that's Hollywood trying to con everyone out of their last dime in trying to breathe something into an almost-dead franchise.

I watched it once, and it was ok. Anymore and it'd be Snore hour 3.

I'd put this film at 2/5 if only for some occasional silly moments but other than that, there's nothing more.

Next movie coming up - Elizabeth the Golden Age.

Curse of the Golden Flower

2008-05-05T15:03:00.002+02:00

Another of the DVDs I got off Amazon's spring/summer sale for under 5 quid. And to be honest, after watching the movie, it was more a waste of 5 pounds than a savings of 10 pounds.

This movie in 1 word - CRAP. In 2 words - TOTAL CRAP. In 3 words - UTTER TOTAL CRAP. For all the lavish costumes, sets, colours, etc, it's an epic FAIL. 35 million dollars. Most expensive chinese made movie. Most expensive crap. It's just plain horrible. The multi-coloured corridors hurts the eyes almost as bad as the 1-dimensioned characters, plot and almost nonexistent acting. Heck, one could have replaced them with stuffed paper dolls and it would have been ok. Plot lines are not well thought out, and it just was plain painful watching it till the end.

Maybe this little review comes a little later after the movie has been released, but hey, I don't care. No point paying 10 pounds to see a movie in London when I'm not sure of its quality. And looking at this excuse for a pile of cow excrement, I sure am happy I didn't do it.

Do yourself a favour and avoid this stinker at all costs. Frankly, if this was China's entry into the Academy Awards, I really hate to see what they didn't choose to submit.

Virtual Reality

2008-04-29T04:41:00.002+02:00

Virtual reality. As we become more technologically advanced, this comes closer and closer. Maybe one day, the virtual and real worlds will meet in some science fiction reality. But now, the closest I've been to VR is in MMORPGS - massively multiplayer online role playing games. Usually the player takes the role of a character represented by an avatar in a game and lives out his life in the game - as the rules and world rules of the game dictates.

I've grown up with video games and this is just the next step in gaming. From stand alone pcs, to slow 14.4k modems and LANs to MMOs. But I came to realize something today. No matter how it is, virtual friends - people you get to know in the virtual world - can never replace real friends in the real world. I know them as nick names, maybe first names, what they do, where they come from, their job, maybe. But usually not much more. The only thing we do talk about is about the game as it's the only thing that we have in common initially.

As everyone is behind nicknames, and can make different characters, it's hard to weed out people's motives or who they really are. Being a somewhat too honest chap, I've encountered maybe more than my fair share of internet pain. I guess it is true that nice guys finish last. It seems so in the internet world where you're ditched just because you've got no more use to them. It just seems more prevalent that you're used by people and people have less qualms about using others because it's just a game, or it's just hiding behind the characters.

Maybe it's just me being bitter and upset about these so-called "friends", but the good thing is that it has woken me up to the reality that this game is more curse than fun, and that it would not be so bad to leave it after all and focus on my real life.

These two worlds collide, real life and the virtual world and it's a hard thing to find a good balance between the two of them. If you are focusing too much on the real world and neglect the virtual world, then you're dumped by the guild you're in. So there goes the concept of playing for fun because it's no longer fun when you have to fight for your spot in addition to fighting to your real world. And then there's politics involved wherever humans are involved, so add that element in as well and you've got a recipe for more stress than is actually wanted from such a game.

Back to the topic of friends. I learnt the hard way that in such a game, there is no such thing as loyalty, honesty or trust. You are only kept for as long as they can get any use out of you. And it is up to yourself to get what you can out of it. I never used to think like that - but after the last turn of events, I can't be bothered to help anyone else anymore. It's not worth my time or effort because everytime I tried, it's only led to pain and heartbreak.

So screw the others, I'm only going to be concerned for myself only. I don't care if it sounds harsh, because it's better I look after myself than let others take advantage of my niceness.

Bean Bean Bean

2008-04-25T02:47:00.003+02:00

Another DVD watched - Mr Bean's holiday - was surprisingly good. I watched the previous Mr Bean movie and I preferred this one much better than the other one. This one feels more true to its origins. Truth be told, I tend to watch Bean with a grain of salt, and without much or any expectations. It's not that I don't think movies deserve any expectations, but I've found from past experience that when I watch films with any level of expectation, it tends to have a negative effect on the entire film.

So wifey and I found ourselves laughing at some of the new gags Mr Bean does. There's some standard Bean-fare with oysters, vending machine, etc. But the best part of the film, isn't from Bean unfortunately. The best part takes the piss out of film makers, the intro from Carson Clay's film - Playback time in Cannes.

Carson Clay pictures present in a Carson Clay production of a Carson Clay film starring Carson Clay. Classic. And also reminded me of an Indian guy I did film school with.

Look out for the "nothings" 1 min and 1 min 21 secs. Couldn't stop laughing. :D

Movies

2008-04-22T02:26:00.004+02:00

I've been busy viewing dvds for the last few days since I found out Amazon was having a sale on them. It's hard enough getting english language dvds here in germany, especially when I like the extras in english, and not german.

Anyhow, some of the films I bought were diehard 4.0 and the fantastic four - rise of the silver surfer.

All I'll say is Diehard 4 rocks - good good stuff and that the FF was well, a total letdown. FF had not much of a plot, crap characterization and well, it was crap. Yeah, that would sum it up. Too many characters, too little plot, and it even begins to descend to Alien Vs Predator level of mediocrity. Sad enough that they had Stan Lee on the film as a cameo saying "But I'm Stan Lee!". Damn movie shouldn't even have been made. It looked rushed for release and not much effort was put into it. But Diehard was great, non stop action from the beginning and despite it being a shooting flick, it had more going for it in terms of character and plot than the FF.

Wish there'd be a Diehard 5 but probably there won't be. Sad though. I really liked the Diehard series.

Hard Stuff

2008-04-21T01:58:00.003+02:00

Life is hard. Work is hard. I guess there is no easy way around it. I would have gone theres with an aprostophe before the s, but somehow blogger does a quickfind function instead which irritates me quite a lot. So youll have to bear the consequence of the missing punctuation marks.

But back to the point. Amazingly to reach a goal, there are so many subgoals along the way. I just bought my first ever proper professional camera and Im very happy about it. I took it for a test run today to check it out and to test its capabilities and so far it looks good - on the tiny little LCD screen.

Its irritating that something that should be automatically detected by FCP - final cut pro - isnt working. Ive no idea why it isnt and am scratching my brains about for a solution. Hopefully one will come by soon. To get to the simple goal of checking my test results, I have to figure out how to import my footage. ><

But I guess thats how life is like. Gotta measure up the cost and just go for it. Amazing though, how all this in the name of research - and relearning my basics of film editing - is now considered work. But at least its work I actually like for a change.

Pondering

2008-03-09T06:13:00.004+01:00

I sit and wait unsure of what the day will bring.
I hope that it'll be good.
That my heart will know peace and joy.
They say not to despise the small beginnings.
To not look down upon oneself.
I look in the mirror and I see a different me.
Time has passed and in remorse
I might turn to flee.

Beginnings

2008-03-03T15:32:00.002+01:00

Gonna start my own thing up. Never thought in a million years it'd be so complicated. Sure it's a small thing, but oh, the thoughts and considerations. Of course the possibilities that something might go wrong.

I like the quote of a certain Tokugawa guy who ended up as the founder of the Tokugawa Shogunate when he said lots about patience and its virtues. I guess I should be less impulsive and more considerate when thinking about planning issues.

"Life is like unto a long journey with a heavy burden. Let thy step be slow and steady, that thou stumble not. Persuade thyself that imperfection and inconvenience are the natural lot of mortals, and there will be no room for discontent, neither for despair. When ambitious desires arise in thy heart, recall the days of extremity thou has passed through. Forbearance is the root of quietness and assurance forever. Look upon the wrath of the enemy. If thou knowest only what it is to conquer, and knowest not what it is like to be defeated, woe unto thee; it will fare ill with thee. Find fault with thyself rather than with others." - ripped from Wikipedia :)

I can't believe I'm actually going to do this - I mean it's always been in my head - just didn't think it'd go down this path. But well life's supposed to be a memorable journey - a tad unpredictable - but it sure isn't going to be a memorable one unless I choose it make it memorable.

Dang, hate putting 3 words together in the same sentence. It just doesn't sound right. Oh well. Them's the breaks.

No Such Thing

2007-12-05T16:25:00.000+01:00

If a man told me I would be free
I'd laugh in his face
What is freedom that I might be chained?
I've gained freedom and in return
am enslaved
in believing what was supposed
to be truth
am led to falsehood.

My hopes are shattered
my heart broken
my love denied
Dashed to pieces among the rocks
Wreckage among the water
Splashing slowly
Lapping up the remnants of my soul

Destiny?

2007-11-24T00:42:00.000+01:00

The next 48 hours will probably be a very interesting time for me. Scared to face it, maybe, but going nonetheless. I figure it's a no-lose situation. Whatever people have done, I guess it's already been done.

Flying back to London to screen the film I made in school as my final project, I have no idea what to expect.

I guess then, that I better focus on the positive and not think about the negative because so often we build up the giants in our mind when the giants are nothing but figments of our imagination. We are able to make them disappear with but a thought, but that thought that we should dispel, instead takes us captive and we are subservient to it.

So I will go and face whatever outcome there is up front. There are some battles that we all go through. Everyone faces different fights in life. Maybe I won't face yours today, but tomorrow I will and vice-versa.

So, to London then, and hopefully, destiny will beckon somehow, if only for the next step. And I will be more than content.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Oft-quoted, but never really taken to heart.

The Merest of Coincidences

2007-11-22T06:43:00.000+01:00

I was recently talking to a friend, K, who tells me that her take on life is nothing but a coincidence. Of fate, and that we are all god's playthings. Being a christian, the first instinct I had was to try and convince her otherwise. That God is real, that he's not a make-believe entity. That somehow, we shouldn't blame him for the bad.

Then it kicked into me. Why should I tell her that? Haven't I been blaming God for my own problems? Sure, I have no clue when my job will arrive, but I still have to look for one. I blame God that sometimes I think that I'm the one in the unfair situation, and sit in a corner and whine away. While everyone seems to have the good jobs, or luck coming their way, I seem to be just stuck in a hole again, unable to climb out.

So what gives? Deep down I do believe that God is real. My heart of hearts knows this to be true. Yet when it comes to saying that my answer is coming, that it will arrive soon, my heart is scared to believe anymore. It's afraid to trust because I'm not sure that it can handle one more heartbreak. Sort of like becoming jaded with failed relationships, I know that God is real, but my heart in itself is jaded.

How do I know that the bible works? Truthful answer, I don't. I wish it would be so easy to believe that God is real in good times and in bad, but in the bad times, it is hard. It is so easy to blame and not to keep trusting, beliving and hoping till the promise comes. The waiting is the worst period. Oh, if I could only do away with it.

Surely something good will come after all this waiting. I wish I knew and could say for certain. Those who know the heart of God will say, of course something good will happen. Of course those people are not me. If God's with me, surely there must be something to help me out here.

I don't really know what to do to overcome this, because I can't. Lost, stuck in a rut and wallowing in depression is all I am right now. For those that easily say, do something! I'd reply - what?

What can I do? Many things, but somehow, not many people want to employ me for those many things I believe I can do. Thus is my heart burdened and hardened. I want to have a family, to have kids, to have a home, to stop paying rent. To have a happy life. Sometimes I wonder if that's too much to be asking.

So is God the author of coincidence? I wish so. I really do. Because right now, maybe that's the only thing standing between me, and utter despair.

I look back at Film school, and realize, everything was almost miraculously done. But after that, my peers have started getting work, and all I have to show for it almost 3 months later, is........... nothing. That's right, nothing. No work, no offers, nothing. Applications sent out and unreplied to.

A heart can only take so much before it just breaks. Belief, hope and trust can only go so long before it turns to cynicism and despair.

"Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request."
1 Chronicles 4:10

Will God grant my request? Will there be that coincidence, no matter how small, that my life will actually be for something here? I wish I knew.

I just know I can't wait much longer.

Just One More Turn...

2007-11-18T20:28:00.000+01:00

Everyone has their weaknesses. From chocolate, to cars, to whatever strikes their fancy. Me? The bane, or one of them, is that game called Civilization IV. Just one more turn is the phrase I often tell myself, even though I should already be in bed sleeping.

It's a non violent game, not like Doom, Half-life or assorted shoot-them-ups, or many of the other games one finds on store shelves nowadays. Yet it holds an attraction of building up one's civilization (hence the title), propagating and defending it from other civs one encounters along the way.

It's caused me sleepless nights sometimes, and frustration in others. But I still play it. And after I'm done, I get curious about historical figures, and go wikipedia them up. Guess it does work in helping me read up my history. :D

What's even more interesting for all the self-professed geeks out there is that zoom into a city on the world map and you hear music of the era that's very well reconstructed. Whether the ancient music is well reconstructed from the original I have no idea, but I find it enjoyable.

Now to just crush the Aztecs before I go to bed.....

The Open Door

2007-11-17T06:32:00.000+01:00

When does one know if a door has been opened? I wish I knew. Life is so full of choices to some, and none to others. Maybe the door will only be revealed when I take that first step. Maybe never if I don't.

I guess everyone is afraid of what others might say, but I'll fall back on what I was told. If I like what I made, then I should be happy about it no matter what other people say. I guess we are our own worst critics. I know I sure am about myself. But who knows what might happen, or rather not happen if I don't choose to take that first step out into the world.

A friend of mine has recently fallen ill and has decided on refocus life's priorties. I think I myself, as with many others found it a bit of a shock when it was told to us. I didn't expect it, and probably neither did most of my friends.

Sometimes, I wish I would do that to my life. To refocus and see what's important in life and what's not really that important. Virtuality is not as significant as we often think it is. A veritable list of 0s and 1s are what many of us fight over. All can be gone at a single click of a button.

Maybe the only way to go past the doorway that beckons to us, is to be willing, ready and able to leave the past behind, to make a decision that it will no longer hold us back and down from our dreams.

Within the Shell

2007-11-15T16:06:00.000+01:00

Sometimes when I do something, I do it with an idea, or concept in mind.

The fear is in what others will think of it once I'm completed with it.

But I just realized something. Something that's struck me deep inside and made me think.

A famous phrase was Martin Luther King's "I have a dream".

I think everyone has dreams. At least I know I do.

But once I've gone on this road, I realize, the only way to not be afraid is just to get out there and come out of my shell.

They say there's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's not much meaning in that line except that fear stops me and probably many other people in their tracks.

If I'm brave enough to take the first step, technically I ought to be brave enough to take the other 10000 steps till the end of the race.

Technically never really holds true.

I realize that if I want to stand for something, I have to be brave enough to face whatever criticism may fly my way, deserved or undeserved. Sometimes taking a stand will mean some amount of pain.

But if I'm not brave enough to do that, then I'm really not ready to take on whatever dream I have inside me.

Fishing

2007-11-13T19:08:00.000+01:00

I remember hearing a saying that goes something like this "He who wants to build a mountain, starts with the first stone", or "He who wants to remove a mountain starts with the first stone". In any case, whether building or removing, the starting is key.

There's no talk of thinking the mountain away, or worrying the mountain away. Just starting to do something, to move the mountain away. Thinking and worrying just keep me static. Doing is at least something. But focussed doing, a concentrated effort where it will be of most benefit is probably best.

I can't dictate the circumstances that surround me or what I'll face in life. I can't control the mountains that suddenly pop up in front of my face and sneer at my inability to do anything.

I don't really believe in saying a little prayer and that the mountain will just disappear. Sure, many people will say just pray and God will take it away. But what if it's there for a purpose, as most things are?

Taking the mountain away sure seems like the easy way out. It's all subjective, of course. Subjective in that everything is relative to how one sees it.

I've started out in church at a young age, and sad to say, where I was messed me up real good on the inside. But I'm past that point of frustration and bitterness right now and I just want to move on. I do believe that God does miracles, it's just that if everything was done with a snap of a finger, sometimes, I guess we learn nothing that'll carry us through later on.

Another memorable quote - give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.

Maybe this is where I'm learning how to fish. Maybe I should have been taught how to fish earlier on. You know, maybe that's all irrelevant. Now is the only important time that matters, not the past, not the if only's what if's and regrets.

Maybe I should just go check on my line and cast new lines out in the hope of actually having a catch.

My Hands

2007-11-12T18:45:00.001+01:00

The point of no return.

No idea when I'd hit that stage. I guess not many people do either. I've taken stock of what I've done so far and it kind of amounts to - nada zip zilch. Intrinsic to every person, I believe is a desire to want to be counted for something by someone, whether be it significant, or not so significant. But something, nonetheless. Be it a kind word, encouragement, perhaps a foundation for someone's future.

I don't know but I'm looking at myself at the moment. And what do I see?

Not much. No, not much at all. Strange that I used to be forced into a structured life, and hating it. And now into a formless life, and not really enjoying it. Difficult? Maybe. Crazy? Probably. I don't know. I guess once anyone hits a point and looks into their hands and wonders "What can I do? I don't have anything much to offer" it kinds of spirals into self doubt and despair.

I'm not one for instant miracles, to tell the truth. Sometimes you hope, and you wonder, and then you doubt and then you forget. Like the passing of time. Ashes.

Still, miracles are often written down so that we do not forget.

What's a miracle? Something amazing? Out of this world? Or just something simple, that brings a smile to your everyday life? I've no clue. I guess the definition of the word is subject to your circumstance.

So, looking at my hands. What do I have. 2 hands, 10 fingers, and I must develop the will to choose to apply them to my situation. Something sorely lacking.

I hated structure, and loved the unpredictability of life. Now I find that I need to return to that structure within the whirlwind that is life before I can be unpredictable.

They always said in film school, learn the rules and know them, then you'll know how to break them. Seems like I always wanted to get ahead of myself and break them without knowing them.

Basic fundamentals.

I'm probably rambling, but that's ok since this is my blog and I write for my peace of mind and not anyone elses'.

I've got 2 hands, and some knowledge. I have some projects I'm working on. I don't know if they'll bear fruit in the future and provide a return, but then again, if I don't try, I really won't know.

Waiting

2007-11-09T21:24:00.000+01:00

I'm waiting. I don't really know what I'm waiting for, but I'm waiting nonetheless. Maybe I do know what I'm waiting for. Maybe I'm hoping that the wait will end. Once the wait ends, the work begins, and so therefore I should treasure this time that I'm currently free and able to do what I want to, and what I desire to.

But what if the thing for which I'm waiting for is also that which my heart desires for?

Then waiting becomes a chore, a long slow torture of the soul. Eager anticipation is no longer awaited at every morning. Rather, I drag through the nights, choosing to avoid the mornings, because I don't want to be disappointed by the coming of a new day where no answers seem to come, and I am forever waiting in the night.

People say not to worry, that it will come. Sometimes, I wonder. It is so easy to say things when they aren't in the middle of the situation. Sometimes, it's the worst when someone who's never been there who tries to be understanding. How can one bereft of such painful experience actually even understand in the first place?

It's like asking a lion to decide to be vegetarian, or worse still, a frenchman to abhor france altogether.

The endless adage - is my glass half empty or half full, or frankly, totally empty?

I wish I knew.

Cold Tea

2007-11-07T22:43:00.000+01:00

Tea and heat. Warms the body, warms the soul. Most importantly, warms the tummy up from the inside on a cold cold day. I must admit I was never really into tea that much as a child, having only seen the offerings of basic english breakfast tea with milk and nothing much else.

Strange then that I'm taking some cold tea. It's been sitting here at my desk for hours and I've been slowly sipping away at it. It doesn't matter that it's cold so much so how I keep on sipping it, not bothering to make myself a cup of nice, new, warm tea.

I guess I should stop accepting substandard expectations of my own life and get my butt up and work on improving it. Where to start? Probably with what I have and what I can do now.

Dreams are only dreams if one doesn't know how to get to them.

Now back to my cold tea.

Actually Doing Something

2007-11-05T15:49:00.000+01:00

When I think back about it, it's amazing - not used in a good context here - how fear actually developed in my psyche from a young age. Of course, for this I place the blame totally on the Singaporean government for promoting meritocracy.

Meritocracy, as found on the internet merriam-webster dictionary is defined as :-

1 : a system in which the talented are chosen and moved ahead on the basis of their achievement

2 : leadership selected on the basis of intellectual criteria

There's nothing bad about meritocracy inherently. It was just the botched execution of a good sounding idea that messed me up. To rank students and schools in almost every aspect just smacks to me of eliticism. To be able to claim that 'oh, I was 15th in my school year' - is that really important? To suddenly see a friend as not a friend but a fellow competitor that you have to overcome. That is the harsh reality of what it turned out to be. I could no longer trust the people I went to school with because someday, as it turned out to be, they would stab me in the back.

Anyway, digressing off the point. Fear.

Due to the pressure placed upon students to perform well, we had to take our papers back to our parents for them to be signed. If we did well, nice and good. If we didn't that's where the problems started. I vividly remembered asking my friends so many times to check my results for me because I was afraid of getting scolded and beaten back home. Verbally demeaned and lowered to nothing more than a disgrace to the family or worse.

And now, many years on, in looking back, I realized my fear of moving ahead has stemmed from that single root. Everytime I've wanted to move ahead, or try something new, or ask for something, I've almost immediately assumed rejection or a negative answer. Such to the extent that I almost never did anything I wanted in my heart to do. It didn't fit with the *plan*. It wasn't the path the country prescribed that we should follow.

Everything was psychological, not physical. But, recently I've come to realize. Screw fear. Just do it, deal with the perceived fear *problem* later. If it even comes at all. Most times, there are more ways to a solution than I expect or see. Most times, I'm probably fixated on one particular solution which I think is good, but God has something much much better if I would get my eyes actually off my perspective of a solution. So what if I get a negative, something will turn up that's much better as long as I not worry, look, ask and trust that it will come.
No is never the end of the world. It's just the path to something better ahead.

If the only way I can encourage myself is to keep writing then that's what I'll do.

I remember going to my computer afraid and clicked on my facebook account and saw this verse pop up. It shot straight to my heart, more than medicine could ever do.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Voices in my Head

2007-10-26T01:30:00.000+02:00

The closer I get to finishing editing my film for the deadline, the louder the voices get. Dissuading me, causing me to doubt and worry. Thing is, the way it's gone, I've come too far now to back off what I have to do.

Although the next step has the potential to stop the entire project on its tracks.

I'm scared, but I have to press on in the hope that what's leading me on inside isn't something I've made up to be a figment of my imagination but the truth.

When I was in school, they would print this verse in every magazine.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

I never understood it until recently. And even now, I struggle alot in my mind to be peaceful and not worry. But looking at this verse, if what's placed in my heart is there, then I shouldn't worry and just do what I can.

What I can't, well, that's His job.

Fear and Love

2007-10-24T19:32:00.000+02:00

The worst nightmares for me entails not being able to breathe properly, knowing that I'm in a cold sweat, lying on my bed. Half asleep yet half awake unable to move, at the mercy at that which holds me paralysed. In fear.

As I take my steps through life, that fear again tries to overpower me, whispering its little voice in my ear, accusing me of being unable to finish my assignments on time, unable to fulfill my heart's desire.

Perfect love casts out all fear. And the only way I know how is to focus away from that fear and onto that love that holds me near.

Sun Tzu, he says....

2007-10-23T13:55:00.000+02:00

Sun Tzu always talked alot about organization. I'm no art of war fan since most it seems to be common logical sense, but humans being illogical beings at best, probably needed it.

Anyhow, he was talking about the virtues of organization and knowing about oneself. It's kind of hard to know oneself until you go through the shit that is life in most cases. And then, only then do you have a slight chance of actually learning something, if you open your eyes wide and are humble enough to accept your faults.

Sometimes it's not fun, nor easy, but I guess that's life. Something to do and improve every step of the way. I've slowly come to realize that gradual improvement day by day works much better and lasts longer than a one-shot quick fix wonder.

My room, like some parts of my life, is a mess. Abysmal? No, not yet. But it's getting there and I'll have to fix it up real quick. It's amazing how fast you can outgrow your current accommodation or areas in your life and are in need of expansion. Growth is good. Change is good. A challenge to improve oneself is always good. There's no fear in change, because it's all good. I've just got to stay the course until it's seen through.

More than organization, I figure there's only so much I can do before I let go and let grace take over.

In the Beginning...

2007-10-22T15:08:00.000+02:00

it takes a damn long time to actually get started. Being lethargic in the beginning phases of any project is one of my strong suits and oh how I hate it with a vengeance. I swear, sometimes, hell would have cooled over before I even get started on anything. But once started, then it chugs along fine.

Until the first obstacle. Then I ask myself the same age-old question.

Why didn't I start on this earlier and saved myself some precious time?

Time, being the commodity that I tend to underrate and yet so important. I guess lots of people do that as well, but the impact of the significance of others tends to pale in comparison in how it affects me. Self-centered, self-conscious? Maybe. Probably with a higher sense of self-preservation in such cases.

Installing something that has a size of 55 gigs onto a laptop which holds around 70 gigs spare space outside of the OS and other essential software is a painful task. I totally underestimated how little space my laptop had - 23 gigs - which meant that a huge, HUGE spring cleaning was in order.

To that I say - thank God for flash drives.

Hopefully, I'll see the end soon enough.

Fear

2007-10-10T00:55:00.000+02:00

I'm afraid. That's why I don't like going to bed too early. In case I might miss something. I'm afraid for almost every positive, there's sure to be some negative creeping about in my mind. I can't sleep because the fear eats me out from within. Telling me in its little voice that I'll never be what I want to be before I grow old.

I hate living in fear of the unknown. Fear of the future, whether be it one second or one year. Fear of not knowing what the next action will bring. I wish I could shut my brain down - thinking - for a moment to enjoy peaceful serene bliss.

Peace in my mind. It's what I'm seriously longing for. Against all the naysayers my own mind has put up against me. I am my own worst enemy, paralytic to the core. I want to move, but my body disobeys me. My heart fails for fear has gripped it tight. To live like that, beyond a nightmare in existence.

There will always be challenges. I just didn't expect it to be this hard sometimes.
We face our own fights, and fight them we must. I picked my road to walk. It's a strange road. Life is a journey, they all say. Maybe no one has walked mine yet. I've got to walk it myself. I can't walk the journey for someone else. Only they can do it. My path is special as is theirs.

And though I fear, walk I must.

The Next Step

2007-10-01T16:43:00.001+02:00

I've finished up my studies in London, and though I'm kind of feeling wierd in saying it, I'll miss London. After 5 years, I finally get the chance to live in a lively, big city again. I'm used to large cities. I can't live in a small town. I need the hustle and bustle a large city provides, along with its list of amenities, although London definitely needs lots of work on some aspects. Nonetheless, having some *proper* chinese food was great.

So what's the next step? Get a job, I guess. It's not an easy prospect, nor is it an impossible one. It's just a mentally daunting one where I'm afraid. What exactly I'm afraid of, I guess it's just preparing in my mind to see all those rejection letters piling up. But as friends have told me, I've got to keep trying and that those letters are in no way a reflection of my ability. They just have got no vacancies is all the situation is.

In a strange land, I am. I've got to stop talking like Yoda, cute and wierd as he might be, but a muppet he still is.

The time during the course has been very good to me, and I've felt like I've come out of a huge valley with a lot of knowledge. And after a month of rest and relaxation, it's time to enter another valley. This time of work, of getting work. But at least one thing's for certain, I've finally found what I want to do and I'll put my hands to it and do it well.

God is faithful, God is good. He holds my hand though I fear, he holds my hand.

The Final Lap

2007-07-02T18:42:00.000+02:00

So it all boils down to this. The final film of the course. The THESIS film. Those are caps. They're meant to be caps because they are that scary. I'm trying not to worry myself sick over my thesis film, thinking about every possible angle or how some scenes can be shot due to space and/or time constraints. To optimize the time over and over again. In other words, I'm in need of some dire HELP!!!

Everyone's probably in meltdown stage at this point trying to pull their shit together. I'm still casting even though my shoot is 12 days away. I've still got a script to improve. I'm shaking in my pants in case everything falls apart. Yet I can't hold onto all this crap because it just keeps piling up and suffocating me from within. I've got to work with what I've got and hope that it's good enough.

We're supposed to be shooting this week, but perhaps in a stroke of good fortune, I've got nothing to do at the moment because Michael has no clue on what he wants to do. Bad for him, but good for me because it just gives me that much more prepping time. And I better make the best of it and not let worry kill me. I figure I'll do my best and not let regret or worry consume me.

Till then, l8rs. I've got a script to polish up and some serious decisions to think through.

Pre-Production

2007-06-19T15:27:00.000+02:00

We've got our shooting schedules finally and I'll be doing my thesis film from the 13th till 20th July. Now I'm crossing my fingers that everything I need will be provided for and that all the requirements will be met. Still that being said, I'm hard at work on my script trying to get it in as tip-top shape as possible.

So here goes nothing, the culmination of this year's (or half-year, rather) work.

BANZAIIIII!!!!!!!

The Moron Living Below Me

2007-06-15T11:36:00.000+02:00

I've been living in London for 5 and a half months now, and living in the room below me was an indian guy. Well, he was there for only a month before he moved out. Apparently he was stupid enough to trust a 'guy' he met back home in India to transfer his school fees of 2000 pounds. Now this being India and the pound being the strongest currency in the world at the moment, it was not a surprise that his 'trusted friend' took the money and 'walked' nee 'ran literally. His incensed parents just forced him to fly back home to India. The fallout was bad, with his girlfriend crying and complaining of his actions. Well, can't blame her.

Anyhow, this sets up the scene. Room below me is empty. Who should move in but a couple of Romanians who have been living in the room next to his on the bottom level. They were living under fellow romanians and they complained of nothing but the noise those fellow countrymen of theirs made at night. This being London and him being a workman and all for 10 years or so, you'd expect him to be smarter. London houses are not known for their quality. It's cheap cardboard walls within cold uninsulated brick walls. No wonder people freeze to death in winter and burn up in summer. Frankly, the UK should be carpet bombed. Then maybe, they might have a chance to build some actually decent housing for once. All this talk of going green is a joke because the rest of Europe has done it without all the 'spin' that the UK puts on it.

But that's another issue. Today is about Romanians ie. the ones living below me. Knowing that the ceilings are of wood and that there's no sound dampening in effect, they chose to live under my room. Next they complain about the noise when I move my chair or walk across the room. They complain that they can't sleep. I tell them 'get some earplugs'. No he says. 'I wear them at work all day and I don't want to wear them at home'. Frankly, this romanian is a spoilt tosser who should be deported all the way back. He complains people don't treat him like a british citizen but as an eastern european when he holds a british passport after working here for 12 years. Well with behaviour such as this, I'm not blaming them for that.

Anyhow, I came home after Ocean's 13 last night a little after midnight and tried to cook some food in the microwave. Ah, walking around in slippers is too much noise for his oh, so sensitive ears. So he exits and removes my fuses or circuit breakers from the electrical board so that I don't have any electricity running to my room. Well, he thinks this is going to intimidate me. On the contrary, he's made a stupid mistake.

And Ocean's 13 was great. Typical Ocean's fare. The best part was the Oprah subplot with Andy Garcia at the end for me.

Laters.

The End of All Things

2007-06-14T17:33:00.000+02:00

Today's probably the first day we've got free. In theory we're supposed to be using it for 'pre-production' but in practice most of us are probably going to chill out tonight. I've been poring over my script and trying to make it better and more like a script than a school composition - yes, maybe some of you might remember those dreaded monstrosities. So I find myself spending more and more time in Waterstone's and Borders just reading over screenplays and MARVEL graphic novels.

We had our casting session yesterday and it was an unmitigated disaster since not many actors and actresses actually even bothered to turn up. This makes casting people in our movies a total pain because no actors = no movie. And all of us don't really want to act in each other's films anymore. We want to actually do what we are studying and that's direct.

I got my rushes for my Guinness Advertisement back yesterday so we rigged up the projector and watched it inbetween the breaks we had in the casting session. Here are some pictures of the ad after we finished all the shots.

And the rushes looked sooooo good. Man, shooting on 35mm is great. The quality is excellent and so much better than 16mm or digital. If I ever get the chance, I'm going to shoot 35mm whenever possible. It might not be for a few years, but frankly, the finished results are great.

As far as scriptwriting goes, I'm getting lots of inspiration from Lost in Translation. I've been watching the movie nonstop for the last few days and in particular certain chapters just for the music. It's haunting, evocative, mysterious and sensuous all at the same time. But one can't just keep clicking repeat chapter all the time every few minutes, so I went out to buy the music CD. So now, no excuses to writing a crap script. Just going to do my best to make the end better than the beginning.

Onward and Upwards

2007-06-12T17:44:00.000+02:00

We wrapped our 35mm ad shoots last Friday and then proceeded to the nearby pub to celebrate with odious amounts of alcohol. Michael tried to get me drunk, but I guess lack of sleep and 7 pints later... he ended up looking like that.

I guess what's left to do is to prepare for the thesis film. We've been studying the entire year for this film. But unfortunately, we're all so tired at this point I'm not sure there's any energy left to actually shoot the thing. The entire year we've been just been bombarded from all sides, if not theory-wise, then project-wise. Anyhow, we end on August 31st and then a well-earned break before deciding what to do with the next step of my life.

Strange thing is, even though it's only been - or will be - 8 months, it feels like a much much longer time has elapsed. Which is good, because I'd rather have done this than spent another year glued in front of the computer playing World of Warcraft or whatnot, wasting time raiding and farming for what essentially is, ones and zeroes resting on magnetic media.

I've got the basic script for my thesis film and I'm excited to shoot it after I've worked out some kinks in the language. Scriptwriting was never my strong suit though I try my best at it. Sometimes I wish I could be like my friends who can actually write decent stuff.

Anyhow, I managed to get a shot of me with the 35mm Panavision Camera so here it is. :)

Finished the Guinness Ad

2007-06-06T18:42:00.000+02:00

The shoot is done. Gruelling, stressful but in the end, hopefully, the payoff will justify the amount of money spent on the Guinness we used for the shoot. 1-shot but 1 complicated tough shot. Our instructor told us it wasn't easy by professional standards, and I'm hoping that it'll turn out great once the rushes get back to the school from the lab.

Whoo-hooo! Now to relax tonight and start prepping for my final thesis film script. Work never seems to stop on this course, but it's ok. Bring it on! :P

It's Guinness TIME!!!

2007-06-06T14:22:00.000+02:00

We're doing to do the 35mm commercial shoot today. Strangely I'm not too nervous about it. Usually I am a little, but I figure that I've done all that I can possibly do, including running up and down Soho, Covent Garden and into every pub in a 1 square mile radius to find a Guinness Coaster. It's amazing how many pubs don't have any coasters anymore. And Irish pubs don't have any Guinness ones. I consider last night an exercise of willpower and almost utter futility.

Still, it didn't end up too badly as I called Blair out of the blue and we met up impromptu in Leicester Square and moved onto Chinatown for my long-awaited dinner (after that much walking one would be famished). We chatted on about old times in WoW, the world, our lives, mutual friends and stuff. One thing I realized was that how much has changed since I left WoW. I'm doing something I really wanted to do finally in my life, and things are slowly but surely falling into place. It isn't easy and probably won't be 100% easy, but at least I'm moving somewhere and I'm happy about it.

Now to actually somehow get a picture on this blog using a MAC. That would be a great achievment for me. ><

Target Acquired - Locked Down

2007-06-04T18:30:00.000+02:00

The results came out last Friday, and somehow amazingly, my pitch for the 35mm advertisement got accept. Whoo hoo! That's a major miracle for me considering I think most of my fellow classmates are more creative and talented than me. So maybe I just have to try that much harder. Nonetheless, I will not deny that God is good. In fact, it's probably the grace factor that carried me through. Now I'm just focussed on getting the props for the ad and running it through my mind. Shot by shot. An irony, considering it is a one-shot commercial.

Why one-shot? Maybe because to me, a commercial is a hit or miss thing. You can have lots of pretty pictures but if it doesn't hit the main goal of the product dead on to the audience, it's just a waste of money and time. Still, it put some of the marketing stuff I learnt from university to good use.

This week we've got nothing but 35mm workshops with the Panavision cameras. I got to get a pic of me with those babies. The day I actually get to shoot on one of those cameras, I'll be so happy. :) Rob's going to be my DP (director of photography) and he's psyched up about it. The class calls my ad the one-shot ad but hey, at least I get to shoot it. And I'm thankful for that, even if it is one-shot. It's better than nothing, and I get to put it on my showreel.

This year I'm learning just to be thankful for the small things. For whatever situation I've been placed in, good or bad, I'm learning lots just in gritting my teeth and going through the journey even though in my guts I'm scared. Inside I'm shaking, but at the end, it's trust that God is faithful to those that trust in Him and so far He hasn't let me down yet this whole year.

PS - New Hillsongs Album - Above All is wicked sick. This is one of my fave tracks 'Hosanna'

Letting Go

2007-05-31T15:27:00.000+02:00

The day after.

Usually it consists of pain, blurred vision, headaches and lots of fry-ups. But that's for hangover sufferers. I've never had one so I probably don't know of the dulled experience of it. But watching friends go through this phase of life, it pretty much convinces me that I don't want to go through it as well.

I was referring more towards the day after pitching the ideas for the 35mm commerical in school. In the middle of my preparation - about 2 hours before the actual pitch - feverishly scribbling and sketching away with my newly bought felt tip colour markers, I came to a conclusion. In a sense, it was so hyped up so much by others that I wanted it really badly. But I realized that the more I wanted it, the more I obsessed over it. The more I obsessed over it, the more I realized that it was unhealthy.

I was reading from somewhere that it's not the fear of failure but rather failing in front of everyone after doing one's best that scared the crap out of me the most. I want to do my best. But in doing so, I'd expose myself to all sorts of criticisms and whatnot. I guess one just has to grow a thick skin and learn to deal with it. Do your best and then leave it. Otherwise I'd only have regrets of 'If only' and 'what if I'd done that instead...' blablabla. I guess some of you would be able to identify with that.

Once that was in place, I felt much more peaceful. It doesn't matter if I don't get it. Whatever position I get assigned to, I'll just do my best on it and learn as much as I can about it, as on a real flm set. It's the learning and application of it that counts.

Next up, FOOD! Talking to Singaporeans here has led me to one simple conclusion. We're obsessed about food. We talk about food. We use food in our peripheral speech and as the main context. Heck, all our subtext is filled with nothing but food talk. Typical, you might think. Maybe if you're still in Singapore, but after living in Europe for the last 10 years, it's amazing how we still think in the like manner. Guess it's part of the Singapore gene now. I wouldn't be surprised if a singapore ghost came up one day and asked where to get the best roti prata this side of town. Not that I'd want to meet one. The army had enough experiences there for me.

I should work a little more on my blog to be honest. But then again, *should* is such a subjective word, don't you think?

It's that time of year again...

2007-05-29T14:37:00.000+02:00

I'm supposed to be doing storyboarding for my final film today. Final film? Yeah, time does fly quick when you're stuck in intensive stuff. I wish it would have lasted longer though because the experience has been great so far. Although going back home to wifey does have its *positive* sides. It's just that after being with the same guys for the last 5 months has been a great experience. One that I'm happy to have been part of.

We do pitches for our 35mm commercial shoots tomorrow. I hope I get mine accepted. Well, on a wing and a prayer since I had to look upwards for some inspiration for them. Weatherwise, London has been just abysmal. Rain and winter-like temperatures this last bank holiday weekend when I - and probably everyone else - would have preferred sunshine.

Still, I can't complain too much because I managed to go out with 2 sets of singaporeans who are based in London. First up was at a german bierhaus by the river at Richmond. I told wifey I might go back down there with her if only to get more Radler and sauerkraut. The irony of flying from Germany to get "authentic" german food in London hasn't been lost on her. Next was San calling me up after church on Sunday asking me to meet up with him and a couple of friends on-the-fly. That was a good time as well, and I got to get myself some leftover food. Mmmm yummy. :)

Oh, and I signed up for the overseas singapore group in London called EST1819 - you can find it here - http://singaporeans.meetup.com/51/?a=wm1_mem3. Macs just don't have hyperlink capabilities like PCs. Oh well. One can't have everything I guess.

Well, back to class now. I wish I had an internet access but that's life for the moment.

Second Term Begins...

2007-05-06T13:07:00.000+02:00

I'm feeling kinda miffed because the digital section of my camera is broken. Strangely, it didn't happen in the last 2 years when I really abused my camera by chucking it under heavy objects in my bag, but it had to happen now, under some tubgs of yogurt and lettuce. Goes to show the evil inherent in milk-based products.

So I went to get it checked out at the local electronic store, and guess what, they offered to charge me 50 Euros just to give me an estimation on how much it would actually cost to get the camera repaired. 50 EUROS!!! FOR NOTHING!!! And you wonder how the heck the economy runs in Germany. So I promptly said, thanks but nuh-uh. I'll happily buy a new camera across the corridor from *your* competitor. Adios! Gotta love the power of choice.

I do wish I had more internet access though, so I can keep the blog running regularly. I calculated how much an annual contract with BT with cost me in London and it worked out to be - including installation costs - around 55 pounds per month. In other words, NOT worth it. Strange thing is, I've got a phone box downstairs which isn't used, but the landlady doesn't want to use it for internet purposes. Oh well. Some people are just plain wierd. Or backwards, or both.

But back to the camera, I'd have taken some nice shots for the blog this week, but seeing as it's out of commission....

Back to School

2007-05-05T00:57:00.000+02:00

1 week passes by real quickly. Too quickly for me, at least. So next week it'll be back to school and no more regular internet access. The strange thing is that after 4 months of no internet access, I'm perfectly fine doing without it. Anyhow, the internet has gotten pretty boring, if only to check emails, and keep up on news around the world.

London is a good place for shopping and maybe a little sightseeing, but I think that's pretty much about it considering the high prices everywhere. Strangely enough, I thought continental Europe was expensive when I was living here but compared to London, it's considered cheap.

Anyhow, I've been really lazy about updating this blog, but frankly, it's not something I'd do daily what with an inconsistent internet connection and the lack of security on public computers. Till the next time I get online, ta for now.

Oh, and I've gotten back to killing flying insects that bug me now that it's slowly turning into summer. Death to all flying bugs!!!

16 Week Films here we come!!!

2007-02-27T18:59:00.000+01:00

Whew! All the films have finally been shot and we're now moving into the editing process. I got to play a dead guy in Sam's movie. It wasn't too bad, just had to drink and spit out some fake blood. Since we used golden syrup to make it, it's INSANELY SWEET. I had to wash my mouth quite a bit in order to fully take the taste off.

Everything went fine other than the fact that the group I'm in just drinks a lot. Other than me and Evan, the rest tend to drink excessively. Nothing wrong if you're partying, but not when there's a shoot going on the next day. I had to admit I was a bit upset when some turned up half drunk and hungover at my shoot. Somehow, I get the feeling that not everyone here is serious about their studies.

But nonetheless, I should just put those feelings to one side and focus on the next step. Post-production of the 8 week films and preparation for the 16 week films. Now we get more indepth into character building and plot analysis. We're supposed to have 3 ideas for our 16 week films and I'm thinking of doing a comedy, mystery, or documentary. Which one will work, time will only tell.

Ominous signs are when you're told - pretty soon you're going to be camping out 24 hours in the editing room - followed by evil cackling laughter. Those are the days, I guess.

The Haunted House

2007-02-20T16:34:00.000+01:00

Yesterday we went around to Rob's place in Dulwich to shoot his 8 week project at an abandoned derelict building near his place. In theory it was a good idea, since I guess he figured that the best place to shoot a thriller/spook - themed film was in a place that *was* dark, foreboding, and scary. Hell, the place already looks scary in the day, much more at night. I'd had shots of the place if I was attentive enough to bring my camera along but no...so you'll have to make do with pictures of Rob for now. I should be able to get some pics off some of my other course mates later and stick them up here. Just imagine a place which has no roof, walls about to fall down, smells slightly of piss, strewn with discarded needles - something's wrong with this sentence structure but I can't be arsed to sort it right now, however constructive suggestions are welcome, old, rusted beer cans, and Director Wes Craven spray painted on the walls in blood-red paint and you should have some idea of what we were into over there. But without much further ado, here's Rob.

The gist of the film was a guy who's run into the house but has flashbacks of someone killing his wife. He's in the house to facilitate some heroin exchange - how's that for management speak? Facilitate, lol - but amid the said flashbacks, he sees, or he thinks he sees the ghost of his dead wife calling out to him. We have to note that the main character doesn't realize that he's done the dirty deed but it's thought by him to be someone else. Anyhow, it all ends with some delusion ala Identity the movie and with lots of blood and gore.

I thought it was really imaginative, and I'm quite sure I wouldn't have thought of a film like that. I'm more into touchy-feeley films at the moment. But it's good to be working with a diverse group of people, because I've picked up so many things from them already. Oh, and Dulwich sucks hell for mobile phone connections. I swear it's a mobile phone black hole where coverage is concerned. My phone was perpetually on the 'search' mode all the time for a proper connection.

Tomorrow we're going to shoot Johnny's film about a guy with an automobile fixation - it promises to be really good and funny.

To all others out there, happy chinese new year of the Oink!

8 week film project

2007-02-16T16:38:00.000+01:00

I've just finished shooting my 8 week film project and it was a great experience. Of course I had to over complicate the matter by over worrying too much about the characters and stuff. Problem is that how much can you show of a character in 5 mins? How much of a message can you put into it? I think I got too bothered or worried after about how our character teacher told us to make 3 dimensional characters and that really got me quite frustrated, working and reworking the story.

But I guess this is the fallacy of an asian upbringing. We're taught to do things as the teachers want it to be. If you don't answer the question, you fail. In film, there is no right or wrong, just whether one likes or does not like the end product. We're told that so many times by our teachers here - most of whom are great teachers - but some push us, like me, into thinking too much about something simple. So I'm crossing my fingers that everything in my shots will turn out alright and that I'll have enough material to get my film done.

What I've always had in my head was that people in europe/america are so creative and less about asians because by nature we're seen as just machines slogging it away in the factories and sweatshops. I don't think that's true anymore, but I think it's because we've been so stuck into the pass/fail set answer system that we're not allowed to think outside of the box. I believe that we need to do that and screw anyone that says that's wrong simply because they can't or don't think about it as viable. Creativity should not be hindered in any way, even if it's passe or if someone's just "borrowing" someone's material as a jumping off point.

I liked the scene in 'Finding Forrester' where Sean Connery's character allowed the kid in the film - I can't remember the actor's name anymore - to use his material to start off. Every story's been told already, it's just how we choose to retell it with our own twist included.

The irony of being in a Film School. There's so much work and assignments that I haven't even had time to actually go to a cinema and see a film - a fact so far that's lamented by all of us. But no matter, I'm sure the chance will come eventually. One film I'm definitely going to see when it's released is the last part of Pirates of the Caribbean if only for Chow Yuen Fatt's character.

Church-wise, I'm been popping down to Hillsongs London which is located next to my school in the center of London and it's been great everytime I've managed to get time off film shoots to attend the services. They have this great projection screen which shows clips and pictures when praise and worship songs are sung and sadly, I sometime find myself trying to figure out how they did some of their shots than on the praise and worship itself. But on the plus side, it's given me lots of great ideas as well to try and implement in some of my films later on,

Now all that's left to do is edit my rushes - ie. shot footage - next week and prepare 3 plot lines/stories for my 16 week project. This'll be my first dialogue piece and I'm hoping everything will fall into place.

No Internet Access

2007-02-08T15:04:00.000+01:00

I've been stuck in London for a little over a month doing this film course. When they said intensive, I think they very well meant it. It's no joke being on the go non-stop, but on the other side, it's given me a goal and a sense of satisfaction of doing something I love to do.

Sometimes I feel upset if the finished product - AKA - the film isn't what I expected in terms of shot quality, but the learning curve is so steep so I have to be careful not to lose myself in it. Internet is sporadic at best and although I see The Burning Crusade out here, I've no desire to lose myself in that world again.

First thing you realize when making your first scenes. Film is EXPENSIVE ><. Which is probably why I'm rooting for all the digital makers to get up to speed ASAP as the cost of shooting digital as opposed to film is less than 1%. Besides, being asian and in the middle of tech-land, digital probably will be my medium of choice because what you see is what you get.

I'm still in the works of getting my internet access and hope that it'll be sorted soon.

Oh, and London sucks ass because it's just so friggin' expensive.

T-minus 5 hours

2007-01-03T03:53:00.000+01:00

It'S 4am and I can't sleep. My mind is so full of thoughts. I don't fear tomorrow. I don't fear the night. Strange thing is, sometimes life leads us on roads we don't know about. The ones who're on the road rarely trodden, where maybe not many would like to go because it's too "unknown" or too "way out" of the norm. I don't believe in many things, but I do believe in doing what your heart believes in, and where it leads you.

Sometimes, I think as a man, I've failed. There are so many things that I could have done, should have done, but did not do. It's so true that a boy will remain a boy, and never grow into what he should be - a man. Failed to myself, to my wife, and most importantly, to all I hold dear within me. We're composed of values, of traits, of morals. And once these are gone, what will then become of us when something else fills that void which is not right?

Sometimes, I think the burden I carry is so heavy, even though it doesn't seem to be a burden at all. Not to those who do not, or cannot see, but the burden of expectation is probably the worst burden of all to carry. When people expect more out of you, that you'll be a miracle-maker, to turn results to gold suddenly, or to add extra digits to the bottom line. Expectation carries its own heavy burden, and to those ones who have to bear it, life's not as rosy as others on the outside see it to be.

Of course I could be dramatizing, having only 4 hours left to sleep to the morrow, but I desire peace. Peace to know that everything will be all right. A man may be as stoic as he can be, but what happens when that wall breaks? A man may gird himself in armor, to resist the struggles of life, but what happens when that armor collapses? Peace is what I desire, what I need. What I thirst for, in this time.

The weight of expectation upon me is not light. For those that hope that I succeed, there are equally those waiting, to tell me with all their worldly experience and ego "I told you so, that it wouldn't work. You should have listened to me." Therefore, no matter what, I cannot fail whatever it is I've set out to do because failure isn't an option at all.

There's no more looking back because it only leads to discouragement. Just focus on the road ahead and be merry. I found these lyrics on a site here that's just beautiful.

The song is from Carmen - unfortunately I don't know the exact name of the track or which album it's from.

In myself I failed the Lord
Then was afraid to try once more
That fire in my soul had fled
Thats when Jesus came and said

My spirit, gives the strength you need
to raise you up and to succeeed
and for vision in the night
to you I'll give these words of light

fear not my child
Im with you always
I feel every pain
and every tear I see

Fear not my child
Im with you always
I know how to care
for what belongs to me

He said my child dont look behind
Discouragement is all you'll find
dont watch the waves that roll the sea
just focus your eyes on me

And I will make you strong and then
your shattered courage I will mend
and if you fall and should get hurt
remember these eternal words

fear not my child
Im with you always
I feel every pain
and every tear I see

Fear not my child
Im with you always
I know how to care
for what belongs to me

I know how to care
for what
belongs to me

Unthinkable, you think?

2006-12-31T15:42:00.000+01:00

I just did the almost unthinkable last night. Yups, I signed on for 1 month of WoW, albeit for 3 days playtime, and then I'm not even sure I'll log in those 3 days. Yes, paying one month - 13 Euros - for one day's worth of playtime.

Why, you ask? Why on earth would I go back to WoW? The answer in itself was quite simple. I'm off to London for 1 year to do my film school and I won't be able to log into WoW for 1 year due to school commitments.

I wanted to say bye to friends that I made in that game. Sure, the game is raiding, questing, levelling up, grinding, blablablablabla.....in other words, a huge time sink. But after all those things are said and done, one realizes that one is empty in that huge virtual world without friends. Like the real world, sometimes, those of us who step into the huge gates of Azeroth are lonely people, without friends in the real world. Maybe some of us want to escape our reality. Maybe some just like to cause pain to others which they couldn't do in the real world - corpse campers, this means YOU!!!! >< - but all have one thing in common, we need friends, if only to brighten up our day that little bit more. To give cause to playing and to give a reason for living.

One hard truth about friends is that they argue. They fight. No illusions or lies there. True friends are often borne through adversity and a shitload of arguing sometimes. They know all about you, they know where to hit you where it hurts, and they won't be afraid to mince words with you. Sometimes blunt truth hurts the most, yet makes us reflect and change for the better when properly applied. Ass-kissers and yes-men just can't do that. They can't change or mould you for the better. They just want you to like them, to give them favours. With which they'll discard you for something better if it comes along. Sure there's pain both ways but with friends, the pain is only temporary on the road to a better friendship.

I didn't think what I'd do last night - just sitting up on vent talking to people I missed for 5 months when I last logged out of WoW. Talking over the past, about the time I wasn't around, about the future. Realizing that in the end, the game was nothing but about friends. Loot and drops are just 1s and 0s on magnetic tape. Virtual commodity that's worth nothing in the real world. Of course we work hard for them on our raids, but in the end, it's the friends we make that keep us in the game.
New content, yes. New skill sets, yes, but only till their novelty has worn out then it's back to the same boring grinding all over again. But friends, they'll be there when you're up and you're down, they'll cheer you up and keep you going.

So here's big kudos to - if I forget any names I'm sorry, there's just so many of you to remember - Malekhit, Turbomage, Kara, Medusa, Beast, Blair, Zeus, Shader, Puddin, Seny, Galdre, Vanda, Green, Gotrek, Kim, Mora, Minara, Kathura, Igorn, Okti, Samu, Valoryn, Oomkin, Gnomie, Maqisu, Jitters, Day, Mimi and all the ex-BA guys from EU-Balnazzar. You made my time in WoW great and I'll miss you all.

I hope you all have a great new year 2007 and don't get *too* drunk!

Maybe some will never read this post, but it's ok because it's something I had to say .

Christmas 2006

2006-12-30T15:30:00.000+01:00

Christmas in Europe is different from Christmas in asia. In asia, it's probably just a holiday away from work, and the occasional "christmas" sale in the shops. Given that christmas in Singapore is about as cold as an eskimo wearing his full fur coat in an oven heated to 200 deg celsius. No, Christmas in Europe is equal to the Chinese New Year of asia. People go home early, they get their presents, they take the chance to meet up with their family. In other words, companies make a killing during christmas time hawking all their wares at overpriced rates. After all, people have to buy because it's Christmas, and Christmas often demands that you give your loved ones a gift.

Of course to celebrate Christmas properly, you need a christmas tree! No, those plastic ones at home won't work here. Selecting the tree wasn't so hard as we had a friend who sold them nearby and she kept a nice one for us at a decent price too. It was a good thing the car just managed to fit it in, otherwise it would have meant driving around zero deg for 20 minutes.

"Der Kleine Blauer" as we call our car

Afterwards, the tree would require trimming, and decorating, and finally, the gifts are placed below to create the scene here. Dimmed lights and candles are a must, along with some nice Christmassy music from a tape deck that's repeated once it runs out.

You even get a complimentary foot in the picture

Me looking like a "typical" Asian courtesy of the bread basket

I got some pretty nice gifts that day, but I think the two that stood out most were a calendar wifey made for me for the time I would be in London - she made pictures of herself and pasted them on a calendar so I would always see her there, and her sis gave me this cow I called Kuhgel - pronounced Kuh-girl. In german kügel means a round ball, and since this cow was a ball, it wasn't hard. The pun that all cows are female didn't give me any chance but to name her that.

Is she round or what?

I don't really know what to write to spice this narrative up but that's christmas for me in Europe almost every year. In retrospect, I should have taken more pictures of the food but oh well, there's always next year. I hope everyone had a good christmas and a great new year 2007!!!

Almost to 2007!

2006-12-30T01:51:00.000+01:00

I'm back from Christmas at the in-laws. It was a nice time, relaxing, sleeping, and chain-watching dvds like there was no tomorrow. In fact, it gave me the chance to check out some nice dvds I never really had the inclination or urge to watch. As far as presents went, I got some cool stuff too, which I'll put up on the blog tomorrow. Today's a day for rest and relaxation, seeing as I drove up and down 6 hours one way I think I'm entitled to it.

I hope everyone else had a nice Christmas time as well.

Christmas Shopping = Pain

2006-12-19T21:12:00.000+01:00

Christmas shopping a week before Christmas. Throngs of people desperately trying to get a gift. What probably started as "I'll get this Nintendo Wii for Mike or Barbie doll for Cheryl" has probably turned into desperation shopping as items are being sold out. When shops decide to add into the desperation factor by offering sales on already discounted products, it just adds to the mix to form a heady, chaotic mess that I was invariably stuck in. Someone with absolutely almost no clue on what to get wifey.

In the end, I decided to think it over some food. One can't shop on an empty tummy, it's not good for health, and it's not good for morale. Everyone should shop on at least a half-filled tummy.

Starting at 10am till 4pm, I finally found some things I wanted to get her. Some things that I "might" get her and some things I definitely wouldn't get her. So for those things that I was unsure about to get her, I'll go back tomorrow. Into the massing throngs of people, to check one last time before buying the items. Sigh, christmas shopping. I really have to follow on my own advice. If I have an idea on what to get wifey, just keep some for Christmas, otherwise I end up out of gift ideas if I buy them on the spot.

As a little gift to myself, I got some DVDs, a DVD burner and some DVD-R discs to bring my music collection with me to the UK.

Oops says it all

2006-12-18T14:49:00.000+01:00

I made a mess of my music library today when I clicked on "compile" in my iTunes Folder. Of course I tried to undo the mess but it seemed irreversible, so I had to recompile all my music again which takes some time, but on the other hand, looking on the bright side of things, maybe now I can actually get some order in my iTunes music folders.

This comes with the fact that I don't know how to shift my music from my iPod to my laptop iTunes folder. And since I can't seem to get my laptop connected to the internet, this means more pain as the iPod can only be sync'ed to one iTunes program. Hair wringer anyone? It's becoming a mite more problematic than what it should be doing - ie. simplifying our lives!!!

I've suddenly realized that time is ticking down really quickly. Come Thursday, I've got to be driving 600 km plus to my in-laws' place, so this leaves me just today till Wednesday to sort out all the other details before London. What actually is there to do....... hmmmm...... sort the laptop, get my haircut - in Europe the prices are exorbitant nonetheless, and sort out bank details, etc. Run of the mill stuff, shouldn't be too hard, but the fact that it *is* run of the mill makes it a chore to do sometimes.

James Bond - Everything or Nothing

2006-12-16T18:12:00.000+01:00

I took a little trip down memory lane today via popping in James Bond - "Everything or Nothing" into the Xbox and playing through it again. And I have to say --> THIS is how Bond should be. How could they leave out Q/R in Casino Royale? Wifey even noticed that Moneypenny was left out as well. Reorganization of the franchise is one thing, but messing about with the poor sods who should be going through mishaps in the lab for the audience's pleasure is another.

27 - count them - 27 stages excluding multiplayer - and they aren't even easy stages make this a game worth getting. You might be asking, why on earth talk about a game that's been released 3 years ago. Simple. It's one of the best games I ever bought for the Xbox, and it's a good lift after the movie that *was* Casino Royale. Maybe I just needed a little Bond therapy from the good 'ol days.

Bond with empty glass bottle vs Terrorist with big gun. Guess who wins?

For the first time, Pierce Brosnan lends his voice to the character, along with a star studded cast including Willem Dafoe as the villain Diavolo. Eye candy is included, Bond being Bond - there's Heidi Klum, Shannon Elizabeth, Mya and Misaki Ito.... mmmm she's cute. Check out her pic below along with a sample. Mya sings the title track aptly named "Everything or Nothing" - and it's done pretty well.

Shannon Elizabeth and Heidi Klum

Mya

Mya again just hanging around the fireplace. Does that dress make her butt look fat?

Misaki Ito...mmmmm ^^

I'm freeeeefallliiiiiinnnnnnnnnn.........*SPLAT*

Stealth stage where you use nothing vs guys with guns. Yeah, it's hard. But then the baddies often are both blind and deaf. It's a prerequisite attribute for baddies.

Dammit, they left R out of Casino Royale......the Evil Sods!

Just some of the vehicular carnage you can cause

So it might be old, but for those hankering for the old Bond experience or just want to play your favourite secret service agent, this is a very good game to get. They've refined many of the niggling problems that plagued the last 2 Bond games so you should get almost seamless gameplay here. Now to try and better my last score. Good memories indeed.

Winter Market

2006-12-15T19:16:00.000+01:00

Last night I had to take some colleagues out to see the town, so we ended up driving to Koln just to do something. Anything's almost better than sitting down in a silent hotel room doing nothing, from past experience unless one is so totally knackered out by work. I believe everyone should put everything into their work, only if it was their passion, and not by coercion of work pressures. But that's probably life as it is nowadays in the work environment. Here are some pics - the lack of a camera stand really hurts night exposures - yet again.

Santa is overweight. Too many years of eating/stealing christmas goodies from all the kids he visits.

Christmas Tree on top of a stage next to the Cathedral

I wonder why David wanted to expose himself in this cold weather...... think of his nuts >< Koln by night across the river

I guess the cold trip taught me something important - how to finally switch off my ipod. I always let the album finish up because I didn't know that I just needed to press pause a little longer than normal to stop the player. Duh... Anyhow, being a typical asian, I found myself comparing prices. I saved 60 Euros on my ipod when buying it from asia. Whoo hoo!!! I managed to get myself a nifty case too, just that it was a little sad to think something like that cost me 30 Euros. Stupid european prices. Everything should be cheap for consumers like us. The worst thing was, there was nothing really better to buy to protect the ipod. :(

It doesn't even look good or balanced but as long as it keeps the ipod from damage I guess it's ok.

Give Money to Feed the Goat. Baaaaaa......

2006-12-13T21:30:00.000+01:00

I'm tired today. Like most other days, except that today it's exceptionally so. Now there are various degrees of tiredness. There's the "Oh, I'm tired but I think I can hang on for an hour or so"...... eventually dragging to maybe 4 hours, or half the night. Then there's the "Damn, I'm beat" tiredness after a bout of rigourous exercise. And then there's the "Damn I can't hear another word she's saying about how good these shoes are compared to the other pair. Shoes *are* shoes". Compound that with an aching droning in your brain due to vivid nightmares of strange hooded figures trying to have their wicked way with you and you've got a whopper of a headache and tiredness rolled into one. Of course if strange hooded figures don't work for you, then feel free to replace that with dogs, siamese twins, preserved mutton chops......whatever tickles your fancy.

I wished I brought my camera today as I was showing some business associates around Bonn, but those are the breaks. What was supposed to be a normal sightseeing trip turned out to be a mite interesting. For one, I knew busking and asking for money on the streets were normal here in Europe, but I think I've seen the cutest one ever - just no camera! Darn.

"Donate to feed the Goat". Yups. Someone was soliciting money to feed his goat, which conveniently was baaaing away - do goats baaa? I thought only sheeps baaaaa'ed. Anyhow it was a goat baaaaa....unless my ears deceived me. And a loud baaaa it was too, since I could hear it from a few hundred meters away despite the throngs of passing shoppers. That was one loud goat. For such a needy sign, the goat sure was looking very VERY well fed but who am I to complain? It just was interesting seeing something different. I guess I could buy a cow and ask people to feed her too. Hmmmm now there's a thought.

Good news - I'll have my passport processed before the year ends which is great since we had no idea it would take 4 weeks compared to 1 day in Munich. Yay! I'm cheering away. Now all I need to figure out is still the accom. But since everything has been pretty smooth, I'm not going to fret about this. Yippee!!! :D

Musik

2006-12-11T12:37:00.000+01:00

Usually I don't listen to german music much but now and then comes a couple of nice songs that I bump into. One such song is Ohne dich (schlaf ich heut nacht nicht ein) - AKA Without You ( I can't sleep tonight) - is Münchner Freiheit - or Munich Freedom - based on my loose translating skills. I had some of their songs mainly because I was helping my sis-in-law compile some music on CDs and had to get the mp3 versions. Anyhow, it was on random play in my ipod and it started playing in the middle of the night and it started getting my feeling kinda soppy and sentimental. I never expected a german song to do that to me.

I mean, germans are supposed to be these hard headed, choleric, unfeeling, brutal, evil teutonic people - for the most parts, you'll never meet a more stubborn sort (sic!) who won't budge from their point of view once they decide to put their fences down and sit on it. If you should choose to move them from that, then I predict massive amounts of pain on your part. Anyhow, it made me wonder how they could come up with such a great track. Maybe it had to do with the translation - without any knowledge of german it could be anything and I'd have no idea but maybe it was the melody, the mood, the words.

German have a strange way of creating doublets in their songs, poetry, rhyme and verse akin to certain english writers such as Chaucer and Shakespeare, although Shakespeare was technically more advanced with his language, Chaucer probably comes closest. I had to learn the Canterbury Tales and believe you me, it wasn't easy. I can only guess that was a modernization - then in the 1300s - of the angle-saxon dialect infused with norman influences ala William the Conqueror. I'm a fond lover of medieval history and what I can get my hands in material, I'll happily devour.

Bla bla bla....either that or shoot yourself from the boredom of travelling by horse from London to Canterbury

I remember growing up with the Encyclopedia Britanica - now a relic of bygone days, thanks to the DVD haha - and spending hours just opening it up and reading it. Reading is a lost art now in most cases because as kids nowadays, you've got the internet, and no cozy fire and a warm book. Although I tended to think that if the book was useless as reading material, it would do better as firewood. I guess that's what happens to all those useless business reports and articles that are "supposed" to disappear from people's offices during the cold winter months. ^^

Still figuring out what to give wifey for Christmas. *twiddles thumbs* Actually I've got an idea but I won't be able to do it until next year. >_<

Inverse Polarity

2006-12-10T06:01:00.000+01:00

I'm awake at 6am. This comes as a huge shock to me, and for those who know me, I don't know what happeneed, but now my eyes start falling sleepy at around 10 am and then I just knock out a little later. Wierd actually, since I'm usually a night owl sorta person. Not that I'm complaining mind you. I've been actually trying to get to bed in a proper sort of time and rhythm, and this pops in just nicely before film school starts - what with the hectic schedule, I just wanted to get this part of my life sorted out. I guess it boils down to, what God fixes, just don't ask how it happened, just be thankful that it did happen. :D

Now I'm still wracking my brains over what to get wifey for Christmas. I'm really stumped because I've gone through the lists and still haven't come up with anything suitable. Maybe I don't want repetition. Maybe I just give her way too many things. I'm the sort of person that figures if she'll like something I'll just buy and give it to her now and not later. Of course that this exhausts my gift giving options later on is self-explanatory. Hmmm hmmm hmm hmm. I saw this DVD in the local shop and maybe I'll get this.

Warning - contains disturbing scenes that might offend viewers. Indeed.

Film school wise, plans keep on changing on the accommodation, but everything seems to be shifting in the right direction. Slowly but surely I think it'll be okay, although there's always the nagging worry sometimes that getting to London without any accommodation isn't really the best thing to do. But I'm happy that's solved now - kudos to LondonChinese on the Overseas s'pore website. Will share more later on once I ironed out the details.

Not Standing Insitu

2006-12-08T13:35:00.000+01:00

The search for accommodation goes on. Most of London is really priced horribly expensive it's hard to believe. Of course London being London isn't really an excuse, but still, it *is* overpriced for a badly planned, badly arranged city. It could have been better than it was before the great fire, but they chose to continue building on top of existing plans - if one could even call those plans.

Anyhow, we've come across several potential sites and hope they turn out successful. I'm just going to cross my fingers and pray for the best. Let you know soon whether it all works out. Big kudos to those helping me and my flatmates look for a flat in London.

Now to more European affairs -

The weather here is getting really asian. I never thought I'd see huge torrential rainpour in Germany, but I guess I was mistaken. And in the middle of cold weather. Back home, warm weather and rain was often welcomed, and then the resulting humidity arising afterwards was tolerated with some slight disdain, at least I did that. But pop into the air-conditioned malls and you're alright again! :D Here, there's no such thing. It's just cold winds making your already numb fingers even number, and in buildings, it's not toasty warm but - you guessed it - chillingly cold sans air-conditioning.

Brrrrr........... and they all say I dress like an eskimo. Better to be warm I say, than being macho but freezing all over. No, that's *not* a good feeling, if you get my drift.

Comtemplations and Faith

2006-12-05T23:22:00.000+01:00

When in doubt, praise
Lift up your hands
Raise your voices, your spirit
And praise

See not the situation
See not the obstacles
Just
Praise
Just praise
Just praise

Speak and pray
Ask and it shall be given
Unto you,
Unto you
Just pray

The deepest desire of your heart
The darkest depths
Within
Your soul
Within
Your innermost being

Praise

I'm fearful, I'm scared
So I go to the word
I go to the source
Of my peace
Of my solutions,
Of my salvation

From sin
From fear
From doubt
From frustration
From anger
From deceit
From lust
From all

My refuge is in the Lord
My refuge is in the Lord
MY refuge is in the Lord
And in His name which is a Strong Tower
I take my refuge in

Proverbs 18:10
The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.

Counting Down the Days

2006-12-05T22:53:00.000+01:00

So it's less than one month before I fly into London. I've sent over the first half of my course fee and I have to say, it's grace that got me the exchange rate I needed. I remember one month ago talking to my dad about exchange rates, and he told me that it would never get to the rate I required - but I just prayed and hoped and it's exceeded what I asked for. And no, I'm no George Soros, I'm not rich enough - not yet anyway! - to influence markets and currency rates. I needed a Euro - US rate of 1 : 1.30 and I got a 1 : 1.32. At that point of our discussion it was 1 : 1.25 or something like that. What's the worth of 7 cents you ask? Not in a small amount maybe, but once you magnify it, it's huge. The savings I get from that will fund my stay for 2 more months or buy 250 mins worth of film. It all depends how one manages it.

To tell the truth, I was never really good at managing money, and I'm probably not the best now, but this experience is teaching me the value of simple currency and where even the simplest choices of vendor matter. It's not being a cheapskate, it's knowing where to allocate your money to maximize your return.

We did the extension on my passport today for the German staying and working permission - arbeitserlaubnis or arbeitsbescheinigung or whatever long word they call it. It used to take one day in Munich, but apparently over here up north, the sytem takes 4 weeks. And most germans don't like it when bavarians boast about how good and efficient their state is - Munich is the capital of Bavaria by the way - which makes me wonder if they've got their head screwed on right. No doubt the lady this morning at 7.45 am was nice, but she couldn't promise anything. But she still didn't believe or didn't want to believe down south it's much more efficient or well, the inverse holds true. Maybe they up north are just a tad inefficient.

The only problem that's bugging me right now is the flat - or rather, lack of a flat so far. But I still hold onto the belief that it will come at the right time. I'm supposed to be sharing a flat with a fellow course attendee from Sweden but he hasn't replied yet. I guess I'm getting nervy because it's less than one month - ergo the first sentence. But wifey and I just simply tell ourselves that if everything has fallen into place so far, then it will continue to fall into place by the grace of God. I don't see the sun for the clouds but the sun still shines above the clouds, so I shouldn't worry and just be happy.

Oh, and I just finished up Fable on the Xbox. I know it's a game, but I've been doing so many things at once I've got to focus and finish up what I start. Beginning from the smallest things to the larger things. Fable was ok, but seemed unfinished somehow. Maybe those marketing people put the finished aka polished version up as "The Lost Chapters" and the beta as Fable to make a quick buck. Never trust the marketing department - bunch of lies if you don't look carefully enough.

Chrismassy Times

2006-12-02T19:31:00.000+01:00

I woke up at 12pm today. An amazing feat considering the circumstances. Don't know why. Head was groggy. I had some wierd R.E.M dream which I can't recall anymore. I woke up, the door opened, and wifey walked in. Perfect timing since she said she was going to wake me up to sign some document. Of course I could have signed anything at that point, blur and confused as I was. Tip - if you want to get your significant sign divorce papers giving you all the assets and whatnot - do it in the morning when he's totally blur and make sure the letter is in a foreign language. That always works, since our brains don't really like to function after only a few hours of sleep. I never knew sleep was so important until I tried doing my maths homework with barely minimal sleep. As you'd expect, the result was not good.

Christmas Market in Bonn. Lots of lights, lots of people, lots of the same old things on display. I think the only things that really interest me at Christmas markets are the food. I got myself a HUGE fish sandwich and a dvd of Akira Kurosawa's RAN (luan - 4th tone in chinese) to look at in the interests of different film styles for my studies next month/year. Not too bad a buy at 8 euros. Then after wards, a mint flavoured mocha latte from Starbucks as a little treat to myself - and to help me stay awake. And now, back home to the computer, and to my room warm room. ^^

I've been listening heavily to Matt Redman's track "Call to Worship" - more good stuff.

Artist: Matt Redman
Song: Call to worship
Album: Where Angels Fear To Tread

We come to your mountain
The hill of the Lord we would ascend
And journey into your holy place
To feast in your presence
And bring our devotions to you, God
We come as a kingdom of your priests

We're climbing up the mountain of the Lord
Towards your holy place
And every step is praise
Encountering the glory of your name
Your throne of holiness
The wonders of your grace

Come, come let us worship
Come let us recognize what a sacred thing we do
Come, let us bow down
God, as we bring our hearts
Let them please the heart of you

We enter your sanctuary
To minister at your holy throne
Where thousands of angels joyfully sing

Lyrics gotten from here.

Sleepless

2006-12-02T05:49:00.000+01:00

I'm sleepless. I can't sleep. I'm trying to stay away from my bed as long as possible even though I know sooner or later, I'll have to meet it. I don't want to sleep. I've been watching "Lost in Translation" again. It's amazing, that film. I've been wondering how do moviemakers piece together 90 minutes of film, to tell a story. I'm scared that I can't do it myself in mine for 10 minutes, let alone 90. That film is so surreal it's so good. Everybody identifies with it, I'm sure, at some point of time in their lives.

I guess mine has been for the last decade. I've been stuck on statis wondering what I'm supposed to be doing while time, people, and events have passed me by. I've aged, I've experienced some things. Some for the better, and those for the worse, I hope I learn from them. I still don't understand what and why I'm doing in Germany for the most part. I understand the language, but I do know I don't want to work there. I want a place that speaks english, and a level of comfort. Maybe I'm happy I'm going to move to the UK next year. At least there's some semblence of familiarity there if not just for the language. I've been lost for 5 years here and I am desperate to find myself, whereever the disparate parts of me are.

Waiting

2006-12-01T20:19:00.000+01:00

I'm impatient. I think I've always been that sort. I can't wait for the good things to happen, I can't wait for the right time. Most things, I guess I would like to have now, irrespective of whether it's the right thing or the right time. Some people will say that there's the right time to do something and the wrong time to do something. Others will say that timing is all a state of mind, that one should do all that one can do and if luck falls and smiles in your corner, then it's yours. I really don't know which one to prescribe to. But all that's happened so far, works best when I decide not to care or bother about it

Life has a strange way of working. When you lose focus on certain aspects just out of sheer frustration, then somehow it all falls in place. Sometimes. Life has a strange way of throwing curveballs at you without you really realizing it. Outside looking in, I'm part of a generation of people who don't really know what they want, or maybe we do know, but we don't know how to get there. Most of us are strugging because the road seems so far, and so hard. People say we're trying to fight for the dream. Frankly, I don't even know where I'm headed in the long term, just for the next step.

Some see life as a long term investment, others see it as just a temporary flux. I mean, after all, we're all going to die in the end. Where do we go after that? I guess for those who do know the answer, they can't tell us since they're there already. Sort of a catch-22. Maybe if we did know, we'd be less cruel, more humane. Less bitchy, less harsh and a little more understanding. Just because this world is slowly becoming harder doesn't mean that we have to make it so for ourselves and those around us.

Oh, and as a last note. I have absolutely no idea what I'm really typing about. Some stuff just wanted to come out. And this is a great place to get release in the temporal sense. I'm just waiting. Waiting for the next step of my life to start and the anticipation is getting to me. Will it be good? I hope so with all my heart.

Romans 8:28 (King James Version)
King James Version (KJV)

28And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Cold Front

2006-11-30T14:53:00.000+01:00

It looks like it's going to be a really cold winter again in Germany, what with the weather going crazy again, from the warmest November on record, Mr Weatherman has decided to be a little sick SOB and go all cold on me. It's strange, but the cold has a wierd effect on me. I guess it's a choice of either hot humid and stifling or cold freezing and dreary. Hah, talk about mental attitudes. Bear in mind though, that in winter the choice of clothing for most women are thick jackets, it takes quite a bit of dressing to make them curvacious, not like in summer when not much is left to the imagination, mmmm hmmm.

For those with no experience with the cold, it's nice at first, when the fascination is still present. If there's any evidence of snow, it gets better because snow gives a certain impetus for one to ignore the cold altogether. "Oh look, it's snow, wow, it's so pretty, wheeee" However, after being through close to 10 winters now, - dammit, is it 10 already? Time goes by too quick - I think I've lost quite a bit of fascination with the cold weather. Now I'm beginning to understand the europeans who're stuck in colder climes who yearn for warmer weather. Brrrr.

Of course, you have to combine it with the incesscant German knack for handicrafting their own things. Normally I don't mind, but when some people decide that "sculpting" is their thing and start hacking away at the walls/block of wood/dead pieces of meat with such force that the whole flat can hear them, then something is wrong. Seriously wrong, because this isn't the first time I've faced this problem. It was the same back in Munich. Wierd people, these germans. So I've to wake up thanks to the hammering of the guy living downstairs and to face the cold in a pair of shorts - cold drafts ain't pretty, try to imagine it. Such is the habit dressing for summer in a land already in winter.

Dual Polarity

2006-11-29T05:40:00.000+01:00

Men are strange creatures. One moment I'm all alive and chirpy, the next, I'm suddenly broody and silent. The duality in my own personality never fails to amaze and scare me at the same time. I'm afraid of myself, of my own private demons I keep locked inside which keep trying to claw themselves out. One funny thing about Casino Royale, it lets me see that all men have their armor on, even though it was paraphrased in the movie to one man, I feel it is generally spread out to the rest of us men. Do we really need to put on that armor that covers us? Or do I choose instead of let someone else cover me? Someone who's infallible to cover me up when I'm cold, tired, lonely and hungry and needing a break in life.

I checked out some personality tests just out of curiousity and instead of enlightenment - of which I didn't expect to find any - I end up more confused. How the hell does someone have an almost equal balance of all types. It would have been so much easier to have one primary and one secondary temperament. But no, I've got to get it all balanced. Well almost, other than a main Sanguine element which, by far isn't really very much, the rest are neck and neck. Maybe that's why I feel so confused with my own behaviour for the last 10 years. But I do know, sometimes, fear keeps my heart in check when I should be just going out there and just doing it.

I hate fear, fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of everything that could happen, a la Murphy's Law. That's why I need someone to cover me when I'm afraid. Deep inside all men, we are children wanting to be rescued. More so for those who didn't grow up with a strong parental atmosphere. I don't know if I'll make a good dad one day. But I guess I'll learn as it comes along. One thing though, I'll do my best to make sure family comes first, even if it is hard and maybe I'll fall and fail sometimes, I'll still choose to believe that grace is more than enough to cover me and my family.

Maybe that's why there's the bible, maybe that's why we're all innately interested about spirituality at the end of the road and day. Because we can't answer all of life's questions through intellect. That maybe somewhere, somehow, there lies an unanswered question of "what ifs" at the steps of death's door.

Belief.

To take away my own duality and look on someone's divinity.

If anyone gets a chance to listen to Jars of Clay - Good Monsters Album, check out the tracks "Light gives heat" and "Water flows under the bridge". It's good stuff.

Casino Royale

2006-11-28T15:08:00.000+01:00

Having watched James Bond ever since A View to a Kill in 1986 - I think it was then - when I was only a weee lad of 10, I've tried my best to catch every Bond movie since then. Many have said that Casino Royale was a new beginning in the franchise, sort of like what Marvel have done with their comic series characters. For those who don't know, Casino Royale is set in the beginning which showed how Bond became Bond. This is a Bond who's dark, gritty, and shows more cuts, bruises, dirt, etc etc etc. than the previous Bonds so far and it shows.

In fact, the first scene is shot in grey almost like it's supposed to be a memory we're watching. The movie loses much of it's double edged humour in this incarnation but provides more wordplay between Bond and the other characters, most notably Eva Green who plays his love interest. Instead of the witty one-liners with double meanings there is now notable banter, comebacks, etc. that last longer than your average 5 seconds. Maybe the production team wanted a Bond - who is more intelligent, calculating and analyzing than before. Nonetheless it's a very obvious shift from the past.

One thing though, I think Eva Green gets stuck with the tragic characters, like in Kingdom of Heaven. The final scenes were interesting because I'm still wondering how they shot the underwater scene. Maybe it was CG in the end with the building and the lift but it looked like chaos in there. The only drawback would be the movie's length. The first action scene took like 15 minutes. Then another airport chase. Then the casino where there are fights/Scares aplenty. Then the final scenes where there's another *surprise* firefight, and at the end I got bored of all the action. Action is good, but too much is..... well it becomes boring and mundane.

Some things I was a little disapointed about though, was the fact that it was hinted to have more scenes for Ivana Milicevic who plays the Villian's girlfriend but there were not many other than her screaming - which was a total letdown. Speaking of the Villian, Le Chiffre, it turns out he's quite a crap villian who only knows how to do two things well. Act menacing and beg for his life like a wuss. Pretty crap for a villian if you ask me. Perhaps they should have taken some more time to work on his character to flesh it out a bit. The plot is complicated, much more than most Bond plots in the past, and that's a nice plus, but again, too much action clogs it up such that by the end of the movie, I was thankful it ended so I could finally go home. Another minus of such a complicated plot is the fact that there are so many characters that each could perhaps been developed more but in with the lack of time, there was no possibility so what we get are 2 dimensional people doing certain roles and not much more.

Judi Dench as M still kicks ass in this movie, and I have to say she has a great screen presence - almost overpowering - in the scenes that she's in with Bond especially after he seems to know everything about her. I missed Q and R though. No more crazy crackpot inventors from the labs with malfunctioning equipment. :(

I'd give it 6 or 7 out of 10 tops after some reflection but to each his own.

On another note, I saw the trailer for Smoking Aces and the Departed which should prove to be good. I'm hoping I get to see the Departed before leaving for the UK because it looks really really good.

A Farmer's Best Friend

2006-11-27T01:34:00.000+01:00

Today I was thinking of watching the new James Bond movie, but after looking at the packed cinema list on the internet, I decided against it and so I'll be going tomorrow where I'll have the cinema all to myself and a few other people. It's great when one can be flexible and not restrict the times to just the weekends, though that's probably the most understandable time of all for most people.

Instead, I watched a show at home just because of the strange content. It's called "Bauer sucht Frau" in German and in English, it's translated to, "Farmer looks for a Wife". Yes, it's a matchmaking show for farmers. I wonder what sort of tests they make these peospective women do. "Honey, could you shovel out the dung? My back is acting up again today" or "Make sure you take the cows out to pasture up the hill at 5am", not mentioning that the hill in question is 1 km high. Ah yes, it's a farmer's life. Strange show, and even more so, stranger people who allow themselves to be filmed in pajamas, tights, and animals all put together. The link is here if you're really interested in it. Be warned - it's in icky German.

But back to Bond. I hope Casino Royale is good because I've gotten used to Pierce Brosnan as Bond. I've read reviews where most people said it's good so I'm really hoping so, otherwise the weight of expectation might do more to kill the film than to actually make it better. You know, when you expect something so much, you set the standard so high that suddenly after you've experienced it, it's only okay and not WOW GREAT EYEPOPPING MINDBLOWING etc. etc. I'll let you know tomorrow.

Medieval Coolness

2006-11-23T00:38:00.000+01:00

I'm a satisfied guy. I got received my copy of Medieval 2 in the mail. Yeah so it was released about a month ago, etc. Spare me all that. Do you know how hard it is to actually get something english speaking in Germany? Hell, try working with a German version of Windows. And no, you can't switch the language options from German, despite what others might say, I've tried it with a full plethora of advice and still no go.

Now to the fun part, if blood and gore is your thing. Medieval 2 is based on Rome Total War so fans of that will recognize the main map - Europe - almost immediately. Most of everything works like RTW but there are some little tweaks here and there such as the addition of merchants, and the religious aspect of the game where factions have a say over who gets to be the pope.

I tested it out, and the tutorial starts you off as William the Conqueror at the Battle of Hastings. Pretty normal stuff, not too hard. Harold getting beaned was pretty funny though since nothing seemed to have hit him. I guess heatstroke or something got to him. Anyhow, once done, you can start the main campaign almost fully equipped. As usual, I picked the - what else? - English since I love using Longbows. Nothing like just watching a row of cavalry charging only to get mown down by Longbowmen. Their range is really scary. A few units of those and your castle is almost secure. As long as their arrows don't run out, which is the only downside. But I've always thought it dumb that the besieged side is out of arrows so quickly considering they've got a huge citadel and therefore huge stores with it.

Anyhow, I'm back to Medieval 2 now, and gonna whup me some more French - what else? - ass. Oh, another cute fact, when you click on the units of various nationalities, they speak in cute accents and sometimes, they do have some pretty funny quips as well. This is a good good buy for all you strategy buffs out there.

Simply de-LUSH-ious

2006-11-21T01:08:00.000+01:00

Last Saturday we decided to do our Christmas shopping and got these little balls of bath powder/thingamajig from LUSH. I used to not like Lush, mainly because of the initial overpowering smell even before you reach the shop. It's true what they say, that you can smell Lush before you see it. But I realized once you entered the shop and stayed in there for around 5 to 10 minutes, you know what? The smell suddenly doesn't smell so bad after the initial few sniffs. Nonetheless I can only recommend their bath balls. Yups, I'll call them bath balls for lack of a better word.

Growing up in asia, I never understood the need for a bath tub, much less a warm bath since it was already so hot. The bath tub was only for us to fool around in as kids. Over here however, I understand the need for warmth since it's so cold. And that's where Lush comes in for all you self-pampering people out there. Simply drop one ball in the bath, get in and relaaaxxxxxxxxx..........zzzzzzzz *snore*

Psychodelic colours are they not?

Almost Scary

2006-11-20T22:37:00.000+01:00

You know, when I'm thinking about it, it's almost scary that another year is about to end, and a new one to begin. Time is beginning to seem like a blur. Experiences are just a simple spot on the mind and then, they're gone. Washed away into a sea of incoherence with only the memories remaining.

On hindsight, sometimes certain decisions in life are best postponed. Of course that's on hindsight because in the middle of the situation, most of the time, we don't know what's going to happen, and what direction to go. Left or right, up or down, no one really knows because each situation is unique, each step is transluscent. You could move upwards and onwards, or you could fall down to rock bottom.

Just been watching some movies I got over from Asia, mainly because they're not retailed in Germany. "She's the Man" starring Amanda Bynes is pretty funny. It's supposed to be a retake of Twelth Night by the Bard of Avon himself. Anyhow, it's a pretty good movie, lots of laughs, light-heartedness and a nice mushy ending as befits such movies. I'm sure Shakespeare would have been proud.

I still haven't got the chance to watch Marie Antoinette because the weather on Sunday was totally blah. Blah - defined as totally beyond any desire to even step out of the flat, and rather to cozy up in a nice warm blanket in the company of one's loved one. Yups, it was a blah weather day. Perhaps next week I'll actually watch a movie. It's not cheap here though, with tickets at 9-10 euroes and what not for parking and popcorn, etc. Total ripoffs these theatres are.

Insomniacs R Us

2006-11-18T04:32:00.000+01:00

I'm an insomniac. I hate to admit it, but the way it goes, it seems to be that way. I can't get to sleep until I really force myself to. I'm not sure if everyone feels exactly the same way I do, but until I feel that I've done "something" of worth in the course of the day, I can't get to sleep. Otherwise the day would have just been a waste. You know the feeling, that nagging feeling that something is missing that you've left out. Something that needs to be done, but you've no idea what it is. It gnaws at you from the inside of your brain, asking to be let out.

Maybe it's me pushing myself on when I should be resting, maybe it's me unconsciously being a rebel to the normal conventions of what "should be" and what "could be". I'm trying to undust my thinking cap and starting to write down my dreams again. For 10 years I've kept them locked up, for 10 years I've kept them closed in a cupboard because I never believed or expected or didn't even know how I would get to them. Suddenly the door is open, just a little, but at least it's opened and the way might be cloudy, but at least there's a way at last.

I should comfort myself in the knowledge that no matter what happens, I'm at least moving forward than remaining in stasis. Then I won't regret what I didn't do. Tomorrow the plan is to go shopping in Köln and hopefully I'll buy wifey some nice things to wear. And then catch Marie Antoinette at the movies. I like Sofia Coppola's works and I'm hoping that this will be as good as Lost in Translation. Right, now that I've done something that's been on my mind, I'll try to get to sleep.

Transportation

2006-11-15T11:12:00.000+01:00

With all the travelling we do sometimes when the going gets frantic, wifey tends to happily pack some "travelling companions" along. Here's the reality of super-budget-economy.

Look, they've even got a safety belt ^^

Waiting

2006-11-12T03:46:00.000+01:00

Waiting is never a really easy thing to do. All the tension, anticipation, excitement, expectation, and all other associated feelings get caught up in the hope of what might be in the future. I hate to wait. I'm not sure about everyone else, but waiting just drives me insane. It's not easy to remain focussed until the time arrives and the waiting is done. Maybe I should prepare a little more. 2 more months till film school starts and I'm already wishing I was doing it right now.

I guess there are a few more things I should do, and by this Sunday, they will be done. First off, is to get a flight to London. No problem, I've got a week to pick and choose, but the earlier the better, so I can get all the administrative details out of the way - such as phone lines, internet, bank accounts, etc. Second, I still need to sort out a flat. I find it a stupid system, but maybe it's because demand is so high that most landlords don't bother much about providing a decent service. I can't even get some of them to email me pictures of the flat. I'm definitely not going to fly up and down each time to view a potential flat. Hopefully, someone can help me out in this area.

It's going to be a great 10 months. Tough, stressful, but good tough and good stressfulness. It's going to be a challenge I'm looking forward to. I should take the chance to relish the rest I've got now and prep myself for the next hurdle. I've been thinking of brushing up my german anyhow, since I've got some time on my hands.
Anyhow, here's some muffins for those of you who're hungry. ^^

Eat ME!!!! :D

Shoes!

2006-11-08T15:40:00.000+01:00

I wasn't really sure what to post in the meanwhile because the wedding pics haven't arrived yet. I guess they're still in development. Until then, I've been busy looking after my parents who popped by for the wedding. Now they're off to Zurich, hopefully to see a few new sites. I thought I'd give you all a little tour of my humble abode - of the moment - with a pic here and there. Today's pic is about wifey's shoes collection. This is a partial pic, but well, I tried to make it look as good as possible. Nothing like experimentation to learn.

You can see one of our balconies in the background

Another view of wifey's shoes

3 times in 5 years

2006-11-06T17:50:00.000+01:00

Well, I have to say, it's finally sorted. We finally did the church wedding last Saturday and it was a nice day, considering the conditions for the last few days leading up to the wedding and the day after the wedding. We had nice sunshine and relatively warm weather for the ceremony, so much so that many people said that it was pleasant weather.

I was unsure if it would be, because a few hours before, it wasn't looking very good, then I flipped to a verse John 3:16, you know the one which states For God so loved the world he gave us his only Son, etc... and I recalled what my pastor back home said once. That if God didn't withold Jesus from us, then what more all the little things we require in life. That really encouraged me afterwards and the whole day turned out nicely.

So, now I'm married to the same woman 3 times in 5 years. I'm not sure if anyone anywhere else has that record. Such are the things someone with a partner of another culture has to go through sometimes. ^^ But to tell the truth, it was fun and I enjoyed the day. It was a different aspect and experience for me, and I saw the good sides of both types of weddings.

I would post pics of dinner, but I haven't got any pictures of the food yet. Food is important to any celebration because it means either happy or unhappy guests, among other factors. The place we went to was good, and if we required a place to host larger functions, then I'd happily return again. Anyhow, here are some pics of the day from my camera. I'll post more pictures once I get them.

Yes, yes, you can see my butt here

A pic with wifey and her sisters ^^

The beautiful decorations her mom did for us

The Blues?

2006-11-04T12:35:00.000+01:00

It's strange. I've been feeling wierd for the last hour or so. I know that I'm going to do a church ceremony to get married - for the 3rd time! - in about 3 hours, but I've got some things in my head. It's wierd I say. I've been married for the last almost 5 years to the perfect wife and yet I have some jitters. Maybe it's because it's a church wedding. Maybe it's before God. I don't see God as an old cranky guy who is going to throw lightning bolts at me if I do something wrong. But the fact that it's a church wedding means that well, there's an added dimension to the entire thing.

There are so many facets to being a man in charge of his family that mind-boggles me. I'm actually declaring responsibility to look after someone. I know I've done it before, but well..........I don't know. It's different this time. Not a bad different, but a different different, if you get what I mean. It's so hard to piece together various fragments of my thoughts and emotions at this point in time. I'm not avoiding it, but I realize from this point on, there are more things that I have to change in my life to be a better person. Not because I want to, but well, because for the future, it would be better.

Now I know what they mean when they say guys can't express themselves as lucidly as girls. Tongued-tied. It's when you say "I do" to marrying this woman for life before God, it's I do for life. For better or for worse. It's that moment all over again - I blame cross cultural relationships for this 3rd wedding, I love them, but the number of weddings is getting close to ridiculous.....

Anyhow, I shouldn't worry so much. Just relax and let it flow and it'll all be ok.

Cookies....Mmm....Yummeh....

2006-11-03T18:43:00.000+01:00

I tried my hand at baking cookies. The hapless volunteers stood in rows as they were "prepped" and then shoved straight into the war zone. Not too bad, I might add, after 15 mins in the oven. I'm now proud to declare that I'm a "professional" cookie-maker. Enjoy.

Atten-hut!

All ready to go....into my tummeh!!! *evil laugh*

The Evil has been Purged!

2006-11-03T04:03:00.000+01:00

Finally, after 6 months or so of procrastination, well, give or take a few months more, but none less, the evil fish tank is cleaned. Of course it didn't go down easily, because it left a stink and pong that rose to high heaven. It still lingers in my room despite my best room cleaning spray, trying to remind me of what once was. Still, given some time, I expect it to fade soon. Procrastination sucks, that I know. Yet still, I'm guilty of so many counts of it. Sometimes, I'm afraid to face the truth, or just to get my hands dirty to do the deed now instead of letting it accumulate into much more later. Here are some pics for your viewing pleasure. Don't blame me if you can't eat or drink after seeing these. View at your own risk!!!

An evil sight to behold

The Cleaning begins!

Me trying to keep a happy face despite the stench...

And voila!!! A somewhat clean tank. It's a miracle it even got to this stage.

And now, to bed because it's 4am here and I need to wake up early tomorrow. Sigh, I hope I'll last the day tomorrow sorting out some more things for the wedding. >_<

Mundane

2006-11-02T05:28:00.000+01:00

You know, for the last few days I haven't been putting any posts on the blog. Not that I don't like to blog or think it a chore, well, sometimes a little bit, when I feel that I absolutely have to post something just to post something to keep the flow up. Otherwise I might just forget about blogging, and then it'll be going, going, gone.

Today, unfortunately, is one of those days. I don't really know what to write because life has been routine, normal, standard, mundane, like any other day. Except unlike Pinky and the Brain, I'm not trying to take over the world. I'm just trying to live my life and wondering where it'll lead me. Sometimes in the impeteousness and idealism of youth, we believe in a perfect end, a perfect middle, and to live the dream we all thought we could have.

Sometimes getting to that dream is a struggle, much like an ant trying to tread water. You've never seen an ant tread water have you? Try putting some in. It's pretty entertaining in the beginning, then it gets boring. You could bait them with food then toss the entire chunk, ants included into the water and watch them all tread water. Callous, cruel, maybe. But well, when I'm bored, I'm bored.

I seek purpose, direction, entertainment. I want to breathe rather than just exist. I want to savour every little breath, to understand life in its fullness. Fullness in life does mean some activity, but not running around the flat cleaning it up non stop. All activities and no stepping back is just work and no consideration.

I've uploaded around maybe 30-40% of my collection into my ipod, so I guess there's more work to be done there. That's best done when I do my blog, right like now, so I'm actually multi-tasking - a word I don't use or actually follow in my real life much. They say guys can't multi-task. I say they're right.

The wedding is coming to a climax soon. So many things to deal with and the icky aquarium still begs for cleaning. And me trying to push it further away, but it doesn't seem like wanting to run away from me, so I better clean it up before my parents get here on Friday, otherwise I'm going to be facing endless nagging. Man, I hate being nagged. It's nothing but torture. No guy wants or loves to be nagged at. So, ladies, there's a tip for you, should you come across this. Guys hate to be nagged at. It's a quick way to get the guy to run off somewhere else. Preferably to another hot chick who won't nag at him, at least in the initial stages of the relationship.

I still have to deal with my accommodation in London. Not too easy, but I managed to get back into contact with Greg, an old study buddy of mine in UK and he helped to put me in the right direction so that should hopefully give me some good points. Blair from WoW also helped me with some good advice so the more advice the better. If you got anything, feel free to drop me a mail and let me know. Thanks in advance!

Ok, my bed calls to me now. See you all whenever I'm gonna post a little something.

Ok, enough typing for today.

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2006-10-29T21:08:00.000+01:00

Oh the tragedy. To return home and chuck a CD into the drive only to find out that it's broken/cracked. I have no idea how it happened since it was ok before I left for home. But as you can see from the pic, it's somehow got a really big, bad and ugly crack. Suffice to say, I got a replacement cheap, but it won't arrive for a few days yet.

Guess this means Frozen Throne has got to wait for a few more days...

On the plus side, I've been cleaning up the room, and some stuff that's been lying here ever for a few years have finally been sorted out. Now they're all lying in the bins downstairs. But you know what? Somehow, it doesn't make a huge amount of difference. The room still looks cluttered up somehow. No, I think more cleaning is necessary for me to feel some peace of mind here. Between this and Ipod music documentation, it's some useful occupation for me at least so the time isn't totally wasted. Now I understand the importance of making sure that everything is cleaned up constantly. I'd take a pic to show you, but I'm kinda embarassed by the current transitional mess.