Voices in my Head

The closer I get to finishing editing my film for the deadline, the louder the voices get. Dissuading me, causing me to doubt and worry. Thing is, the way it's gone, I've come too far now to back off what I have to do.

Although the next step has the potential to stop the entire project on its tracks.

I'm scared, but I have to press on in the hope that what's leading me on inside isn't something I've made up to be a figment of my imagination but the truth.

When I was in school, they would print this verse in every magazine.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

I never understood it until recently. And even now, I struggle alot in my mind to be peaceful and not worry. But looking at this verse, if what's placed in my heart is there, then I shouldn't worry and just do what I can.

What I can't, well, that's His job.

Fear and Love

The worst nightmares for me entails not being able to breathe properly, knowing that I'm in a cold sweat, lying on my bed. Half asleep yet half awake unable to move, at the mercy at that which holds me paralysed. In fear.

As I take my steps through life, that fear again tries to overpower me, whispering its little voice in my ear, accusing me of being unable to finish my assignments on time, unable to fulfill my heart's desire.

Perfect love casts out all fear. And the only way I know how is to focus away from that fear and onto that love that holds me near.

Sun Tzu, he says....

Sun Tzu always talked alot about organization. I'm no art of war fan since most it seems to be common logical sense, but humans being illogical beings at best, probably needed it.

Anyhow, he was talking about the virtues of organization and knowing about oneself. It's kind of hard to know oneself until you go through the shit that is life in most cases. And then, only then do you have a slight chance of actually learning something, if you open your eyes wide and are humble enough to accept your faults.

Sometimes it's not fun, nor easy, but I guess that's life. Something to do and improve every step of the way. I've slowly come to realize that gradual improvement day by day works much better and lasts longer than a one-shot quick fix wonder.

My room, like some parts of my life, is a mess. Abysmal? No, not yet. But it's getting there and I'll have to fix it up real quick. It's amazing how fast you can outgrow your current accommodation or areas in your life and are in need of expansion. Growth is good. Change is good. A challenge to improve oneself is always good. There's no fear in change, because it's all good. I've just got to stay the course until it's seen through.

More than organization, I figure there's only so much I can do before I let go and let grace take over.

In the Beginning...

it takes a damn long time to actually get started. Being lethargic in the beginning phases of any project is one of my strong suits and oh how I hate it with a vengeance. I swear, sometimes, hell would have cooled over before I even get started on anything. But once started, then it chugs along fine.

Until the first obstacle. Then I ask myself the same age-old question.

Why didn't I start on this earlier and saved myself some precious time?

Time, being the commodity that I tend to underrate and yet so important. I guess lots of people do that as well, but the impact of the significance of others tends to pale in comparison in how it affects me. Self-centered, self-conscious? Maybe. Probably with a higher sense of self-preservation in such cases.

Installing something that has a size of 55 gigs onto a laptop which holds around 70 gigs spare space outside of the OS and other essential software is a painful task. I totally underestimated how little space my laptop had - 23 gigs - which meant that a huge, HUGE spring cleaning was in order.

To that I say - thank God for flash drives.

Hopefully, I'll see the end soon enough.

Fear

I'm afraid. That's why I don't like going to bed too early. In case I might miss something. I'm afraid for almost every positive, there's sure to be some negative creeping about in my mind. I can't sleep because the fear eats me out from within. Telling me in its little voice that I'll never be what I want to be before I grow old.

I hate living in fear of the unknown. Fear of the future, whether be it one second or one year. Fear of not knowing what the next action will bring. I wish I could shut my brain down - thinking - for a moment to enjoy peaceful serene bliss.

Peace in my mind. It's what I'm seriously longing for. Against all the naysayers my own mind has put up against me. I am my own worst enemy, paralytic to the core. I want to move, but my body disobeys me. My heart fails for fear has gripped it tight. To live like that, beyond a nightmare in existence.

There will always be challenges. I just didn't expect it to be this hard sometimes.
We face our own fights, and fight them we must. I picked my road to walk. It's a strange road. Life is a journey, they all say. Maybe no one has walked mine yet. I've got to walk it myself. I can't walk the journey for someone else. Only they can do it. My path is special as is theirs.

And though I fear, walk I must.

The Next Step

I've finished up my studies in London, and though I'm kind of feeling wierd in saying it, I'll miss London. After 5 years, I finally get the chance to live in a lively, big city again. I'm used to large cities. I can't live in a small town. I need the hustle and bustle a large city provides, along with its list of amenities, although London definitely needs lots of work on some aspects. Nonetheless, having some *proper* chinese food was great.

So what's the next step? Get a job, I guess. It's not an easy prospect, nor is it an impossible one. It's just a mentally daunting one where I'm afraid. What exactly I'm afraid of, I guess it's just preparing in my mind to see all those rejection letters piling up. But as friends have told me, I've got to keep trying and that those letters are in no way a reflection of my ability. They just have got no vacancies is all the situation is.

In a strange land, I am. I've got to stop talking like Yoda, cute and wierd as he might be, but a muppet he still is.

The time during the course has been very good to me, and I've felt like I've come out of a huge valley with a lot of knowledge. And after a month of rest and relaxation, it's time to enter another valley. This time of work, of getting work. But at least one thing's for certain, I've finally found what I want to do and I'll put my hands to it and do it well.

God is faithful, God is good. He holds my hand though I fear, he holds my hand.