The Merest of Coincidences

I was recently talking to a friend, K, who tells me that her take on life is nothing but a coincidence. Of fate, and that we are all god's playthings. Being a christian, the first instinct I had was to try and convince her otherwise. That God is real, that he's not a make-believe entity. That somehow, we shouldn't blame him for the bad.

Then it kicked into me. Why should I tell her that? Haven't I been blaming God for my own problems? Sure, I have no clue when my job will arrive, but I still have to look for one. I blame God that sometimes I think that I'm the one in the unfair situation, and sit in a corner and whine away. While everyone seems to have the good jobs, or luck coming their way, I seem to be just stuck in a hole again, unable to climb out.

So what gives? Deep down I do believe that God is real. My heart of hearts knows this to be true. Yet when it comes to saying that my answer is coming, that it will arrive soon, my heart is scared to believe anymore. It's afraid to trust because I'm not sure that it can handle one more heartbreak. Sort of like becoming jaded with failed relationships, I know that God is real, but my heart in itself is jaded.

How do I know that the bible works? Truthful answer, I don't. I wish it would be so easy to believe that God is real in good times and in bad, but in the bad times, it is hard. It is so easy to blame and not to keep trusting, beliving and hoping till the promise comes. The waiting is the worst period. Oh, if I could only do away with it.

Surely something good will come after all this waiting. I wish I knew and could say for certain. Those who know the heart of God will say, of course something good will happen. Of course those people are not me. If God's with me, surely there must be something to help me out here.

I don't really know what to do to overcome this, because I can't. Lost, stuck in a rut and wallowing in depression is all I am right now. For those that easily say, do something! I'd reply - what?

What can I do? Many things, but somehow, not many people want to employ me for those many things I believe I can do. Thus is my heart burdened and hardened. I want to have a family, to have kids, to have a home, to stop paying rent. To have a happy life. Sometimes I wonder if that's too much to be asking.

So is God the author of coincidence? I wish so. I really do. Because right now, maybe that's the only thing standing between me, and utter despair.

I look back at Film school, and realize, everything was almost miraculously done. But after that, my peers have started getting work, and all I have to show for it almost 3 months later, is........... nothing. That's right, nothing. No work, no offers, nothing. Applications sent out and unreplied to.

A heart can only take so much before it just breaks. Belief, hope and trust can only go so long before it turns to cynicism and despair.

"Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request."
1 Chronicles 4:10

Will God grant my request? Will there be that coincidence, no matter how small, that my life will actually be for something here? I wish I knew.

I just know I can't wait much longer.