T-minus 5 hours

It'S 4am and I can't sleep. My mind is so full of thoughts. I don't fear tomorrow. I don't fear the night. Strange thing is, sometimes life leads us on roads we don't know about. The ones who're on the road rarely trodden, where maybe not many would like to go because it's too "unknown" or too "way out" of the norm. I don't believe in many things, but I do believe in doing what your heart believes in, and where it leads you.

Sometimes, I think as a man, I've failed. There are so many things that I could have done, should have done, but did not do. It's so true that a boy will remain a boy, and never grow into what he should be - a man. Failed to myself, to my wife, and most importantly, to all I hold dear within me. We're composed of values, of traits, of morals. And once these are gone, what will then become of us when something else fills that void which is not right?

Sometimes, I think the burden I carry is so heavy, even though it doesn't seem to be a burden at all. Not to those who do not, or cannot see, but the burden of expectation is probably the worst burden of all to carry. When people expect more out of you, that you'll be a miracle-maker, to turn results to gold suddenly, or to add extra digits to the bottom line. Expectation carries its own heavy burden, and to those ones who have to bear it, life's not as rosy as others on the outside see it to be.

Of course I could be dramatizing, having only 4 hours left to sleep to the morrow, but I desire peace. Peace to know that everything will be all right. A man may be as stoic as he can be, but what happens when that wall breaks? A man may gird himself in armor, to resist the struggles of life, but what happens when that armor collapses? Peace is what I desire, what I need. What I thirst for, in this time.

The weight of expectation upon me is not light. For those that hope that I succeed, there are equally those waiting, to tell me with all their worldly experience and ego "I told you so, that it wouldn't work. You should have listened to me." Therefore, no matter what, I cannot fail whatever it is I've set out to do because failure isn't an option at all.

There's no more looking back because it only leads to discouragement. Just focus on the road ahead and be merry. I found these lyrics on a site here that's just beautiful.

The song is from Carmen - unfortunately I don't know the exact name of the track or which album it's from.

In myself I failed the Lord
Then was afraid to try once more
That fire in my soul had fled
Thats when Jesus came and said

My spirit, gives the strength you need
to raise you up and to succeeed
and for vision in the night
to you I'll give these words of light

fear not my child
Im with you always
I feel every pain
and every tear I see

Fear not my child
Im with you always
I know how to care
for what belongs to me

He said my child dont look behind
Discouragement is all you'll find
dont watch the waves that roll the sea
just focus your eyes on me

And I will make you strong and then
your shattered courage I will mend
and if you fall and should get hurt
remember these eternal words

fear not my child
Im with you always
I feel every pain
and every tear I see

Fear not my child
Im with you always
I know how to care
for what belongs to me

I know how to care
for what
belongs to me