When in doubt......
I just got back from a visit to the film school. I've always dreaded facing certain things ever since I was a child. From school results - bad memories there - to telling girls that I liked them - even more bad memories, or even how much a meal at a good restaurant was going to cost. You see, my reasoning is that food that good should not be priced that high. It's a crime. Depriving people of good food.
Anyhow, I was dreading how much the film school would cost me, accommodation, food, all included. I did my numbers, and came up with the provisional grand total of 45000 euros. Yes 45000 euros. For 10 months of film school. It's not a small sum, by any amount. Almost exorbitant. Where does the money go to? I wish I knew. The point is. I don't know where the money goes. But I do know I want to study filmmaking and go out there and make my own films.
I have many interests. Fashion, Art, Music, Business. But I realize that I am not so good in anyone of these to fully specialize in them. I can't sew, paint, compose, or start a business to save my life. That much I do know. But I do know that film composes all of these. One does not need to know the full depth of the specific school. One just needs to know how to appreciate it and apply it creatively to one's work. The key is in the application.
This estimation of 45000 euros was much higher than my previous estimation of 30000 euros. Thank you London, and thank you British Pound. I have no clue why London and the UK is so expensive, and to be honest, neither do many other people around the world. You don't get enough bang for your buck, in my opinion. Unfortunately, the school is based in London, so to London I must go.
You know how it is like, the fear grips your stomach. A clammy fist that won't let go. A voice goes in your head repeating that you won't be able to pay the amount. You won't be able to get a job in the industry after the school so the money is in effect, wasted. Thrown into the drain and flushed away never to be seen. Point of fact is, I'm currently in a job I do not enjoy. My personal and family life has suffered because of this and I want a way out. The good part of this job is that I've realized I don't want a basic 9 to 5 job. I want a job where I can be creative, and free to express myself. I want to be independent. So the choices are either to go to another job like the one I'm currently in, or break the rules and do something radical to most rational people.
I understand the consequences of failure very well. It's not pretty. I have a marriage I have to keep together, children I'd want to have in the near future, a bright future that might be messed up if I take the wrong step. Nevertheless I have to go on. To believe that somehow, deep down that the God of the impossible is really the God of the impossible. They say it's easy to take a step of faith. To trust God in the impossible. They say just have faith in God. It's easy when you aren't the one who's taking the leap.
Psalms 5:11-12 states -
But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You;
Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them;
Let those also who love Your name
Be joyful in You.
For You, O LORD, will bless the righteous;
With favor You will surround him as with a shield.
Past events in my life have made it hard for me to trust God to avoid being disappointed. I'm scared to be hurt again once more by expecting too much, maybe. Note that I'm not blaming God. I believe that good and great things will happen to me. But like with all humans, I get impatient, and sometimes, that leads to disillusionment, disappointment, bitterness, regret, and then walking away from it all.
Deep down, I realize now I wasn't ready to take on so much responsiblity, so much pressure. The master shaper has to shape us to be ready first. There's no point being thrown into the fire only to burn up from being unprepared.
Make no mistake. I'm want to go for film school 100%. And choosing to trust Him every step of the way for the money. Even though I feel like throwing up with fear that I won't make it, I have to take the courage to overcome it. Children's songs are sometimes best. One that was sung when I was small which I still remember to this day. There's a second stanza but I can't remember it.
1st Stanza :
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him below
They are weak but He is strong
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so
Ok, it's getting late. I have to go sleep now.
PS - Happy birthday Leif-Arne from me! Have a good birthday even though you're on the North Sea working away. ^^
Anyhow, I was dreading how much the film school would cost me, accommodation, food, all included. I did my numbers, and came up with the provisional grand total of 45000 euros. Yes 45000 euros. For 10 months of film school. It's not a small sum, by any amount. Almost exorbitant. Where does the money go to? I wish I knew. The point is. I don't know where the money goes. But I do know I want to study filmmaking and go out there and make my own films.
I have many interests. Fashion, Art, Music, Business. But I realize that I am not so good in anyone of these to fully specialize in them. I can't sew, paint, compose, or start a business to save my life. That much I do know. But I do know that film composes all of these. One does not need to know the full depth of the specific school. One just needs to know how to appreciate it and apply it creatively to one's work. The key is in the application.
This estimation of 45000 euros was much higher than my previous estimation of 30000 euros. Thank you London, and thank you British Pound. I have no clue why London and the UK is so expensive, and to be honest, neither do many other people around the world. You don't get enough bang for your buck, in my opinion. Unfortunately, the school is based in London, so to London I must go.
You know how it is like, the fear grips your stomach. A clammy fist that won't let go. A voice goes in your head repeating that you won't be able to pay the amount. You won't be able to get a job in the industry after the school so the money is in effect, wasted. Thrown into the drain and flushed away never to be seen. Point of fact is, I'm currently in a job I do not enjoy. My personal and family life has suffered because of this and I want a way out. The good part of this job is that I've realized I don't want a basic 9 to 5 job. I want a job where I can be creative, and free to express myself. I want to be independent. So the choices are either to go to another job like the one I'm currently in, or break the rules and do something radical to most rational people.
I understand the consequences of failure very well. It's not pretty. I have a marriage I have to keep together, children I'd want to have in the near future, a bright future that might be messed up if I take the wrong step. Nevertheless I have to go on. To believe that somehow, deep down that the God of the impossible is really the God of the impossible. They say it's easy to take a step of faith. To trust God in the impossible. They say just have faith in God. It's easy when you aren't the one who's taking the leap.
Psalms 5:11-12 states -
But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You;
Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them;
Let those also who love Your name
Be joyful in You.
For You, O LORD, will bless the righteous;
With favor You will surround him as with a shield.
Past events in my life have made it hard for me to trust God to avoid being disappointed. I'm scared to be hurt again once more by expecting too much, maybe. Note that I'm not blaming God. I believe that good and great things will happen to me. But like with all humans, I get impatient, and sometimes, that leads to disillusionment, disappointment, bitterness, regret, and then walking away from it all.
Deep down, I realize now I wasn't ready to take on so much responsiblity, so much pressure. The master shaper has to shape us to be ready first. There's no point being thrown into the fire only to burn up from being unprepared.
Make no mistake. I'm want to go for film school 100%. And choosing to trust Him every step of the way for the money. Even though I feel like throwing up with fear that I won't make it, I have to take the courage to overcome it. Children's songs are sometimes best. One that was sung when I was small which I still remember to this day. There's a second stanza but I can't remember it.
1st Stanza :
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him below
They are weak but He is strong
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so
Ok, it's getting late. I have to go sleep now.
PS - Happy birthday Leif-Arne from me! Have a good birthday even though you're on the North Sea working away. ^^
posted by Dippers at 11:51 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home