Dual Polarity

Men are strange creatures. One moment I'm all alive and chirpy, the next, I'm suddenly broody and silent. The duality in my own personality never fails to amaze and scare me at the same time. I'm afraid of myself, of my own private demons I keep locked inside which keep trying to claw themselves out. One funny thing about Casino Royale, it lets me see that all men have their armor on, even though it was paraphrased in the movie to one man, I feel it is generally spread out to the rest of us men. Do we really need to put on that armor that covers us? Or do I choose instead of let someone else cover me? Someone who's infallible to cover me up when I'm cold, tired, lonely and hungry and needing a break in life.

I checked out some personality tests just out of curiousity and instead of enlightenment - of which I didn't expect to find any - I end up more confused. How the hell does someone have an almost equal balance of all types. It would have been so much easier to have one primary and one secondary temperament. But no, I've got to get it all balanced. Well almost, other than a main Sanguine element which, by far isn't really very much, the rest are neck and neck. Maybe that's why I feel so confused with my own behaviour for the last 10 years. But I do know, sometimes, fear keeps my heart in check when I should be just going out there and just doing it.

I hate fear, fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of everything that could happen, a la Murphy's Law. That's why I need someone to cover me when I'm afraid. Deep inside all men, we are children wanting to be rescued. More so for those who didn't grow up with a strong parental atmosphere. I don't know if I'll make a good dad one day. But I guess I'll learn as it comes along. One thing though, I'll do my best to make sure family comes first, even if it is hard and maybe I'll fall and fail sometimes, I'll still choose to believe that grace is more than enough to cover me and my family.

Maybe that's why there's the bible, maybe that's why we're all innately interested about spirituality at the end of the road and day. Because we can't answer all of life's questions through intellect. That maybe somewhere, somehow, there lies an unanswered question of "what ifs" at the steps of death's door.

Belief.

To take away my own duality and look on someone's divinity.

If anyone gets a chance to listen to Jars of Clay - Good Monsters Album, check out the tracks "Light gives heat" and "Water flows under the bridge". It's good stuff.