Final Preparations

Well, tomorrow's the flight. Been busy yesterday and today with packing and sorting everything that's needed for home. In a sense, many things will be sorted this trip back, and they're all good.

Every new beginning needs some closure from the past. I hope that I can take some nice pictures from home to put on the blog, but it would mean me getting a new camera as I somehow "Misplaced" my software CD for my HP digicam. This means that I most probably cannot transfer my pics onto my home pc for transfer to the blog. :(

I got a present for my dad today after pigging out on the bed for 13 hours. Yeah, that much backlog of work I had to sort out with not much sleep inbetween the days. Of course it helps that I'm using wifey's teddy bear as a pillow. In fact, I believe that teddy bear is better as a pillow than most conventional pillows with his nice fur that really insulates against the cold. I wonder how everyone feels, to take a new step into the relative unknown. It must seem like walking on clouds. Maybe the next step would mean falling through back to ground zero, maybe the next step means walking on a little further to the dream.

Ok, if there's no post tomorrow, it means I'm happily on my way to Frankfurt airport - Deutsche Bahn have decided not to go on strike tomorrow, but on Tuesday, which makes life easier for us to get to the airport. Next post is scheduled when I've gotten home and freshened up and speaking of which, I better get a list of important passwords to bring along otherwise I'm a goner since I won't be able to log into anything. Being the blur sotong that I am, that's modus operandi number one.

Trois! Trois! Trois!

Everything went well today. The last meeting in Europe where I handed over my responsibilities. A little sad, melancholic, but it was good. I got to define myself in the company and left a good foundation behind for future growth. Of course whether they take advantage of that is another matter entirely. Still it's out of my hands now, and I've got my future to look forward to.

It's a sense of satisfaction when growth is consistently good, and I still don't know how it happened. Seriously speaking, I'm one of the blurrest - blurest - blur sotong - guys you will ever meet. So for this to happen, it's got to be God lol. Those who knew me since my school days would probably utter that. No problem by me on that account. ^^

Looking back 4 years ago - time flies, huh - I was so unsure of what my plan was, where to go, what to do, how to achieve anything, but now 4 years later, I realized it's only been for good. I got to learn how to buy beer and pork knuckles in german, got to love Munich, do business in Europe from scratch, penetrate key European markets, and learnt about different cultures. All in all, not too shabby.

Which leads me to..... 3 more days before I get home! I can't wait because I'm on the hunt for the newest Jars of Clay Album "Good Monsters". Why am I not buying it in Europe? Because it's an import here and in Asia it's at least 50% cheaper. Heh, I can't wait. If you're curious about their album, you can go here and take a listen to some tracks.

3 more days. Of course those 3 days will go quick and then when you step out the door of Changi Airport, you'll only want to keblakan puseng (do a 180 degree turn in Malay - it's a military marching command) and get back to Europe where the weather and especially the air, is less humid and cruel to the skin. Time to start packing my bags and buying gifts.

A New Tangent

Today was the day I sent out an email to all my customers stating that I would be stopping work at the end of the year. It was a sad moment and I was trying to drag it out as long as I could from sending this email. I guess I'm sad to leave the job despite all the problems I had associated with it from the beginning. It developed, challenged, shaped, and defined me to a certain extent, and in doing so, I too, left a part of myself behind. Through the good and the bad and the ugly and the fat, I've realized many things.

Change is good. I could not see myself staying in the same job and place for the rest of my life. That would be torture to do the same thing daily. Change is good. Change is a challenge, and I'm ready to meet it because change is the only impetus that will allow me to develop further as a person.

So with a click, I've ended up another chapter of my life. On one side, there was a part of me dying inside, yet at the same moment, a new hope sprung forth, almost like rebirth. Leaving the comfort zone and entering a new challenge for myself, my wife, my friends and my life.

It's going to be good.

PS - 4 more days! 4 more days till I get on the plane back home. And stupid DEUTSCHE BAHN employees decide to strike because they don't like privatization from tomorrow onwards. Not like I'd buy their stocks anyhow. The german railway system is absolutly a pile of steaming bollocks. Oh well, hope for the best now. *Fingers crossed* ^^

The Countdown Begins

5 more days. That's right. 5 more days before I board my SQ flight back home to Singapore for 3 weeks or so of holiday - actually it's lots of running around to various government offices to deal with paperwork, but I hope not too much running aronud - and 3 weeks of hopefully sunshine. 3 weeks of proper asian food and meeting up with friends.

I can't wait. 5 days. I'm counting them down now with my hand. It feels like ROD time in NS. Except that in NS, one begins his countdown the moment one enters. My friend taped a list of days on his locker and crossed out every day as it passed from the top down. It was his inspiration to survive the 2 and a half years in the army which I could fully understand. We were all part of the army of the unwilling, with a smattering of the blur sotongs (squid for all you non-singaporeans) - that's me, and the too siao-ons who were targets of blanket parties and urine bombs. The guy next to my bunk had tons of urine bombs on him one night since he was too "on" the wrong ball. Too bad he slept next to the window. Good thing I was warned in advance. ^^

But, the main thing is, 5 days to laksa, roti prata, soya bean curd, starbuck's green tea frap - man, I totally miss this one, bak chor mee, oyster omelette, chey tow kuey, char kway teow - no hum, I don't like the cholesterol factor in hum, and the list goes on and on. Despite being to Singapore for 4 times, wifey has already got her list for me to take her to. First stop - Sushi at Taka opposite the taxi stand. Sushi is so cheap back home compared to Europe it's a paradise for sushi lovers. Last year we were camped continually in sushi shops across the island. She also loves, like me, bak chor mee, and hokkien mee. MMMMmmmmmmmm.... Singapore food, you can't live without it.

If Singapore has an export product, it should be food.

Of Churches and Condoms

The service on Sunday was good. Me, being the perennial late riser, finds it a miracle if I'm in church attending the early morning service. This is probably because I'm spoilt silly by my church back home which allows us to choose from 4 services. Those people back home have no idea how it is like to go for church in the cold in winter with cold winds blowing through every part of your body.

The message was good, being about freely giving without compulsion or emotional blackmail from others. I rememeber my first church back home and their friendly "pressuring" on how we had to give above and beyond our means for their funds. If we could not, then we did not have enough faith. Of course it didn't matter that we were students at that time. At least I know better now, and avoid such places like the plague. Giving should always be freely and joyfully - not coerced out of you. I even managed to get a nice pic after church to add to my collection.


Yes, I'm pro-contraception. That and the concept is so cool. I mean, asparagus, who would have thought about the many uses of it. Now they can add another one to the list. Next thing, it'll be known as a sex aid, but I'll leave that to the people who have a fetish for vegetables and rubber to sort out.

I hope everyone has a great week! 6 more days till I reach back home and to proper asian food. Oh, I can't wait. Yummy yummy. I hope that my camera works back home because I don't know where I left my software lying about so I can't upload anything unless I buy a new camera which would really hurt. But wait, it's asia. Everything is 50% the price of Europe, so maybe I'll splurge after all.

Runaround Town

Today we were supposed to go for dinner at a place called the egg and chicken. Apparently their specialty are omelettes. Nothing bad, since I love egg based dishes, but I just have to watch out for too much of the yolk. I don't want excess cholesterol in my system if I can help it. So we took a little drive down and found the place without much effort. But horror of horrors! We were told that we would require a reservation, even though it was 6pm - not peak dinner time - and rather rudely as well.

The food might be good, but the attitude gave me an inclination not to bother about that place again in the near future. There's this one thing about germans. The service industry is not their forte - most I've seen are absolutely horrible. There are the exceptions, but well, most are the cold, I'm here to serve and then go home before I get arrow'ed to do some more work. Much like the time I had in the army.

So we took a drive to try out another restaurant which is locaed in a 13th century building. I thought a little history would do me good. Maybe they would have had some dishes done authentically from that time period. One should always try to get a taste of history if possible. When we got there >_< a deja vu of sorts met us. A reservation would have done us no good. The restaurant had gone kaputt. Sigh.

Finally we settled for the local italian down our street which we hadn't been for a long time. The food is good there, especially the pasta, but I think we both wanted a little change, hence the trip to try out new things. I got myself a plate of pasta with swordfish. The pic would have been here but being the hungry starving guy I was, the stomach came first, the camera was not even given a second chance. Next time, I promise, I'll take a proper pic of the dish before I wolf it all down. At least I got a picture of wifey here with her cute hat. ^^

On the film school front, I checked out my application with them, and it seems to have gotten through. The problem that kept it stuck was with the ö "umlaut". Those signs messed up my application into something wierd. It's like reading chinese without the correct codex. Anyhow, the problem is now solved. Just a few more little technicalities to solve, like acommodation in London, and the visa and I'll be set. In the words of the American Pie series, "Here's to the next step!". Better late than never, I say.

Night Lights

I finally did it. I sent my application to the film school along with the required deposit. Now I'm crossing my fingers that the application will be approved so I can continue with the rest of the documentation. Namely, visa application and looking for accommodation.

By clicking that "submit" button I'm actually hitting the point of no return. I'm now strapped onto a one-way rocket onto a journey where I have no idea on how the ending will be like. Obviously I want a happiest of the happy endings, much like those games where a combination of decisions can allow you one of myriad endings, ala Resident Evil.

Feeling some trepidation of the future, I found this verse from this website.

'I lift my eyes up to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
the Maker of Heaven and Earth'

He will not let your foot slip-
he who watches over you will not slumber
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep
Psalm 121: 1-2

It's beautiful if you can close your eyes and imagine the scene. It is nighttime many thousands of years ago, the people are going to sleep in the cities, and we find the psalmist outside most probably on a slope before the mountains and the hills. There's no need to strain your ears to hear the chirping of the crickets, and the sounds of the wildlife among the foilage. He seems troubled and then looks around and finally upwards and declares his statement of faith among the star-studded night sky.

I'm a romantic at heart and I love the night more than the day. This scene is beautiful because despite all his troubles, the psalmist looks up and realizes that it is nothing compared to the majesty surrounding him. If God can make something beautiful out of the ashes then the problem cannot consume him.

I used to spend time dreaming under the night sky in the UK even though it was cold. I would appreciate the beauty of it, despite the city lights. But during the last few years, the dreams have stopped. The hope has been exhausted. The light gone. But somehow, despite the uncertainty that this path has to offer me, a spark appears inside me, to allow myself to dare and believe that I can start dreaming again.

In transit

Sorry for the lack of posts for the last 2 to 3 days. I've been really busy with sorting out the film school application and it's kind of stressing me out.

I'll get back to the blog once this application has been nailed down and submitted.

Chatting with MSN

Today I held my very first conversation over the internet with dual webcams with my friend Daniel from back home. We go way back, I think about 12 years or so. Man, how time flies. Now he's in Beijing, China (for those who aren't so adept in geography and asking if Singapore a part of China or Vietnam, I'm referring to YOU) and I'm in Germany.

Yes, I know I'm an international suaku (read - it's singlish for country bumpkin) when it comes to technology. But at least I can say I'm learning and trying to catch up. I'm going to be back home in October for a bit so I better learn the lingo up and brush up on what's new. Asia is the hotspot for tech compared to most of Europe since the manufacturers are based in Asia - cheaper prices muhahahaha.

Too bad I didn't manage to get a pic of us having our convo, I guess someone will have to teach me that ^^. But I believe we'll have another convo like that soon. Oh no, I feel I'm getting addicted to this msn chat thing. Uh oh.....

But convo-wise, it was nice to chat to you and catch up on old and new times dude. Give me a time and date over msn or email and we can do it again sometime soon.

Right, it's almost 2 am here. Time to get to bed. I've got a lot of things to do tomorrow at work and I don't want to be blur like sotong (malay for squid) while I'm at it. Don't ask me why they call squid blur as people are still debating the truth of the term but they always called me that in the army, so I guess it was their term of endearment for me.

Ciao for now. ZZZZzzzzzzzz time.

Bullshit vs Dung

I bought this DVD along with the director's cut of Kingdom of Heaven, and after watching it once - if you count forwarding the second half at super speed because of the predictable storyline. A brainless invalid could tell you what would happen even before the actual events in the film occurred - and totally regretted the purchase. Yes, it was discounted to 13 euros from 24 but it's still no excuse. Trash is .... well, for lack of a better word, trash. What do you call cowpat? Bullshit? Dung? Both would fit this movie perfectly and then some.

Don't get me wrong, for all you alien and predator fans out there. The individual series were good. Hell, I grew up watching predator with Arnold in my teen days, and aliens I was kinda forced to because my brother was obsessed with it. Nonetheless they were great flicks as standalones. Put together, it seemed natural that it would and should rock. But the script is so thin, it's laughable. It goes along the line of - humans are curious at energy fluctuation. They explore out of natural greed. They find themselves where they shouldn't really be doing what they shouldn't be doing with all the basic cliches of getting into trouble. To tell the truth, the humans deserved their fate. They had it coming and I couldn't care less, to show the lack of empathy between the audience and the cast.

Too many cooks make a mess out of whatever it is they are beating to death. Same here. Too many minor cast members. No character development other than 2 to 3 lines then WHACK ZAP, death by facehugger, stomach explosion, spear through the groin, electric constricting net, garotte, sliced in 2, blablabla the list goes on. The cast are merely accessories, or to put it simply, Cannon fodder. I felt that whoever was making the film couldn't coordinate where he wanted the main focus to be at. Is it the main characters? No, because they die too damn early and too damn fast to make an impact on the audience. Is it the alien? Hell no, other than some slash here, jump there, hiss here, hop there, it's all standard boring fare. Is it the predator? Nah.... been there done that. And they died too damn fast. So much for being called predators. More like chew-up rubber toys that your puppy plays with.

The list goes on and on and on and on. If you check out the takings at the US box office, it opened at number 1 and then promptly shot out of the list as people realized the hype was just a cover up for a crap fest. No doubt this is an "old movie" having been released 2 odd years ago. I was curious about it but I refused to pay the crazy European cinema prices with popcorn and nachos, etc. or the out of this world DVD prices so I waited until sale time came on older titles. Usually I score good bargains but this time, I got a totally hopeless dud.

I guess they wanted to milk this franchise for all that it was worth before it was worthless, but to go out this way cheapens the rest of the earlier flicks by association. I'm sure with a decent script it could have gone further. On the bright side, the dvd will make a good drink coaster, window decoration, frisbee, etc.

I give this movie an equally crappy 2/10 on the moo meter.... even the cows would agree. It deserves to be left out to pasture. Under a huge pile of dung. Far away from humanity.

Last Dance

If you've heard the track of the same name by Sarah Mclachlan on her "Surfacing" album, it's beautiful. The piano notes fade into the background, almost ethereal as the tune itself. Much like today.

Today was the last dancing lesson for wifey and myself. A little sad, a little melancholic, but still, the most fun I've had in dancing lesson for a while because it was more of me deciding to do it no holds barred - ie. screw the instructions and just have fun. And fun we had. No regrets. Afterwards we had a little chat with the lady who owned the school about why we didn't want to continue there. Nothing bad, just letting her know life goes on and we had to move on along with it. We tried to glide out gracefully and I hope it worked.

It was hard to imagine because I was cracking up everytime we danced the tango. No, let me rephrase that. We were *trying* to dance the tango but it got interrupted all the time because I couldn't stop laughing. Pictures of cheesy films where the lead actor and actresses crossed my mind then and didn't want to escape. I blame them for my bouts of insane laughter. Nonetheless, the best dance was still fooling around with the salsa in tune with Shakira's "Hips don't Lie" - I love that track. Kudos to Sissel for sending it to me via msn. ^^

I've got another film to write up about tomorrow, but that can wait. Right now, all I'm doing is enjoying my little pack of instant noodles - spicy chicken flavour - with crab sticks - albeit made out of fish but flavoured to taste like crab for all those not in the know - and it's good. Feel the burn as the chilli spices go down your throat. Now that's living. And suffering as you cough till your eyes tear up. I don't know why we put up with the chilli high, but I guess it's all part of the trip. Who needs drugs when you got spicy food?

Oh Happy Day!

Oh the joy! Kingdom of Heaven (KoH) - the Director's Cut is finally out in stores! I decided to go grocery shopping with wifey yesterday out of the want and desire to finally do something proper on a saturday and spent most of my time in an electronics shop browsing the DVD section when my eyes caught onto it. I've been waiting for this DVD for such a long time ever since it was announced almost half a year ago, at least.

Normally, I'd use the english version of the DVD version, since I usually buy it from Amazon.co.uk instead of Amazon.de. There's something about dubbed names and dubbed movies that takes away the originality of the movie to me. But after looking at the drab cover that is the UK version of this DVD, I decided to go with the german cover. You can check out the UK cover here. I don't think there was any contest which box I was going to pick to put on the blog.

This DVD adds more footage - 47 mins - that was edited out for fear of the theatrical movie release being too long, which would hurt sales, given that long winded movies. albeit with a shallow plot line, had suffered during that time. For critics of KoH, as I refer to it, the extended version adds more dimension to the existing characters and ties up some loose ends which were questioned in the theatrical release.

What is especially poignant is the interaction between Eva Green (Sibylla) and her young son, who is never seen in the theatres, or between Balian (Orlando Bloom) and the priest who's actually his half-brother, or the scene between Balian and his wife in a flashback scene taken out of the movie. There's more of Edward Norton as the leper king - I swear, his voice sounds so full and hollow it's there but not there - disconnected to the world yet a part of it. It's these little touches that add more life, more significance, more nuance to the film and puts in the justification that this should have been the released version, not the edited 140 version. Oh, I never mentioned this version's length, it's 190 mins. Lord of the Rings long, but the lucious sets and captivating costumes of the thespians make it well worth it.

I'm a middle age buff and anything that's good and has to do with the middle, medieval and renaissance ages, I look forward to seeing. I don't know which einstein marketed this in america as a love story, but obviously he should get his head examined - preferably with an axe meeting his neck. No wonder this movie bombed in america. It's not a love story, per se. Love is a sub plot like the many other threads woven into this fine tapestry of a film.

I know this isn't really a long write up of the DVD, but there's so much added that I can't be bothered to write about all of them. Get the DVD, see the movie, love the atmosphere, and feel for the characters. It's excellent stuff. Ridley Scott did Gladiator, and I liked that movie, but this blows Gladiator out of the water.

My next target : the KoH sound track. Some of the songs are just hauntingly beautiful.

My moo meter would put this at 10/10. If I could go higher, I would. It's that good. ^^

You're Not Alone

I was popping around wikipedia today as I tend to do when I'm bored and I came across this site. Aptly titled Gamer Widow, it's by women and men whose other half have been buried in games for way too long and for way too much for like-minded people. I can't complain, I used to be stuck in games *cough* WoW *cough* for longer than I should have been. I don't think wifey liked it too much, but there was nothing anyone could have done until I realized it myself that I was in too deep and it was time to get out. After some time, there is just no satisfaction in it anymore.

Some descriptions I read reminded me so much of myself. You play the game. Shit happens in real life. You retreat into your shell of games, your paradise where real life does not intrude, where you're the king, where you rule supreme, where there is no real Game Over until the server crashes. Then you're well and truly stumped on what to do because your world has just fallen apart. So you stare at the computer screen and hope beyond hope that those lazy buggers at Blizzard are actually working and not drinking themselves drunk in the server room. But given the propensity of lagging servers and bad customer service, I'd say drunk is a given.

The gaming world, being a microcosm of the real world, is full of the same. People stuck in MMORPGs will find themselves mired in endless grinding (ie. computer game term for WORK except that it's much worse because you have to pay bills and get no money in return unless you own the souls of chinese gold farmers), endless lag, endless politics ( and you thought you wanted to play just for the fun - there's no such thing if you want to enjoy the FULL game), endless people coming up and saying "I want to join your guild, it's so 1337", and endless lag. Oh, and did I mention the lag?

I don't know who this guy is, but his story comes closest to what I experienced myself. Ever since I've stopped, life has taken a whole new turn for me, and to be honest, I don't ever want to go back. Going back is to lead myself back to the dark side. It only leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to smashing your computer into itty bitty pieces, which leads to a bill for a new computer, which leads to interest payments which you can't pay because you lost your job playing your MMORPG, which leads to total meltdown in all aspects of your life. Maybe I'm exagerating a little, maybe not. Who knows? Only you know the truth about yourself.

The bottom line is, I thought games were good. They are if you keep it healthy, but get in too deep and it becomes like a drug addiction as shown here. Congratulations, you don't need your bong and weed anymore because you've got Evercrack, World of Warcrack, etc. Talk about how subtle somethings are. You don't know it until it hits you, and then, it's almost always way too late. Get out while you can. You won't regret it.

All run, it's the DREADED HOBBIT FEET!!!!

NB - I've no idea why I posted this, but what the heck, I should just go with the flow. Unless you see me dancing. Then you should run far far away lest you get hit with the hobbit feet of doom! Muhahahahaha!!!

Complaints served cold

Everything's looking up. Pieces are falling into place in my life, except maybe, in my heart. I think they call it the last minute jitters. Every man or woman goes through this before every major decision. The larger and significant the decision, the harder the process of quelling the butterflies in your stomach. But then again, looking back, I can't complain about my life too much when there are people much worse off than myself like this dancer in this video. The show must go on - it puts a new meaning to the phrase. Maybe pretty girls really do have nothing but ice inside. You decide.



In case complaints are your thing, check out this vid from youtube. Complaints guaranteed! In fact, it's nothing but complaints, still I'm betting you'll like it when it's done. I was in Helsinki a few months back, and I still don't understand a word of Finnish. Good local food though. Even came by a singaporean char kway teow stall in the shopping center - no guesses where I went to for breakfast lunch and dinner then. :D



This song is a masterpiece!

And no flies dead today -------- dammit! >_<

It's 2am and I'm plastered

I just figured that yesterday was Sep 11. A day known for all the wrong reasons, which set me thinking about many aspects of my life. For the last couple of years, fears of many issues have stopped me from moving on to where I should have been. But somehow, I've slowly started facing those fears and beating them down with a defeathered chicken drumstick. It's amazing how scared fears are of drumsticks. Especially raw and bloody ones still connected to the chicken.

Sometimes I'm afraid I won't make it. Sometimes, I'm afraid I'm on the wrong path. Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'm just a statistic, a number in a merciless system. Sometimes, I'm afraid I'll go this one time, at band camp.....

They say pain is bad. They also say pain is good because it means you're still alive. I say pain is best served cold with a hint of lemongrass. That'll be my mantra for today.

Still, there's nothing like getting encouragement from a timeless source when I need it most. Isaiah 43 is a great chapter to my heart to keep on believing for great things to happen to me. Positive reinforcement never hurts. Sometimes in the world, you meet people who hit other people down to make themselves seem larger than they really are. Sometimes, you might live with those people and it's no fun. I figure, after some analysis, that they do what they do because they themselves don't seem so big, and so, use intimidation as a self-defence mechanism to knock the wind out of you before you see the truth.

Order and chaos must coexist because they need and thrive on one another. You cannot find one without a semblence of the other somewhere.

I'm babbling today because it's National Babbling Day, and it's 2am in the morning when I should be in my bed dreaming of my favourite Hainanese Chicken Rice.

NB - Dead fly meter --------> 28
Shoutout to Kai Siang for reminding me. Blur me, forgot about it.

Tango for Two

I've learnt something important today. Never play badminton with a fly. Especially when the fly not only doubles as a shuttlecock. It's not a pretty sight because well, the fly gets splatted into two. So I found the head on the swatter AKA racquet and the body wrigging around somewhere on the floor. I was lucky to find the body since my carpet has a dark blue hue and the lights aren't too good. Oh well, one more fly down for the count.

Monday. Dancing lesson day. It's a good thing there's only going to be one lesson left. Time is coming in so fast, it's crushing the air out of my lungs. If certain things in my life aren't going to come together, I'm going to suffocate out of sheer pressure. Mental stress can kill you so much slower and more painful than rapid depressurization. We learnt more about the tango today, specifically the flip move that many movies shoot their scenes on where the lady has a rose in her mouth and the guy flips her. I never knew it was simple yet so complicated at the same time. I had more fun today after making the decision to just do it and have fun. Screw it if my steps aren't 100% correct. Maybe I'll pick up my dancing course in the future to continue it, but as of right now, it doesn't seem a huge possibility what with all my future plans.

The pastor replied and said that he could arrange something. Now we're crossing our fingers that the church will ok the day as well. Essentially they've agreed on the building, but we need to ensure that the day is free. Planning, planning, I'm sure it'll all be in place. No point worrying about what's not in my hands anymore. I've done my part. Now it's up to the Boss upstairs to do his.

Oh, and I've yet to find a waltz for the first dance of the wedding. So many options to choose from. I think a bagpipe style waltz would rock, since we met in Scotland and all, but some people might go deaf. ^^

One Thousand Marbles

I was reading this post on the internet one day. It struck me as being full of sense. You can find the link here or scroll down for the cut and pasted version. Maybe some of you have read this before, maybe not. Nonetheless, I believe it bears some reading again. There's nothing like positive repetition to reinforce certain key points in life.

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the study with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning, turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it. I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net.

Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whomever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles." I was intrigued and stopped to listen.

"Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. Too bad you missed your daughter's dance recital." He continued, "Let me tell you something Tom, something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities." And that's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles."

"You see, I sat down one day and did a little math. The average person lives about 75 years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about 75 years. Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime." "Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part." "It took me until I was 55 years old to think about all this in any detail"; he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over 2800 Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be 75, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy."

"So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic container. Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out." "I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focus more on the important things in life." There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight."

"Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time." "It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. 75 year Old Man, this is K9NZQ, clear and going, good morning!"

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. "C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast." "What brought this on?" she asked with a smile. "Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent Saturday together with the kids. Hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out?

This is me again - It knocked some sense into me about the limited time we all have. We only value it if it means something to us. If I could get back the last few years and reuse it again, I would but there's nothing that can be done about it right now. It's strange how the older you get, the more significant and valuable time is to you.

Oh, and I also found something interesting out today. If I open my mouth wide enough, I can fit a rich tea chocolate covered biscuit straight in without taking any bites. Of course some chocolate gets stuck on the sides of my mouth but hey, that's an achievment to me. ^^

NB - Written to "Never Grow Old" By Cranberries.

Dead Flies ----> 25

Food Shopping in Köln

Saturday. A nice long sleep into the wee hours of the afternoon. Then to take advantage of the sunny 25 deg celsius weather, wifey and I decided to take a short drive to Köln and do some shopping. It's not often that we go to Köln as we hate driving through the city. I swear, once you get in, it's only chance that allows you back out. The city itself is devoid of any logical plan with roads and signs leading you in wierd curves around the area. For locals this isn't so much a problem as it is for the tourists like yours truly, but sometimes, they admit they're bamboozled as well if you ask them for directions.

Wifey did her shopping for some clothes, and I love dragging her to shops to buy clothes for her since I love shopping as well. But what makes me happier than shopping for clothes, shoes and accessories, etc for wifey is shopping for food. Specifically, food from the english shop. I'm not much of a fan for german food, mainly because a proportion of their diet is centered around cold suppers, and cold foods. The english on the other hand, have the enviable diet of deep fried fish and chips, IRN-BRU for those nasty hangovers, Indian Korma, Oily saussages and fry-ups, over saccharinated chocolate cookies, and tictacs. A very important distinction. So here was my haul for today - and the main reason for going to Köln - from the english shop.

I can't believe these measly items cost 50 Euros altogether. Apparently the pound is still overrated in Europe >_<. I think the shop gets everything by Star Trek "Beam me up Scotty", because the markup is quite significant when you compare it back to UK prices. Still, looking at the picture, I can recommend the ALPEN as great cereal if you can get your hands on it. What's really good also are the Walker's crisps - Gently infused Lime with Thai Spices - excellent stuff. The lime tastes - to pun the word - sublime when you pop it in your mouth and allow your tongue to savour the flavour. Another thing that always fascinates me about Köln is the Dom. The Dom is the cathedral that overlooks the city. It's a marvel not just of human engineering and many hours of slave labour - tell people to spend your whole life working on that so you can get to heaven is akin to enslavement methinks - but of what humans can actually do without technology. These people had nothing but the basic tools and their two hands. After a few missed chops with the axe, maybe just a stump or one hand if they were lucky, but that's another story for another time. Here's a picture of it from Wikipedia if you haven't seen it before.

Cologne Cathedral - It's even prettier at night

My adage for this - cynical as it may be - is that if you've seen one cathedral, you've seen them all. Essentially, they're all the same except for the name. Like the great bard once said, a horse by any other name, is still a horse. If I remember correctly that he was referring to a horse, and not something else.

Nonetheless, while the Dom is a masterpiece of gothic architecture and human spirit, it's also black from all the pollution caused by vehicles, and a major black hole for funds because at any point in time, there's always repair work going on to maintain it. I'm not sure if tax money is used for this, but if it is, I consider it a bad allocation of resources. There're much better things to use tax money for in Germany at this point in time. Now I'm off to enjoy a cup of hot tea with orange flavoured chocolate covered Mcvities biscuits. I'm a sucker for those, since I can never resist them.

Oh yes, dead fly meter -----> 22

Weekend finally!

The weekend is here again. Time to relax, chill, and not worry about the week ahead. I've been digging around on Youtube to find some funny vids to laugh at since laughter is oh so important for happy living. Here are some I found.









I'm still wondering how flies can get into a sealed room. But no worries, they aren't bugging me any longer - pun totally intended.

Dead fly count ------> 19

Don't Worry Be Happy!

It's the weekend again, and I decided to chill out and find some funny clips on Youtube to enjoy. These were my favourites.





And speaking of which, I'm still clueless at how those stupid flies get in despite every window and door being closed. But no matter, they're all dead now. ^^

Dead fly count -----> 19

Wedding Crashers

I just finished watching Wedding Crashers and I have to say it's quite a nice film. Some parts of it were a little incoherent plot wise and maybe there was some mindless plotlines at the end which I didn't catch, but I had to admit I was laughing at some parts of the movie.

What I did realize however, was that at some scenes, I found myself mentally trying to distance away from the film because I was starting to feel attached to the characters. This is usually what happens if there's a little romantic scene or language. I simply don't allow myself to feel what should happen and let it flow. Which is sad, really. Because that's the entire reason of watching a film, whether be it to feel happy, sad, ecstatic, angry, etc. The whole purpose of the film is to move our emotions. If I cannot feel in a film, then it would be hard for me to make a film.

That being said, I found Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn playing their usual normal selves that they play in movies so that's not much of a change. The character I found most fun was the nutcase daughter of the Secretary of the Treasury (who's played by Christopher Walken) played by Isla Fisher. Her antics are stress relieving. Wild, zany, over the top but attention catching. Catch it if you want a good laugh or to destress. It's all good.

Sometimes I wonder why do movies have happy endings. Almost all have a good ending such that it's become almost passe. Maybe it's in each of us to want a happy ending for the character and intrinsically implying us as well in each of our lives. No one wants to deliberately be sad. Excluding drama queens of course.

Now on to another question I found myself pondering about. My flat is closed the entire day when I'm off to work. Yet when I get home, how do I find flies flying around in it? No one's home to open it up for them. I don't think they've hit the technological level of being able to break into my flat ala Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. So the question begs an answer. How????

I'd interrogate them but I prefer giving them lessons in WHOOOOOOOOOOOSH SPLAT!

UP to date DEAD FLY meter - 16 ----> would have been 17 if I was more afraid of messing my flatscreen monitor than actually killing the fly. Nonetheless it dropped into a dark recess behind my cupboard and never showed up again after I hit it in there.

NB - Post typed while listening to Enya's Fairytale. Looping tracks for the win.

Ker Splat!

Finally. The weather has gotten a little warmer these last few days, which means that the flies have been popping out for a spin or two. I went to the Burger King last Monday after dancing lesson and when I was ordering, I counted at least 12 flies flying about. I'm sure there were more around but I didn't really want to find out.

It's amazing how such issues are dealt with in Europe. In Singapore, the BK would have received a health warning at the very least if the health inspectors saw it. But in Germany, it seems normal to just put up with this in the summer. Why better measures are not taken for the sake of better hygiene is beyond me.

Anyhow, this meant that I could get my trusty fly swatter out for some action. Finally, the duck is broken. I've managed to get some flies that tried to get my food. Hopefully they'll learn not to enter my flat again because I'll be happy and willing to swat them. There's nothing more irritating trying to enjoy a meal and at the same time actively waving the flies away. It just degenerates into a race on whether I finish my food first before the fly gets to it, or me getting the fly. And I have to say, the messes those buggers leave behind aren't pretty or easy to clean off.

I was surfing the web the other day, and came across this beauty of a fly killer. A fly gun! Whoever thought of the concept really had the light bulb on upstairs. And they are cheap too, to boot. What's more interesting is the site is quite informative about the hazards flies pose to us.

An excerpt - Flies can lay 200 - 3000 eggs in its life time.

For every fly I off, I've saved myself a lot more trouble later on.

Currently, the fly meter is at 8 ker splats. ^^

I'll keep this continually updated hehehe.

Take My Hand

Last night I was unable to really get to bed and close my eyes. Some thoughts kept popping up around the perimeters of my mind after I had surfed some sites about the film industry. Some were saying of hard it is to enter the industry, some were speaking of the abuse of those who managed to enter it, and some were just plain discouraging. It's not easy to get to sleep when my mind had taken in all those sites and their content, and remain optimistic about my own chances of making it there. Then the fear started to creep into my system and I started to think.

"Will I make it? Is this how it has to be to start from the very bottom again?"

"I've got a family to feed and a responsiblity as a husband to fulfill. Is this the path I'm supposed to walk down?"

Trust me, it's not easy talking the talk when you've committed to yourself, your life and that of your family's when you choose to walk the walk. I might have stood there then listening but not knowing, but now I slowly understood what it meant to walk it. The steps are painful, the fears are all too real. It comes out of the shadows and tries to grasp away any hope still clinging onto the belief of success against all odds.

I feel totally peaceful about the finances part. I really believe with all my heart that it's all sorted for me. It's the final step to put my name on the dotted line and to commit myself to this course for the rest of my life that still tries to poke fear at me. The monetary outlay is not too bad because money can always be earned back. The thought of entering a profession which might have no future, on the other hand, is a heavy burden to bear. I am at an age where I cannot make a mistake.

So, I grabbed my guitar and went to my corner and just spent some time in prayer. It was either that or not sleeping. And you know what, God is good. A verse from my childhood school days popped in my head. At least the beginning did, and I went online to dig out the rest of it. Online bibles are great. I usually use www.biblegateway.com because it allows you to search through different versions of the bible in all languages.

Anyhow, the verse was Proverbs 3:5-6 -

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight

In other words, don't think so much. Don't worry, be happy. Don't think of what might be because the future is still not here. Just take one day at a time focusing on Him. My eyes can't look two places at one time. So it's either God or the problem. Just to trust and not worry. I remember my pastor back home saying when we pray it's no longer our problem but it's God's problem because we've given it to Him. And if we still try to fix it ourselves, God can't do anything because we still want to fix it. We have to let go. I have to let go of my future to get my future. It's strange. It's against all my logic in my head. But it's the only way I've got at this point in time.

A child looks at his father and depends on him for all things because he can do nothing on his own. I need to learn to just be a child again.

Kitchen Misadventures

Today, I decided to cook "Century Egg Porridge" for dinner. It sounded good. It's a dish I love from home, and it's not hard to cook. All one needs are the basic ingredients. Cut ginger, some century eggs - personal preference here, spring onion, fried onion crisps, shredded chicken, cooked rice and the usual conditives.

I figured I still had some century eggs left over from the last time, so there was no need to pop by the Asia Shop on the way back from work. Big mistake on my part because I misunderstood the term century eggs. I thought they would be able to last a long time. But since the last time I ate the dish was like 2 years ago, the eggs had shrivelled up inside and turned into hard lumps of ugly goo. The fact that there's no pic here speaks of my reluctance to even take a pic of it. It's that bad.

So, century egg porridge with no century eggs. It's like taking a beef steak without the beef. And plain porridge didn't seem appetizing to me. Nopes. All that expectation for nothing got me pretty depressed. Wifey was nice enough to want to cook something for me but I thought to try something else. So I improvised and chucked some fishballs - this time without the soup - and prayed for the best. The end result? I'm a very full and contented person. I'd take a pic of the finished product but I was so hungry having not eaten for 9 hours that I decided that food was more important today. ^^

On a side note, never EVER put durians in your fridge. As much as I love to eat the fruit, the smell just overpowered me. I've taken them out a few hours ago but the smell still remains there. Who needs chemical warfare when you got durian? Also, never buy them frozen because after you can't see the condition of the pulp through the packaging and after it defrosts, it's either good or bad. In my case, bad. :(

I'm pretty sure the mace came about when some enterprising weaponsmiths saw the durian. Not much imagination needed there. Those damn fruits can inflict some serious pain. As quoted from Wikipedia "A durian falling on a person's head can cause serious injuries or death because it is heavy and armed with sharp thorns, and may fall from a significant height, so wearing a hardhat is recommended when collecting the fruit."

European tourists visiting Singapore or South East Asia are encouraged to try this fruit out. I guarantee an unforgettable experience.

2 Left feet

We had another dancing lesson today, and I swear for the life of me, why I put up with this pain every week. We switched dance instructors and now the owner of the place is teaching our group. Unfortunately she seems to have delusions about my dancing ability. Read - in short, I suck real bad. Well, I just think that she should just let us dance and be happy, and learn the basic steps plus addendums, and not teach us different styles every 5 minutes.

I preferred the old instructor who taught us step by step. This new one just jumps around like a butterfly. I know I'm scatterbrained sometimes, but she's bad. What's the point of explaining everything only to not use it in the dance? It totally got me confused if nothing else. I'm not paying money for this haphazard teaching. Even if it's by the boss herself.

Granted, it's a dance course and it's supposed to teach me different dances. But there's no way I'm going to learn new things in just 5 minutes especially since my feet don't want to agree with the music (Wifey calls them "Hobbit feet" but that's another story).

I know I'm not a great dancer but I realized why I dislike ballroom dancing so much. It's because you're expected to get every step right. If either you or your partner screws up, the dance becomes a mess for both of you real quick. Then there are the complicated figures to add onto the pain. I still prefer the ceilidh - scottish dancing - because it's all about having fun. Who cares if you mess up, it's all for the fun of it. And somewhere along the way in the lesson, I've lost the fun factor.

A little more thinking later, along with the addition of my fine friend here who helped me forget the pain. Yummy isn't he? My stomach didn't disagree. Whopper texas style always hits the spot. ^^

Whopper : Save me!!! Save me from my horrible *CHOMP CHOMP* ARGHHHHH
Whopper : Death....

I would have taken a better pic, but he's in my belly now so you've got to make do with what you've got here. Anyhow, I realize that I enjoy dancing when there's a good track on rather than just any track with just beats. I want to dance to have fun and not to complete a complicated technical maneuver. Granted, some people like complicated stuff, but that just isn't me. Not for dancing, at least.

Oh, and for the record, the fly meter is still stuck at zero. >_<
However, the spider meter has climbed to 3. No one touches my whopper and lives. Absolutely no one. It's *my* whopper. :D

Post done listening Elgar's Pomp and Circumstance and the cantonese version of YMCA! Yes there *is* such a track and it's funny whether you understand cantonese or not.

Leap of Faith

Sitting down here with my ever faithful cup noodles in hand, I just thought about something. Life is a matter of choices. Whether I choose to stay where I am or choose to move on, I'm still making a choice. Making a non-commital choice is still a choice nonetheless. Which suddenly explains to me why I've been going around in circles the last 5 or so years. I had no idea that living in apathy was probably the worst choice of all.

Of course I could say the situation sucked, or it was a bad time for a graduate. But truth to say, I never really knew what I wanted. And worst of all, I didn't know how to find it in a land where I was a foreigner, did not know the language, and did not know the culture. I only knew that it was impractical to stay back home in asia when I still had some wanderlust in me, and that me and wifey would be financially insecure without any jobs. Here at least she had a job already. I always maintained that the best successes come after the hardest struggles - sometimes against the situation, sometimes against my own self.

I am my very own worst enemy. I see myself in the mirror and I go, why did I do *that* again? But I guess many of you have that feeling too. They say God takes you to the mountaintop to show you the promise, then puts you back in the valley so you develop yourself to fulfill the plan He has for you. All I know is that the word "circular" comes to mind. Now I realize how the children of Israel felt walking around in the desert.

They walked because of unbelief because they refused to believe that God was willing to give them their promised land. They refused to believe that they could just go up and take it. Faith moves God. Faith pleases God. Faith opens the doors for us. I'm faced with 2 roads to walk. 2 paths to travel. The safe path, or the unknown path into the darkness. But the safe path is dead to my spirit. It doesn't excite me. I understand we're all built differently, but this is me. Safe is not good in some situations. It's up to each of us to recognize our own situation.

So I pick the path where darkness is at the end because I don't know where or what I'll do. And I slowly begin to understand that unless I trust Him, I'm not going to get through this in one piece. Maybe this is what's meant by the valley of death in Psalms 23. You walk with total uncertainty. Yet it says that He is with us every step of the way. And the end of the Psalm ends well with a promise - "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."

The irony is that to walk in supposed death leads to life, and that the road that leads to safety leads to death on the inside. Maybe that's how God works. I really don't know too much about it. I'm still learning slowly myself.

I remember Jacob was touched by God on the hip so he could no walk straight and had to use a crutch. This is symbolic of man needing to depend on God. Sometimes, I need to use that crutch a little more than I'm currently doing right now. It's amazing how everything is coming together for us now that we've finally decided to stop being apathetic and do something about it.

Whenever I'm worried or afraid like a child, this Psalm would always encourage me and let me know that there is a way out, that there will be an end to the valley and I'll come back out onto the mountain.


PS - blur me, the Pastor answered my email but I didn't check it before Sunday. Now we'll meet up with him this Sunday and hopefully, everything will work out good.

Schlemmerfilet or was it Backfishfilet? It's all fish to me.

This weekend has been pretty eventful at least, compared to my other weekends. I actually got some things done off my list which is pretty good comparatively.

First off, there was the weekend fair round the corner so I took some pics to commemmorate the first time that I've actually gone to one of these things. Last few times, I was took stuck in WoW. On hindsight, that was pretty bad, because I've been missing out on the nice fish filet in a bread dish. The fish was great. So great that I had to go again today to get a second portion before they closed up for the next year. I'm a huge fish fan and being in a country that just can't cook fish properly in their restaurants, I have to take the chance when I see it.

Here are a few pics of the fair and of course, my fish. I can't leave out the food. It's the most important part of fairs. Other people might go for the flea markets, the little quaint shops, but me, I just go for where it counts. ^^

Check the huge porpoise out!

For all you Spongebob Squarepants fans out there. I *still* don't see how a sponge can be cute though....

Finally, the key event of the fair! Properly fried fish! Mmmmmmmm :D

From the picture above, I think wifey had a pretty good time as well.

Secondly, I managed to finish up Lord of the Rings - The Third Age. Yes, I know it's been out for like 2 to 3 years already, but for that I've got to blame my Xbox. My previous Xbox crashed on me when I was like 80% through the game so I had to get a new Xbox and redo the game from scratch. When I tried to get through Microsoft Tech Support on the internet it was USELESS. The email did not work, there was a delayed reply, no working links. In short, total bullshit from the people at Microsoft. If there is an alternative system - and no, I refuse to go to Linux - I'll probably gladly hop onto it just to take my dig at Microsoft. Here's a pic I got of the final boss, the "Eye of Sauron".



It's not a bad game, but some parts were downright irritating, like the level ups. Otherwise, you get to use some of the characters in the movie. My personal favourite is using Aragorn when he's got his "Call of the Dead" spell to call the army of the dead to fight for him. Totally ebil. However, when compared to the Final Fantasy Genre of games, this one still has lots to do especially in terms of character development. Most of the time, the characters are very one dimensional, and there are a few plot lines that are not fully answered by the development team. Probably because they had to rush it for a deadline and could not complete everything in time. Deadlines and inept management - the 2 biggest reasons why many potentially promising games turn out totally sucky when released.

On the wedding front, we booked the hotel today and it's starting to look good. Now to just grab the pastor and we're pretty much set. Only snag is the pastor. There's an church homepage, there's an email address. But somehow there's no one able to answer any emails. Sigh, back to the old telephone.

Coalescence

Slowly, every disparate part of life is coming together. Almost like a sweet mildew potpourri of loose ends ending into one fragrant scent.

We checked out the restaurant for the wedding and we liked it. There's enough seating, a choice of buffet or served dishes, a place for dancing, and it's part of a hotel so guests can even stay there. That's good to know. They were nice enough to pass us the prices so we could estimate the costs. But what was the best was that they had planned the place for a wedding already as there was going to be one that very night. We didn't expect it, but it was a very welcome surprise as this meant that we would see first hand the preparations done. Everyone needs that little bit of extra grace.

And something equally significant for me, after 8 long years I've finally completed Baldur's Gate 2 - Throne of Bhaal . I've always wanted to finish it, but never did. In retrospect, there are so many things I've started that I've always wanted to finish, but kept jumping off into other projects that I've forgotten about the half-completed ones. Yes, this is me. Totally scatterbrained at times. But I've decided to sit down and finish them one by one, so hopefully by the time Film School starts next year in January I've got them all done and out of the way. But back to SoA/ToB, it's a very good game. Maybe the graphics are a little dated, but the gameplay much more than makes up for that. Too bad that Black Isle was shut down. They are great at RPGs.

I've also finally cooked something for dinner after a long time. Usually it's wifey who does it at the moment. Not that asian cooking is hard. It's dead easy. Chop things up. Boil water. Throw chopped things in boiled water and let it simmer. And Voila! You get something like my fishball soup here. (Yes, fishes *have* balls, otherwise how would I get those round things there? - Go ask the fishes if you don't believe me) It's good for 2 whole days' worth of food.

Fish ball soup! AKA Yuyuan Tang

I'm off soon to check out the local fair they set up around the corner. Hopefully I'll get some nice pics.

Success or Failure?

So it's September now. Time flies. Last time this year, I was sorting out my wedding back home in Asia. Now I'm sorting out my European wedding. Time flies. To repeat myself. Of course, it's all relative dependent on our activities and ages.

We got the church sorted today. They were nice, allowing us to use it for free as long as we cleaned it up, which was good. Tomorrow we'll check out the restaurant, since I was a little lazy and tired yesterday. But I really don't have anything against this one we'll be going to because we've been there before for meals and we liked the place and more importantly, the food. If a restaurant serves bad food, you might as well not go there. Nopes, food is the important factor first and foremost.

I spent today pretty well, considering that most of my work was done quickly. Checked up some sites on self discovery, and work-related sites. Apparently when we were growing up, no one thought of job counselling for us then, or job charts that fitted most into our interests and passion. No, we were brought up to think in a one dimensional scope. We were brought up believing that in order to succeed, one had to have a safe life, with a safe job. Get a steady paycheck, even if the job is not something you love. It's better than chasing your dreams and living from job to job not knowing where your income will come from, they reason. Therefore, be an engineer, doctor, businessman. You'll have a good life, relatively. You might not love your working life, but you won't be hungry.

This is how asian society is like back home. The pressure is high for to succeed. If you don't, you'll be branded a failure forever. Relatives talk behind your back, they shun you. In front of your face, they'll smile and act polite, but behind, it's better not knowing what they're saying. Ignorance is bliss. And to make it worse, this process starts when you're a child. You're immediately compared to your classmates, to your friends who come by your home to visit, to play. You're born into a competition you don't really want to be in. Childhood is to enjoy, for a child to develop, to learn about himself. It's a continual learning process. If you deny a child his basic right, then you deny the child himself. Parents are there to guide, to discipline, and not to make the child feel unloved for not making the "expected" standard. I came from this world, and I don't want to go back to it. If I have kids, I don't want them to face that world. It's a fallacy in itself. So what if you're the top student and won lots of awards but has a shitty life? In the end it's all empty and meaningless. But by the time you figure it out, it might be too late already.

It's amazing how hypocritical we are in this world. We lift the successes onto pedestals, we ignore and belittle the failures. I still choose to believe for every person who's had a success, he's had to have a few failures along the way. It's the man who perseveres till the end that crosses the finish line, not the one who starts well but stops halfway. Determination to set my eyes to get to the goal of my dreams.

For every failure and mistake, I must take away some knowledge, some understanding of why it didn't work. Then I'll improve. If we all were only having successes then either we're all really lucky or we're perfect people. But since no one is perfect, sooner or later we're bound to fail. Like a line in Miami Vice that was said, "You can't outrun gravity, sooner or later it catches up to you" - at least that's how it sounded like. ^^ Constructive failure is the road to eventual success. So if I fail, but learn something important from it, I'm still better off than someone who was scared to fail and learnt nothing.

That's the problem I believe my home is having. We're so indoctrinated to be a success immediately that we're paralyzed when we have to act for fear of making a mistake. Without any guidelines, we're lost. Creative freedom is great only if you know what you want to do. If you have never taken a step out in your life, then it's only a chain holding you back. Once you're branded a failure, you're out of the loop. No one wants to hang around a failure because it associates you with a loser. In this world, we're taught to only love winners, not losers. And that in itself, is a tragedy.