Heart

Every heart sings a song or tells a story, or both. Whether it be sorrow or laughter, tears or joy, every heart is created with a song to sing and a story to tell. Stories, lore and even urban legends are carried over throughout generations by word of mouth. And even though today we live in a world proliferated with mass media, nothing is more precious than the news brought via word of mouth, especially when the bearer of the news is sincere.

As tales get passed on, extra details are added, little embellishments, perhaps the evil monster / villain gets more evil in every passing telling. Maybe the big bad wolf was actually just a puppy dog. Or the seven dwarves, seven dudes with rickets and deformed legs. Who really knows? Or someone who charged through the hordes of the enemy to look for a fallen comrade. Mayhaps the missing detail was that the so-called hordes were actually in retreat.

I believe that everyone has something to say - but as time passes and we age - that urge or longing gets fainter and fainter the longer we ignore it. I guess it comes down to the test of - would I regret it later on if I look back and wished I did something?

The funny thing about a heart is that it's amazing. I don't profess to say God is non existent because creation itself says he is. As much as I have struggles with my own faith, or lack of, I cannot doubt that God exists and is real. Yet many things which I've been taught when I was younger, just makes me wonder how people can easily turn young willing minds to their own ends. The intention was good, yes, but the method, definitely no. It is amazing what somethings can do to a child in childhood if their parents do not teach them correctly.

I guess to solve some of my problems, I need to travel back into my memories and try to piece together the fragments. Every heart has its own story to tell, and this is mine.

Things I Miss

The world where I am at is asleep. But I can't sleep. Not a blink. My mind is too full of worries and concerns. I can't seem to quieten them. I wonder if I've made the right decisions. Probably not. Still, I don't know if it's too late to change it.

Things you miss out on when growing up, stays hidden, and develops into a yearning as you get older in life. True? I'm not sure. But it feels like that to me. I've mostly been a loner through life - not by choice. I guess coming from a country where material wealth is the yardstick whereby one is judged, it's not easy when people switch friends just for the "connections" and networks. It isn't friendship anymore, just something formed out "of convenience".

I always wanted to go to Japan, spend some time there, soak in the culture. In asia, japanese culture was prevalent during the time I was growing up. Now that I've been in Europe for 10 years, I want to see the places I've never seen, and experience things I always dreamt of.

But it seems so far to me. Still so far away. And I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to reach out and grab it. What is life about anyway? We live and we die. Our lifespan isn't even long enough to do anything of worth when you look at the scope when earth existed, or even the evolutionary timeframe, if you're into evolution.

Does God exist? I guess so. Is he real? It's probably easier to say yes than no. Does he really care? Frankly, I don't think so. Because I've been stuck in this pit for the last 10 years or more.

Parents who make decisions for their children without any discussion, or by just ordering them to do it, makes a crap life for their children. I should know. I've been through it, all the false expectations and hopes, the "do this do that" because it's good for you. And where has that left me?

Imprisoned in a tiny room in Europe. The paradox of it is that I might be free to do anything I want, yet I'm not really free. Because I've still yet to find a direction to move to. No chance to even "find myself" or what I want in life. Just reacting to what people want me to do.

Either you mentally decide to avoid conflict and coast through it, or go against it. It's not easy either way. Coming from an autocratic country - which is a major pain in the ass - and everything in it is organized autocratically and micromanaged, dissent isn't really given much of a chance, even if it is constructive criticism.

But I guess deep down, I want to live in an urban city, where it never sleeps. Where I can walk along the darkened walkways, hear the hum of traffic, the raucous voices of people walking by, and be at ease. I miss that. Living in this shithole of a village is pure HELL.

Can't swear because you're brought up to be nice? I really think there's nothing wrong with cussing anymore. There's no point in being nice, because only nice guys finish last. The painful truth. Why should I help others when the only one that should be helped is myself? Being mean never hurt anyone, least of all the mean person.

I just want to go to Japan and stay there for a couple of years. I hate this place and I hate life.

And where does God fit into all this? I don't really know. He doesn't really show up much to say anything. He's just plain silent. Like he doesn't exist no more.

Fishing

I remember hearing a saying that goes something like this "He who wants to build a mountain, starts with the first stone", or "He who wants to remove a mountain starts with the first stone". In any case, whether building or removing, the starting is key.

There's no talk of thinking the mountain away, or worrying the mountain away. Just starting to do something, to move the mountain away. Thinking and worrying just keep me static. Doing is at least something. But focussed doing, a concentrated effort where it will be of most benefit is probably best.

I can't dictate the circumstances that surround me or what I'll face in life. I can't control the mountains that suddenly pop up in front of my face and sneer at my inability to do anything.

I don't really believe in saying a little prayer and that the mountain will just disappear. Sure, many people will say just pray and God will take it away. But what if it's there for a purpose, as most things are?

Taking the mountain away sure seems like the easy way out. It's all subjective, of course. Subjective in that everything is relative to how one sees it.

I've started out in church at a young age, and sad to say, where I was messed me up real good on the inside. But I'm past that point of frustration and bitterness right now and I just want to move on. I do believe that God does miracles, it's just that if everything was done with a snap of a finger, sometimes, I guess we learn nothing that'll carry us through later on.

Another memorable quote - give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.

Maybe this is where I'm learning how to fish. Maybe I should have been taught how to fish earlier on. You know, maybe that's all irrelevant. Now is the only important time that matters, not the past, not the if only's what if's and regrets.

Maybe I should just go check on my line and cast new lines out in the hope of actually having a catch.