Things I Miss

The world where I am at is asleep. But I can't sleep. Not a blink. My mind is too full of worries and concerns. I can't seem to quieten them. I wonder if I've made the right decisions. Probably not. Still, I don't know if it's too late to change it.

Things you miss out on when growing up, stays hidden, and develops into a yearning as you get older in life. True? I'm not sure. But it feels like that to me. I've mostly been a loner through life - not by choice. I guess coming from a country where material wealth is the yardstick whereby one is judged, it's not easy when people switch friends just for the "connections" and networks. It isn't friendship anymore, just something formed out "of convenience".

I always wanted to go to Japan, spend some time there, soak in the culture. In asia, japanese culture was prevalent during the time I was growing up. Now that I've been in Europe for 10 years, I want to see the places I've never seen, and experience things I always dreamt of.

But it seems so far to me. Still so far away. And I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to reach out and grab it. What is life about anyway? We live and we die. Our lifespan isn't even long enough to do anything of worth when you look at the scope when earth existed, or even the evolutionary timeframe, if you're into evolution.

Does God exist? I guess so. Is he real? It's probably easier to say yes than no. Does he really care? Frankly, I don't think so. Because I've been stuck in this pit for the last 10 years or more.

Parents who make decisions for their children without any discussion, or by just ordering them to do it, makes a crap life for their children. I should know. I've been through it, all the false expectations and hopes, the "do this do that" because it's good for you. And where has that left me?

Imprisoned in a tiny room in Europe. The paradox of it is that I might be free to do anything I want, yet I'm not really free. Because I've still yet to find a direction to move to. No chance to even "find myself" or what I want in life. Just reacting to what people want me to do.

Either you mentally decide to avoid conflict and coast through it, or go against it. It's not easy either way. Coming from an autocratic country - which is a major pain in the ass - and everything in it is organized autocratically and micromanaged, dissent isn't really given much of a chance, even if it is constructive criticism.

But I guess deep down, I want to live in an urban city, where it never sleeps. Where I can walk along the darkened walkways, hear the hum of traffic, the raucous voices of people walking by, and be at ease. I miss that. Living in this shithole of a village is pure HELL.

Can't swear because you're brought up to be nice? I really think there's nothing wrong with cussing anymore. There's no point in being nice, because only nice guys finish last. The painful truth. Why should I help others when the only one that should be helped is myself? Being mean never hurt anyone, least of all the mean person.

I just want to go to Japan and stay there for a couple of years. I hate this place and I hate life.

And where does God fit into all this? I don't really know. He doesn't really show up much to say anything. He's just plain silent. Like he doesn't exist no more.

My Loft

I'm staring out the skylight window of the loft my room is in right out into the open night sky. Nothing much else but darkness and a smattering of stars across the night sky stare back at me. I've always wanted to sleep and be in a loft-apartment ever since I experienced being in one during my university days in the UK.

It's got a strange feel to it. I dare say, maybe even a strange freedom to open the window up top, and gaze out not just at the surroundings, but the sky as well. I feel like I don't have a ceiling that constrains me, my dreams and goals, but that given the right time, right place and right situation, could go all the way up to outer space.

I guess loft apartments are for dreamers. And I love them.

Now that I'm house-hunting, I guess I'll make sure that the place definitely has on the top list - a great loft - so that I can just park myself and decorate my little cave with all the techno-gadgets till it's just right.

A flat-screen TV there, an Xbox 360 here, wifi hub around the corner, and various other doodads which fill up my life. But best of all, lying on my mattress at night, looking up at the starlit sky before falling off to blissful sleep.

The Voice

Sometimes we all struggle. Each with their own personal battles. For me, most times, it's the struggle to let the voice within out. For years, since my childhood it's been buried under social conformities, political correctness, and the fear of what others might think. There's also a smidgen of rejection, and total looks of horror of others when they hear what I would like to do.

We are all born to do something and each of us has a different road to walk. I can't walk your road, like you can't walk mine. We just have to let go and let each of us get on with it, and with life.

How to let the voice within out? I don't really know, except to honestly say that, just do what your gut leads you to. I've been really struggling what to actually write on this blog. Typical questions that run through my head are - how do I write? What do I write? Is this going to work? And who really cares or reads this blog anyway? Other than myself to rant away.

I guess that if I'm going to use it to rant and let off some steam then I should do it to benefit the person that's most affected - ie. me. So sometimes is the struggle to be an individual after being consigned to the populist-and-not-by-choice decision that going for practical jobs means giving up what you really wanted to do.

That you can't spend some quality time looking for that something that energizes you when you open your eyes from sleep. Other than the usual drag-the-body routine to work. And hating every minute of it.

No, I think it's best to let the voice speak. It's the only way I can get peace of mind.

Anyh