Destiny?

The next 48 hours will probably be a very interesting time for me. Scared to face it, maybe, but going nonetheless. I figure it's a no-lose situation. Whatever people have done, I guess it's already been done.

Flying back to London to screen the film I made in school as my final project, I have no idea what to expect.

I guess then, that I better focus on the positive and not think about the negative because so often we build up the giants in our mind when the giants are nothing but figments of our imagination. We are able to make them disappear with but a thought, but that thought that we should dispel, instead takes us captive and we are subservient to it.

So I will go and face whatever outcome there is up front. There are some battles that we all go through. Everyone faces different fights in life. Maybe I won't face yours today, but tomorrow I will and vice-versa.

So, to London then, and hopefully, destiny will beckon somehow, if only for the next step. And I will be more than content.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Oft-quoted, but never really taken to heart.

The Merest of Coincidences

I was recently talking to a friend, K, who tells me that her take on life is nothing but a coincidence. Of fate, and that we are all god's playthings. Being a christian, the first instinct I had was to try and convince her otherwise. That God is real, that he's not a make-believe entity. That somehow, we shouldn't blame him for the bad.

Then it kicked into me. Why should I tell her that? Haven't I been blaming God for my own problems? Sure, I have no clue when my job will arrive, but I still have to look for one. I blame God that sometimes I think that I'm the one in the unfair situation, and sit in a corner and whine away. While everyone seems to have the good jobs, or luck coming their way, I seem to be just stuck in a hole again, unable to climb out.

So what gives? Deep down I do believe that God is real. My heart of hearts knows this to be true. Yet when it comes to saying that my answer is coming, that it will arrive soon, my heart is scared to believe anymore. It's afraid to trust because I'm not sure that it can handle one more heartbreak. Sort of like becoming jaded with failed relationships, I know that God is real, but my heart in itself is jaded.

How do I know that the bible works? Truthful answer, I don't. I wish it would be so easy to believe that God is real in good times and in bad, but in the bad times, it is hard. It is so easy to blame and not to keep trusting, beliving and hoping till the promise comes. The waiting is the worst period. Oh, if I could only do away with it.

Surely something good will come after all this waiting. I wish I knew and could say for certain. Those who know the heart of God will say, of course something good will happen. Of course those people are not me. If God's with me, surely there must be something to help me out here.

I don't really know what to do to overcome this, because I can't. Lost, stuck in a rut and wallowing in depression is all I am right now. For those that easily say, do something! I'd reply - what?

What can I do? Many things, but somehow, not many people want to employ me for those many things I believe I can do. Thus is my heart burdened and hardened. I want to have a family, to have kids, to have a home, to stop paying rent. To have a happy life. Sometimes I wonder if that's too much to be asking.

So is God the author of coincidence? I wish so. I really do. Because right now, maybe that's the only thing standing between me, and utter despair.

I look back at Film school, and realize, everything was almost miraculously done. But after that, my peers have started getting work, and all I have to show for it almost 3 months later, is........... nothing. That's right, nothing. No work, no offers, nothing. Applications sent out and unreplied to.

A heart can only take so much before it just breaks. Belief, hope and trust can only go so long before it turns to cynicism and despair.

"Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request."
1 Chronicles 4:10

Will God grant my request? Will there be that coincidence, no matter how small, that my life will actually be for something here? I wish I knew.

I just know I can't wait much longer.

Just One More Turn...

Everyone has their weaknesses. From chocolate, to cars, to whatever strikes their fancy. Me? The bane, or one of them, is that game called Civilization IV. Just one more turn is the phrase I often tell myself, even though I should already be in bed sleeping.

It's a non violent game, not like Doom, Half-life or assorted shoot-them-ups, or many of the other games one finds on store shelves nowadays. Yet it holds an attraction of building up one's civilization (hence the title), propagating and defending it from other civs one encounters along the way.

It's caused me sleepless nights sometimes, and frustration in others. But I still play it. And after I'm done, I get curious about historical figures, and go wikipedia them up. Guess it does work in helping me read up my history. :D

What's even more interesting for all the self-professed geeks out there is that zoom into a city on the world map and you hear music of the era that's very well reconstructed. Whether the ancient music is well reconstructed from the original I have no idea, but I find it enjoyable.

Now to just crush the Aztecs before I go to bed.....

The Open Door

When does one know if a door has been opened? I wish I knew. Life is so full of choices to some, and none to others. Maybe the door will only be revealed when I take that first step. Maybe never if I don't.

I guess everyone is afraid of what others might say, but I'll fall back on what I was told. If I like what I made, then I should be happy about it no matter what other people say. I guess we are our own worst critics. I know I sure am about myself. But who knows what might happen, or rather not happen if I don't choose to take that first step out into the world.

A friend of mine has recently fallen ill and has decided on refocus life's priorties. I think I myself, as with many others found it a bit of a shock when it was told to us. I didn't expect it, and probably neither did most of my friends.

Sometimes, I wish I would do that to my life. To refocus and see what's important in life and what's not really that important. Virtuality is not as significant as we often think it is. A veritable list of 0s and 1s are what many of us fight over. All can be gone at a single click of a button.

Maybe the only way to go past the doorway that beckons to us, is to be willing, ready and able to leave the past behind, to make a decision that it will no longer hold us back and down from our dreams.

Within the Shell

Sometimes when I do something, I do it with an idea, or concept in mind.

The fear is in what others will think of it once I'm completed with it.

But I just realized something. Something that's struck me deep inside and made me think.

A famous phrase was Martin Luther King's "I have a dream".

I think everyone has dreams. At least I know I do.

But once I've gone on this road, I realize, the only way to not be afraid is just to get out there and come out of my shell.

They say there's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's not much meaning in that line except that fear stops me and probably many other people in their tracks.

If I'm brave enough to take the first step, technically I ought to be brave enough to take the other 10000 steps till the end of the race.

Technically never really holds true.

I realize that if I want to stand for something, I have to be brave enough to face whatever criticism may fly my way, deserved or undeserved. Sometimes taking a stand will mean some amount of pain.

But if I'm not brave enough to do that, then I'm really not ready to take on whatever dream I have inside me.

Fishing

I remember hearing a saying that goes something like this "He who wants to build a mountain, starts with the first stone", or "He who wants to remove a mountain starts with the first stone". In any case, whether building or removing, the starting is key.

There's no talk of thinking the mountain away, or worrying the mountain away. Just starting to do something, to move the mountain away. Thinking and worrying just keep me static. Doing is at least something. But focussed doing, a concentrated effort where it will be of most benefit is probably best.

I can't dictate the circumstances that surround me or what I'll face in life. I can't control the mountains that suddenly pop up in front of my face and sneer at my inability to do anything.

I don't really believe in saying a little prayer and that the mountain will just disappear. Sure, many people will say just pray and God will take it away. But what if it's there for a purpose, as most things are?

Taking the mountain away sure seems like the easy way out. It's all subjective, of course. Subjective in that everything is relative to how one sees it.

I've started out in church at a young age, and sad to say, where I was messed me up real good on the inside. But I'm past that point of frustration and bitterness right now and I just want to move on. I do believe that God does miracles, it's just that if everything was done with a snap of a finger, sometimes, I guess we learn nothing that'll carry us through later on.

Another memorable quote - give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.

Maybe this is where I'm learning how to fish. Maybe I should have been taught how to fish earlier on. You know, maybe that's all irrelevant. Now is the only important time that matters, not the past, not the if only's what if's and regrets.

Maybe I should just go check on my line and cast new lines out in the hope of actually having a catch.

My Hands

The point of no return.

No idea when I'd hit that stage. I guess not many people do either. I've taken stock of what I've done so far and it kind of amounts to - nada zip zilch. Intrinsic to every person, I believe is a desire to want to be counted for something by someone, whether be it significant, or not so significant. But something, nonetheless. Be it a kind word, encouragement, perhaps a foundation for someone's future.

I don't know but I'm looking at myself at the moment. And what do I see?

Not much. No, not much at all. Strange that I used to be forced into a structured life, and hating it. And now into a formless life, and not really enjoying it. Difficult? Maybe. Crazy? Probably. I don't know. I guess once anyone hits a point and looks into their hands and wonders "What can I do? I don't have anything much to offer" it kinds of spirals into self doubt and despair.

I'm not one for instant miracles, to tell the truth. Sometimes you hope, and you wonder, and then you doubt and then you forget. Like the passing of time. Ashes.

Still, miracles are often written down so that we do not forget.

What's a miracle? Something amazing? Out of this world? Or just something simple, that brings a smile to your everyday life? I've no clue. I guess the definition of the word is subject to your circumstance.

So, looking at my hands. What do I have. 2 hands, 10 fingers, and I must develop the will to choose to apply them to my situation. Something sorely lacking.

I hated structure, and loved the unpredictability of life. Now I find that I need to return to that structure within the whirlwind that is life before I can be unpredictable.

They always said in film school, learn the rules and know them, then you'll know how to break them. Seems like I always wanted to get ahead of myself and break them without knowing them.

Basic fundamentals.

I'm probably rambling, but that's ok since this is my blog and I write for my peace of mind and not anyone elses'.

I've got 2 hands, and some knowledge. I have some projects I'm working on. I don't know if they'll bear fruit in the future and provide a return, but then again, if I don't try, I really won't know.

Waiting

I'm waiting. I don't really know what I'm waiting for, but I'm waiting nonetheless. Maybe I do know what I'm waiting for. Maybe I'm hoping that the wait will end. Once the wait ends, the work begins, and so therefore I should treasure this time that I'm currently free and able to do what I want to, and what I desire to.

But what if the thing for which I'm waiting for is also that which my heart desires for?

Then waiting becomes a chore, a long slow torture of the soul. Eager anticipation is no longer awaited at every morning. Rather, I drag through the nights, choosing to avoid the mornings, because I don't want to be disappointed by the coming of a new day where no answers seem to come, and I am forever waiting in the night.

People say not to worry, that it will come. Sometimes, I wonder. It is so easy to say things when they aren't in the middle of the situation. Sometimes, it's the worst when someone who's never been there who tries to be understanding. How can one bereft of such painful experience actually even understand in the first place?

It's like asking a lion to decide to be vegetarian, or worse still, a frenchman to abhor france altogether.

The endless adage - is my glass half empty or half full, or frankly, totally empty?

I wish I knew.

Cold Tea

Tea and heat. Warms the body, warms the soul. Most importantly, warms the tummy up from the inside on a cold cold day. I must admit I was never really into tea that much as a child, having only seen the offerings of basic english breakfast tea with milk and nothing much else.

Strange then that I'm taking some cold tea. It's been sitting here at my desk for hours and I've been slowly sipping away at it. It doesn't matter that it's cold so much so how I keep on sipping it, not bothering to make myself a cup of nice, new, warm tea.

I guess I should stop accepting substandard expectations of my own life and get my butt up and work on improving it. Where to start? Probably with what I have and what I can do now.

Dreams are only dreams if one doesn't know how to get to them.

Now back to my cold tea.

Actually Doing Something

When I think back about it, it's amazing - not used in a good context here - how fear actually developed in my psyche from a young age. Of course, for this I place the blame totally on the Singaporean government for promoting meritocracy.

Meritocracy, as found on the internet merriam-webster dictionary is defined as :-

1 : a system in which the talented are chosen and moved ahead on the basis of their achievement

2 : leadership selected on the basis of intellectual criteria

There's nothing bad about meritocracy inherently. It was just the botched execution of a good sounding idea that messed me up. To rank students and schools in almost every aspect just smacks to me of eliticism. To be able to claim that 'oh, I was 15th in my school year' - is that really important? To suddenly see a friend as not a friend but a fellow competitor that you have to overcome. That is the harsh reality of what it turned out to be. I could no longer trust the people I went to school with because someday, as it turned out to be, they would stab me in the back.

Anyway, digressing off the point. Fear.

Due to the pressure placed upon students to perform well, we had to take our papers back to our parents for them to be signed. If we did well, nice and good. If we didn't that's where the problems started. I vividly remembered asking my friends so many times to check my results for me because I was afraid of getting scolded and beaten back home. Verbally demeaned and lowered to nothing more than a disgrace to the family or worse.

And now, many years on, in looking back, I realized my fear of moving ahead has stemmed from that single root. Everytime I've wanted to move ahead, or try something new, or ask for something, I've almost immediately assumed rejection or a negative answer. Such to the extent that I almost never did anything I wanted in my heart to do. It didn't fit with the *plan*. It wasn't the path the country prescribed that we should follow.

Everything was psychological, not physical. But, recently I've come to realize. Screw fear. Just do it, deal with the perceived fear *problem* later. If it even comes at all. Most times, there are more ways to a solution than I expect or see. Most times, I'm probably fixated on one particular solution which I think is good, but God has something much much better if I would get my eyes actually off my perspective of a solution. So what if I get a negative, something will turn up that's much better as long as I not worry, look, ask and trust that it will come.
No is never the end of the world. It's just the path to something better ahead.

If the only way I can encourage myself is to keep writing then that's what I'll do.

I remember going to my computer afraid and clicked on my facebook account and saw this verse pop up. It shot straight to my heart, more than medicine could ever do.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.